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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 07:51

@stepupandbecounted her 5yo is one of the most lovely, sweet and charming children I have ever met. Hugely overshadowed in terms of attention by her sister. This holiday has made me a little sad as the wonderful 5yo is rarely praised but we have to listen to how wonderful 8yo is because she wrote and essay at school about leopards and the teacher said it was the best thing she read EVER.

5yo doesn't seem to notice though or if she does she takes it in her stride.

OP posts:
20viona · 26/08/2021 07:52

Yes this would piss me right off kids those kids should be in bed by 9 latest and staying there.

Bryonyshcmyony · 26/08/2021 07:55

Yeah those perfect second children can put a massive strain on the annoying first one though!

stepupandbecounted · 26/08/2021 07:56

That is quite sad for the little one, and eventually she will notice and it will become a problem unless it is addressed. It looks like the beginnings of a golden child dynamic to me, and a shame for everyone else involved. It wouldn't be so bad if she was the same with both children, but to praise one and not the other constantly is really very poor.

Of course the 5 yr old will grow to be well adjusted, likeable, fun with lots of friends most likely, but living in the shadows of golden child is an endurance, and usually made worse by the older child becoming angry if the younger one dares to do anything outstanding. Your friend is in for a rough ride. Poor kids!

Skyla2005 · 26/08/2021 07:58

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Bad luck

Some people are weak parents…

The girl is not horrible though, she is just an 8 yr old!

Not horrible just a pain in the arse !!!
ActonSquirrel · 26/08/2021 07:58

5yo doesn't seem to notice though or if she does she takes it in her stride.

My elder sister was like that. Sun shone out of her arse. Everything she did was amazing.

I didn't learn the pincer grip with a crayon or pen until I was older than most or perhaps I didn't want to use it.

I used to hold a crayon in my fist to draw and colour in with. I went over the lines on my colouring book. My sister was never off my back about it. Ummmm I'm telling my teacher off you...and mummy sort of thing.

She would come back from school all pleased and say I told my teacher off you and she said you shouldn't do that.

I got it in my own time and tbf class mates said why do you hold your crayons like that...I was only 4 it isn't the end of the world.

My penmanship improved and my sister ended up a university drop out and in low paid employment and I carved out a successful professional career. No malice or showing off from me, I merely illustrate that at that young age you cannot tell how one is going to be as an adult.

I would honestly just say to her no one likes show off.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 26/08/2021 07:59

Good luck for tonight..
Vowed many years ago never would I share a holiday with another family..

lottiegarbanzo · 26/08/2021 07:59

I think I'd get my two down, then go out for a little walk to give her time to get hers to sleep. So she doesn't need to feel rushed. Set your return as 'start of adult evening'. If her dd is downstairs when you come back, go up to your room and 'leave you two to it'.

Noise in the morning will help A get up at a normal time, so feel tired by the evening. Then maybe she'll get to bed on time tonight. Good eh?

I think I'd sympathise, in a way that made very clear how much I value adult evening time. How hard it was in lockdown when sleep patterns went awry and I felt I couldn't get any time away from DC etc.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 26/08/2021 07:59

'I was looking forward to catching up with you properly in the evenings, and I'm disappointed we haven't been able to do that because Aylssa's always around until 11'

Definitely do this ^^

I’m currently in holiday and getting annoyed with my own teens for not leaving us alone a bit at night. Can’t pack them off to bed though really can I ???

boomboom1234 · 26/08/2021 08:01

Oh this is soooo annoying! Definitely sounds like you have a better plan for tonight. If the child joins you just leave the room and do what you want to do. I bet the mum soon gets her to bed if she is left playing dobble alone with her lol

lottiegarbanzo · 26/08/2021 08:05

And yes, then make clear you're going to commandeer the living room for grown-up programmes. If she wants to watch kids progs, best do it upstairs. Her DD can go in her (the mum's) room, can't she?

SMabbutt · 26/08/2021 08:06

Before the kids are being sent to bed tonight just say to your friend that you want to be able to spend the rest of your holiday doing something you enjoy in the evening so you will be watching xx. Or you are happy to play poker with her and catch up. So if her daughter makes yet another appearance and she wants to spend her evening submitting to her daughter's demands please can they play dobble in another room. You will simply watch your programme and you will not be turning it off as there is only so much children's tv you can take and you need some adult time.

Alternatively you can ask if she will babysit the rest of the kids while spending the evening playing with her daughter so you can go to the pub and get some child free time without resorting to going to your bedroom.

honeylulu · 26/08/2021 08:07

Oh dear, sounds awful. My youngest is a bit like that at going to bed if she thinks she is missing something (though if all other children were in bed she would stay put). And I don't entertain her spoiling an adult evening. She would be put in another room with tv or plugged into her tablet with headphones.

In your position I would alternate between wine and TV on phone/ tablet on balcony/your room one night and firmly insisting on the other night that YOU will be watching the TV in the living room because its your turn (your friend can have the other turn to watch what she wants, Horrid Henry or not). And I would not tiptoe around in the morning, if Alyssa is woken up she might actually be tired enough to go to bed at a sensible time!

Having said all that we did/do let our children stay up later on holiday but we dont holiday with other adults and inflict our children on them. If we did I would probably seek to compromise on 9pm as a final bed time.

LoislovesStewie · 26/08/2021 08:07

Please; go to the pub get roaring drunk, come back and wake the little darling up.

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 26/08/2021 08:08

Stop indulging her. You don’t have to play Dobble or talk to her. Definitely disappear with your iPad or book and the wine.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 26/08/2021 08:09

Reserve the bath if there is one. A locked door is better than a closed one!!

GoodGrief100 · 26/08/2021 08:10

I'd be tempted to put the precious little twerp to bed myself and give her a death stare if she dared come out of bed again and quietly tell her she's not as amazing as she thinks she is....but in reality I would nurse a bottle of wine and quietly curse her! You've done well to get this far to be honest.

Oblomov21 · 26/08/2021 08:10

Op:
it's hard to then go "your kid is fucking annoying and I don't want to be around s her"

No. But then clearly you aren't real friends. If you can't be honest and have a simple conversation. Why are you so extremist? There are plenty of other posters who have suggested many ways :

' I need to talk to you about Alyssa staying up all night. It means we don't get any adult time to talk as friends".

If you can't have such a conversation then presumably the friendship isn't that great.

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 08:13

@ActonSquirrel your poor 4yo self!

Some of my loveliest and smartest pupils can't hold a pen properly, to digress a little I teach secondary and I absolutely HATE it when primary schools focus on the over-importance of things like this that don't matter a jot in the long run (or can be supported with a little help). Then we see brilliant kids coming into year 7 thinking they're total failures because they don't have great penmanship or do joined up writing Angry

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 26/08/2021 08:13

Squirry-the-squirrel

Has put it perfectly. Why are you not capable of talking to you mr friend OP?

"Can you not talk to your friend, rather than all this PA stuff that's been suggested about going out onto the balcony when the child comes downstairs?

Say something like 'I was looking forward to catching up with you properly in the evenings, and I'm disappointed we haven't been able to do that because Aylssa's always around until 11'"

itsgrand · 26/08/2021 08:17

@Oblomov21

Op: it's hard to then go "your kid is fucking annoying and I don't want to be around s her"

No. But then clearly you aren't real friends. If you can't be honest and have a simple conversation. Why are you so extremist? There are plenty of other posters who have suggested many ways :

' I need to talk to you about Alyssa staying up all night. It means we don't get any adult time to talk as friends".

If you can't have such a conversation then presumably the friendship isn't that great.

To be fair to the OP though, it is very difficult to point out someone's parenting flaws and that their little darling is a little brat. Absolute minefield.

OP I would start to do your own thing in the evenings and most definitely make as much noise as you like in the mornings while miss bratty brat is sleeping later than everyone else.

CornishTiger · 26/08/2021 08:17

Tell her straight this morning and hopefully you’ll get some peace this evening

GoodGrief100 · 26/08/2021 08:18

@Oblomov21

Squirry-the-squirrel

Has put it perfectly. Why are you not capable of talking to you mr friend OP?

"Can you not talk to your friend, rather than all this PA stuff that's been suggested about going out onto the balcony when the child comes downstairs?

Say something like 'I was looking forward to catching up with you properly in the evenings, and I'm disappointed we haven't been able to do that because Aylssa's always around until 11'"

It's sometimes easier to simply not say anything. OP did say she wouldn't put it quite as she wrote it but however nicely you put these things, people aren't stupid and they will get offended. I think she knows her friend a little better than you so can gauge her reaction to such a statement better. I wouldn't get too worked up, this isn't an earth shattering issue and you probably need to take the humour in OPs posts...
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 08:19

@Oblomov21 we aren't great friends because I don't always want her kid around me Confused people are sensitive about their kids, it's one of those areas where we all have to tread carefully, and my friend absolutely worships her DD and I wasn't joking when I said I think she probably thinks it's a privilege for me to be around her

OP posts:
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 08:21

YY if criticising someone's - anyone's - parenting wasn't such a minefield then MN probably wouldn't exist Grin

OP posts:
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