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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
LargeInCharge · 26/08/2021 06:40

Take your kids out early while she’s having a lie in and have loads of fun so she realises by staying up late (and sleeping in) she’s missing out.

I wouldn’t holiday with your friend again it sounds exhausting.

MiddleParking · 26/08/2021 06:43

Also, the saying everyone should be quiet the next day for an 8 year old’s lie in is quite astonishing. No wonder the kid is obnoxious.

Heruka · 26/08/2021 06:46

Oooft. Well I’m assuming you won’t be going on holiday with this friend again, EVER!

SquirryTheSquirrel · 26/08/2021 06:52

Can you not talk to your friend, rather than all this PA stuff that's been suggested about going out onto the balcony when the child comes downstairs?

Say something like 'I was looking forward to catching up with you properly in the evenings, and I'm disappointed we haven't been able to do that because Aylssa's always around until 11'

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/08/2021 06:54

Pick up the wine and sit on the balcony by yourself. Maybe hide the TV remote first.

Debetswell · 26/08/2021 06:55

If that was me I would leave mother and dd to their game and ring another friend for a catch up.

IHateCoronavirus · 26/08/2021 06:55

Wake up op! Bang those pans! Wink

Bonnieonthelam · 26/08/2021 07:02

@SeoultoSeoul

I think I'd disappear to my bedroom with the whole bottle of wine and my phone. Anything to avoid playing Dobble with a split 8 year old. They say you dont know people until you have holidayed with them
I agree I normally do this when I have unwanted guests joining my downtime. Retire to bed with my iPad and a Haagen Dazs 😂
Passthecake30 · 26/08/2021 07:02

I think I’d push the older kids bedtimes slightly later (9pm) with the proviso that they can’t get out of bed. Means you lose an hour but hopefully gain the rest of the night.

CurryLover55 · 26/08/2021 07:03

I agree with SquirrytheSquirrel

Cuddlyrottweiler · 26/08/2021 07:03

I do think you should say something to her this afternoon before it's time to put the kids to bed.
If she spends every evening with her kids then she probably isn't actually noticing as she's also getting some adult company. Whereas if you spend your evenings without your kids, you now have that taken away. She's gained an adult, you've gained a child.
So I'd ask her if we could really try to get the kids to stay in bed tonight so you can have some adult time as you're not used to spending your evenings with kids and you really need to wind down in the evening.

If she brings her daughter back down again then say "OK I'll leave you two to it tonight, just need a bit of chill time, if Alyssa does go to bed then it'd be nice to chat or you guys can play games and I'm just gonna sit and watch a show with a glass of wine. Enjoy your night" smile and go and leave them to it. Yes she will probably be a bit down about it but you told her what you wanted and she knowingly chose to go against that so she can't really blame you.

SpurOfMoment · 26/08/2021 07:05

Could you tell her you’re going hone if it doesn’t stop?

MissMarpleTheMurderer · 26/08/2021 07:05

@IHateCoronavirus

Wake up op! Bang those pans! Wink
Grin

Do wonder if op is going to request a deletion, as I cam imagine it will be tense if Alyssa's mum reads this...

Although if she does I'm in agreement with op.

Beautiful3 · 26/08/2021 07:07

If that happens again I'd go to my room for a bit. If she asks why, just say you need a break from kids. Don't be quiet in the mornings either. That child needs to get up, feel tired and go to bed on time.

Sadiecow · 26/08/2021 07:09

YANBU!!

Jemand · 26/08/2021 07:09

Can you suggest to your friend that rewarding Alyssa for staying up by giving her a lot of attention and playing with her is not the way to go? At best she should be sat down with a book on her own, ideally she should be sent back to read in bed.

OverByYer · 26/08/2021 07:11

How about saying
‘ it would be lovely this evening if we can get the kids to bed on time and have a proper grown up evening and gossip’

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 26/08/2021 07:13

Bad luck

Some people are weak parents…

The girl is not horrible though, she is just an 8 yr old!

stepupandbecounted · 26/08/2021 07:13

Good Morning op, is the radio on yet, mini disco before breakfast sounds like a great idea for all the good sleepers in the house? Pancakes for breakfast it is with as much gusto as you can manage - friend asks everyone to quieten down for Alyssa, it is your perfect chance to say to her you feel lovely Alyssa needs a few early starts anyway, so she can go to sleep with all of the other children this evening.

Oh op, honestly I would feel the same. I don't think I could do another night of the gloating and playing audience to the lovely Alyssa - does the cottage have a bath you can retreat to with wine and your phone until you can go home?

I would seriously question future kiddie trips, and switch to an adults only weekend away from now on (I did this and it saved our friendship believe me) What worked once no longer works anymore.

HelloDulling · 26/08/2021 07:15

OP, if you’re not up and unloading that dishwasher while singing Let It Go at max volume, I want to know why.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/08/2021 07:16

You need to be firm with your friend that the world does not revolve around her eldest and you will not be tiptoeing round in the mornings.

Also, go to bed at nine. Fuck playing games and watching kids TV.

MsTSwift · 26/08/2021 07:17

Hell is other people and their children.

What is it with these primary kids that don’t obey their parents? When I was a child if my parents firmly told me to do or not do something I bloody just did it and my dc were the same.

We were in a lovely outdoor swimming pool yesterday with strictly timed booked lanes. Two kids in our lane when we went to swim mum told them to get out as their session over. They just ignored her! So she started wheedling and pleading. Cannot stand pathetic parenting. I nearly told them to get out myself as she was obviously incapable of doing it.

Eddielzzard · 26/08/2021 07:17

This would really piss me off. I would not keep quiet in the morning and I would say something to friend. She's being ridiculous. Her DD is enjoying all the 1 on 1 adult time and attention she's getting so she's not going to stop. Your friend will have to be firm. But if she doesn't again tonight, I would be going to bed to watch tv and drink wine.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/08/2021 07:18

@FortunesFave

Even if you had namechanged, the circumstances are unique so she'd recognise you anyway! I agree with letting the two older ones stay up later and entertaining one another in another room!
Yes but she then wouldn't be able to find all OP's other posts under the same name and read all about her friend's life through all her mumsnet posts
Oblomov21 · 26/08/2021 07:20

I wouldn't have allowed this. Certainly not after one night. I would have sent her to bed telling her that you and her mum need adult time and she can read her book until she falls asleep.

I don't know why most MN'ers are so compliant and wimpy. Why don't you say something?

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