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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
Boopeedoop · 28/08/2021 00:42

Friend, "Alyssa has said she had a brilliant time, she said she wants to do this again".

Your reply "she's either on glue or a totally different holiday to me".

Debetswell · 28/08/2021 00:42

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

Oi, *@Daisy1245*.

You're a twit.

Ha ha. You took the words right out of my mouth.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/08/2021 00:55

You said yourself your friend doesn't know about Mumsnet. So how can she post for advice

I didn't say she should Confused there are places other than MN to get parenting advice BTW

Just picture it from her point of view too is all I was trying to convey. You are her friend. She thinks you are having a lovely time on holiday with her. What you slag her of on Mumsnet. How hurt would she be if she knew that and had no idea that's how you felt.

Maybe a bit of self reflection would be helpful for her, if she didn't impose her child on my holiday I'd have nothing to complain about

That's all I found sad the judgement from you constantly in every post.

So what, everyone judges and yes I will judge a parent who does this to heir child and friends.

I hate this whole "don't judge" in the same way I hate "be kind" as it's just another way of saying "Women - STFU"

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/08/2021 00:59

@1AngelicFruitCake

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh You’re back! 😄
OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/08/2021 01:02

@Daisy1245

I don't need to give examples of how I have helped my friends for the poster that has requested that. I don't disclose my friends personal issues on an online forum. If the op can't raise an issue with her friend I think the child going to bed on-time is the least of the problems in their friendship. Anyway nothing to be gained from posting further everyone can enjoy having their snidey remarks about a woman and a child they have never met. Like I said in my first post I'm just glad I have true friends. In turn being a true friend. This sounds much more like the dynamic of an acquaintance.
Why are you even on MN if you are so abhorred at people posting about issues with other people? It makes up a out 90% of threads Confused
OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/08/2021 03:09

Oh god, another smuggety bleeding heart has turned up.

Women are ALLOWED to be aggrieved that their holiday has been upset by the inability of some other woman to adequately parent their "golden angel child Hmm"

NO ONE in their right minds thinks giving mums a "mini pampering" is the solution to an upset tummy. That's pandering. Pandering is inadequate parenting.

But yeah - try telling that to a parent of a golden angel child - quickest way to completely sour the atmosphere and ruin the friendship completely!

The OP, funnily enough, has done her best to deal diplomatically with the situation while using MN to vent about it. Far better than going in and playing smug "well so and so found THIS works with their PITA won't go to bed child...."

Sadiecow · 28/08/2021 04:15

@Daisy1245

You said yourself your friend doesn't know about Mumsnet. So how can she post for advice. Just picture it from her point of view too is all I was trying to convey. You are her friend. She thinks you are having a lovely time on holiday with her. What you slag her of on Mumsnet. How hurt would she be if she knew that and had no idea that's how you felt. You don't need to criticize anything to help. "Oh some children are a nightmare at bedtime do you know what worked for a colleague of mine" that is how a friend helps. I do completely see your side of a single parents holiday and I'm sure as a teacher you work very hard. But you could of gone to your room and enjoyed your wine in peace without all the judgement if you were a good friend. That's all I found sad the judgement from you constantly in every post.
Sone children are a nightmare at bedtime...this is how a colleague dealt with it.

She's 8 years old, not 8 months!

If she hasn't sorted it yet, she's unlikely to tackle it now.

AngelPrint · 28/08/2021 06:18

@1AngelicFruitCake

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh You’re back! 😄
Was just thinking same thing Grin here we go again!
AngelPrint · 28/08/2021 06:22

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop I hate this whole "don't judge" in the same way I hate "be kind" as it's just another way of saying "Women - STFU"

Omg yes this!!!! Just another way of telling us we should meekly accept bad behaviour or treatment.

SpeakingFranglais · 28/08/2021 06:23

@Daisy1245

I don't need to give examples of how I have helped my friends for the poster that has requested that. I don't disclose my friends personal issues on an online forum. If the op can't raise an issue with her friend I think the child going to bed on-time is the least of the problems in their friendship. Anyway nothing to be gained from posting further everyone can enjoy having their snidey remarks about a woman and a child they have never met. Like I said in my first post I'm just glad I have true friends. In turn being a true friend. This sounds much more like the dynamic of an acquaintance.
I wish I could be this perfect.

Meanwhile in the real world…..

Sadiecow · 28/08/2021 07:58

@Daisy1245

I don't need to give examples of how I have helped my friends for the poster that has requested that. I don't disclose my friends personal issues on an online forum. If the op can't raise an issue with her friend I think the child going to bed on-time is the least of the problems in their friendship. Anyway nothing to be gained from posting further everyone can enjoy having their snidey remarks about a woman and a child they have never met. Like I said in my first post I'm just glad I have true friends. In turn being a true friend. This sounds much more like the dynamic of an acquaintance.
But how do you know they're not commenting about your parenting on MN or other forum? Do you read every Internet forum to check?

🤔

Plumtree391 · 28/08/2021 08:25

Is it over now and you're home, or home today? Would you believe I woke this morning dreaming of Alyssa and your friend having her feet painted,

I'm sure it wasn't all bad, no doubt you had some good times and if Alyssa had had it explained to her that parents like to chill and chat in the evening with a glass of wine while kids amuse themselves, she would have probably obliged, Maybe your friend liked having her around, who knows? Nobody has died, just don't do it again.

I had a couple of holidays with friends when mine (1) was young and they stayed up playing, they had fun and it didn't bother us but it obviously does bother others, We all went to a restaurant in the evening together which they enjoyed, It was their holiday too,

I would not have liked being up early on holiday. 9am is quite early enough.

Invite your friend around, alone, for a catch up later on.

Holiday with your children alone in the future, it's easiest.

happinessischocolate · 28/08/2021 08:35

@Daisy1245

I think you're very delusional if you believe that just saying to another parent "this is how my colleague dealt with their child" will then make the other parent implement your wonderful wonderful advice and not take offence to your suggestion that their child and their parenting skills are less than perfect.

Also making a suggestion to the other parent proves that you have been judging their child and their parenting skills and you have decided that you could do it better.

I don't know how old your children are or your friends children but as the parent of 2 kids who have now left school trust me other parents don't want your parenting suggestions 😁

decoratedstandardlamp · 28/08/2021 08:38

@Daisy1245

You said yourself your friend doesn't know about Mumsnet. So how can she post for advice. Just picture it from her point of view too is all I was trying to convey. You are her friend. She thinks you are having a lovely time on holiday with her. What you slag her of on Mumsnet. How hurt would she be if she knew that and had no idea that's how you felt. You don't need to criticize anything to help. "Oh some children are a nightmare at bedtime do you know what worked for a colleague of mine" that is how a friend helps. I do completely see your side of a single parents holiday and I'm sure as a teacher you work very hard. But you could of gone to your room and enjoyed your wine in peace without all the judgement if you were a good friend. That's all I found sad the judgement from you constantly in every post.
But where would all our enjoyment come from if op hadn't made us all laugh with the updates.

@Daisy1245 you sound a kind sensitive person but lacking in a sense of humour tbh.

Shallwegoforawalk · 28/08/2021 09:48

@Daisy1245

You know this is .... Mumsnet right? The Den of Vipers? The bear pit of AIBU? The place where we say cunt and fuck and leave the bastard?

If you want fake shallow and nicey nicey, try Netmums. We are ALL about the judgey threads here.

By the way, I bet some of your real friends have totally bitched about how wet you are Grin

GrandmaSteglitszch · 28/08/2021 09:48

@Daisy1245

I'm sorry op but it seems you have really judged your friend I'm glad I have true friends. When I see things my friends could change I help. I don't judge. Now I'll probably get flamed but I find this thread a sad read. Your friend has asked to do it again as she likes you and you haven't been open you aren't enjoying it. Just shows how life is a perception I guess.
OP is relaxing in the evenings on her holiday. That doesn't include parenting someone else's child.
GrandmaSteglitszch · 28/08/2021 09:57

I hate this whole "don't judge" in the same way I hate "be kind" as it's just another way of saying "Women - STFU"

Excellent point, Frangipani!

Tistheseason17 · 28/08/2021 10:12

No matter how lovely my friends are the best support I can offer for their different parenting style is to say nothing. (exc obuse obvs)

I went on holiday once with several friends and never again. I did not say anything, but now I enjoy holidays without them and still have friends - as I said nothing like OP.

It's okay to judge. I judged every day on our supposedly relaxing "let's share a villa" holiday as we were left with the washing up, cleaning, food was hoovered by children instead of controlled so everyone got to eat and children at main table (finished eating) forcing us to eat elsewhere as well as the being there late every evening. Let alone being advised there was a babysitting arrangement (we had not discussed). Thankfully, I am used to people like this so I did not comment but simply went out when they thought we were babysitting.

Judge away, OP in your head... and on MN! Grin

Foxmylife · 28/08/2021 10:29

@GrandmaSteglitszch

I hate this whole "don't judge" in the same way I hate "be kind" as it's just another way of saying "Women - STFU"

Excellent point, Frangipani!

Everyone judges
Lightisnotwhite · 28/08/2021 10:50

[quote Shallwegoforawalk]@Daisy1245

You know this is .... Mumsnet right? The Den of Vipers? The bear pit of AIBU? The place where we say cunt and fuck and leave the bastard?

If you want fake shallow and nicey nicey, try Netmums. We are ALL about the judgey threads here.

By the way, I bet some of your real friends have totally bitched about how wet you are Grin[/quote]
Ha! Very true.

JudgeJ · 28/08/2021 12:00

I wish I could be this perfect

When I read threads like this, all I can hear in my head is an old song

'Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way'

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/08/2021 12:15

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

You do need to get to know students on an emotional level.

Are you a teacher @Greenmarmalade ??
I have 9 periods a day, 35 minutes long and usually 25-30 pupils. I have a subject to teach. Care to tell me how I am supposed to get to know all the pupils 'an emotional level'. 🤣🤣

Ex-secondary teacher here. QUITE!
Skybubble · 28/08/2021 17:06

Where is everyone? This thread has gone very quiet?

Reiningitin · 28/08/2021 17:10

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday PART DEUX @Skybubble www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4334301-to-not-want-an-awake-child-around-at-11pm-when-i-m-on-holiday-part-deux

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