How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

Enjoy who they are! We are all different.
Contentment is a lovely thing.

My 8 yo son sounds like yours
He’s lovely and intelligent and polite but really isn’t interested in anything which doesn’t involve a screen and computer games are all he wants to talk about

My friend is convinced that private school was the making of her now 16 yo extremely polite and sociable young lad. Though also admits that given how much she shelled out for it she’d probably convince herself that it was the private school that did it even if it were not true

@TheWholeJingbang.

Don't be upset. He's only 11. He has friends who he's happy spending time with. It might not be what you would choose for him, but I guess in future there'll be quite a lot of choices he'll make that you'd rather he hadn't.
Behavioural issues are different, of course. But as long as he's not en route to Borstal(!), he's got time to grow up and change.

Still waiting for my 16 year old ds to be like this 🤣 Lazy, unmotivated, ungrateful, borderline rude..I could go on! He passed his GCSE’s without really engaging at all and is off to do a levels in September but I doubt he’ll pass those without a huge change in attitude! I found him a part time job and he does that now.. very unwilling but he is slowly enjoying it more. He has an incredibly dry sense of humour and very funny without trying though! His younger sister is an delight, helpful, happy, confident, polite, loving, a talented dancer and dedicated to everything! They have been raised the exact same, it’s just different personalities x

Hate to be sexist but wonder if it takes some lads abit longer to “warm up” to social skills?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Ask parents of now adult children and most will reflect that kids are just what they were born like and just like their parents/grandparents.

'parenting' doesn't have as much impact on how they turn out as you think at the time.

If you are a joiner-iner they are likely to be to. If you are a homebody they will likely be too.

Ime of both private and state schools is that for teens their peers have a huge influence. They don't need private school for that but I'd worry if their pals at state were the ones with parents with lots of social problems.

Having motivated friends will motivate them.

As for extra curricular, this is the screen generation. It's how they socialise. Organise with their friend's parent to do a joint class/group then they are much more likely to stick at it. Also it may take several tries to get the right activity for them. Eg team/individual sport; outdoor/indoor; competitive/ non-competitive; creative etc.

If you took away the screens (we are a low screen family) what would happen? I am with those where the pandemic and two working parents has meant that there has been a little more screen time than I would like. But pulling back on it and letting them get bored as been hugely instructive. After mooching around for a bit (and nothing wrong with that), they have been reading, biking, swimming, doing Lego, and generally playing quite imaginatively (9 and 4). DS1 has been building elaborate marble runs and DS2 has been obsessing Lego. Neither is very artistic but again with no screens as an option both have doodled a bit.
I can’t change their personality and neither can you. I have one shy introvert and a loud extrovert but I can ensure they have access to things that might interest them (where we live museums, concerts etc are back on), lots of outdoor time, and books and games (not on a screen) to keep them occupied.

Who cares as long as they're happy and healthy? Each to their own.

Also how they are as kids doesn’t always translate - we had a family member who was painfully shy to the extent parents were worried when she was 8 now is extremely successful dealing professionally with politicians royalty and the super rich which would make most of us quake!

My two kids are quirky introverts, highly sensitive, but with a high degree of confidence and sense of self. Teachers love them. Their aunties want to exchange them for their own, lol.

I've set out to give them that boredom time and have never insisted on extra-curricular. They are experts at entertaining themselves, always some project or other on the go.

Here's how I think my influence has come to bear:

• no mobile or tablet devices, limit to videos about an hour a day
• always abundant access to books (almost all second hand or bundle offers). One was not so keen so I offered and offered until she found a series she loves now she's a book addict too
• spend time with them doing their thing i.e. I don't play phone/video games, I'm rarely on the mobile myself, we sit sometimes and read for an hour on the sofa,
• spend regular time breaking down feelings, processing school day, naming emotions etc. I had terrible EQ so I've set about giving that to my kids. It's paid off, my girl is highly empathetic.

My DS was like yours at that age. At secondary school we've been lucky that he's made a great group of friends and they have all encouraged each other. We are in Germany and someone mentioned private schooling is rare in Germany. That's probably because the grammar school system is still being used here, so he goes to the local equivalent of a grammar school and I think it makes a huge difference.

He's not quite as you describe in your OP but he's gone through various hobbies in the past few years - parkour, skateboarding, mountain biking, card tricks, manga, cartoon drawing, cat's cradle, fischertechnik, coding, online gaming. The only one of those he did at primary was online gaming and coding.

We also hugely cut screen access down although had to raise it again during the pandemic.

@MsTSwift we had a family member that was very shy, wouldn’t go to the nearby shop alone until she was 16. Now is high up in her company, flying around the world ( pre Covid) meeting buyers etc. We were all so surprised. Late bloomer that’s all.

This is such a sad thread.

So many parents not valuing their children for what they are and wanting to change them.

So much judgement. So much value put on a certain set of behaviours.

Not at all. My children have always been on the shy side and all I expected was that they would be polite and greet and thank people. Can’t abide rudeness, shyness is not an excuse for that once they get past 3.

Self motivation I think is more innate. But self confidence, private school style, I think is a lot to do with positive adult (non-parent) interaction.

I see this with a friend’s children - now fantastic late teens. They’ve always had a lot of adults in their lives who talk to them and engage with them - godparents, parents friends, aunts. They aren’t sent off to play in the pub garden while the adults have a drink (we’ll probably were, but the adults would have had a chat with them as valued people in their own right beforehand).

Their parents both went to private schools, and I think this is a proper middle class thing. I’ve not achieved this with my children! I see friends without children separately, or my old baby friends we chat while the children play.

Also that’s why sport is so useful. Not your hour long swimming once a week, but more serious sport where an adult coaches and encourages the child, and sees them as a person in their own right - with constructive criticism when needed. But a team coach telling a child they’ve made great progress is far more powerful than the parent saying it. Although you also need the parents saying it too as a starting point.

@ArabellaPilkington

This is such a sad thread.

So many parents not valuing their children for what they are and wanting to change them.

So much judgement. So much value put on a certain set of behaviours.

Yes to this.

It's quite a startling reflection of what's valued in children/young people.

Just summarising: confident, 'sparky', 'go-getting', outgoing, high-achieving - the term 'excelling' seems to crop up a lot - , 'successful', which tends to mean destined for high-earning or high-profile careers (ideally both).

Whose children are going to be the quiet, unspectacular ones living unremarkable lives doing unglamorous but necessary work (of all kinds) and doing incremental heaps of good in tiny, almost invisible ways? The ones, in other words, who carry society as we know it?

My ds is like this to other family members and grown-ups. Confident, loves to have a conversation, bright, polite etc.. A real charmer. Eryone who's ever babysat said dc has commented on what a delightful child they are!
At home it's another story though.. he's moody, doesn't want to do anything, tantrums about homework, chores etc.. I think he thrives on social interaction and loves an audience 😁

On the other hand my younger dc.. Very quiet and shy and appears moody, but is super independent and witty.
Potty trained himself aged 2, lays out clothes before school without being asked to or taught how, taught himself how to read at the age of 4 etc..

So, I think you're only seeing half the reality tbh. We're all slightly different when at home with our own family.

@AlexaShutUp

I don't think it's necessarily the school or the parenting tbh. Certainly not in isolation.

My dd is one of those kids... seems to have it all. I genuinely think it's just a large dollop of luck. Good parenting and decent schools (state or private) probably help, but so much is down to a child's own innate temperament and personality. I don't think I realised this as much before, but I'm convinced of it now.

this is one of the nicest posts I've read. Honest, no boasting, thoughtful.

@WeDidntMeanToGoToSea

IME it's the parents who are either vicariously living their own lives (or missed opportunities) through their children or are horrifically competitive with other parents and using their child's "achievements" as boasting fodder.

Pretty sad.

I would say it's mostly nature rather than nurture. I definitely don't think you can blame/put it down to the school though. Some kids are naturally confident, gregarious, out going, sporty and know what they want to be from a young age. Others aren't and don't. My dc with asd and dyspraxia is never going to be any of those things, but that's ok because what's important is that he is happy. Just let them be who are they are, encourage them to try new things and limit screen time to between certain hours. If it is computers he is into then encourage him into programming - Scratch is brilliant around this age.

@Prettybubblesintheair

By letting them do the things that they excel at and enjoy. One of my ds’s is incredibly sporty and very very good at most sports, he’s happiest playing football. My other ds is very good at gaming, he’s excellent at coding and really enjoys anything techy. I let them both do what the enjoy, I don’t praise one over the other they both have equally valuable skills. I know lots of people would lean towards praising the sporty outdoorsy one more because it’s seen as being out there enjoying life (these people are generally in the same camp as those who believe every one should get up at 6am to make the most of the day and anyone who enjoys a good lie in is lacking in moral fibre) but actually just because the other one prefers being indoors coding or designing of gaming doesn’t mean his skills aren’t as valuable. I think the confidence comes from being praised and encouraged to enjoy what they’re good at.

I think you have it spot on. It's really hard as a parent to let kids choose what THEY like rather than what we think they should like. Praise and encouragement and engaging in conversation, reading, learning about the world and going to places are all really important.

Anyone else reminded of the bit where Adrian Mole, feeling hurt, asks his parents what their ideal son would be like? Their answers take them all the way round Sainsburys, through the checkout and back through the carpark, as each parent outlines a completely incompatible version of the ideal son.

You want your child to be the person they're meant to be. I agree that this can take some trial and error and exposure to different options, and it's great to do that for your child, but trying to put square pegs into round holes doesn't help anyone.

I also speak as a once-sparky child who hasn't quite fulfilled their potential (yet! I may be nearly 50 but might still have a late blossoming). Life isn't about guarantees of success, it's more about the old-fashioned value of being able to "meet with Triumph and Disaster/ And treat those two impostors just the same".

I’ve got 2 girls and they’re one of each type 😂. No idea why - it’s just who they are, I guess.

I would suggest actually liking your child ?

Quite shocked that others are actually agreeing with the OP. Who, incidentally hasn't returned ........