To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

@WobblyInAllTheRightPlaces - I agree with your observation.

What a horrible and disappointing 'holiday'. On the other hand, would be a good intro for the start of a remake of 'The Bad Seed.'

As a one off I wouldn't mind at all, but every single night would really piss me off. YANBU at all. Sounds like this little girl makes all the rules ...

@MrsRobbieHart

Urgh!! I’d hate this.

Tbh I’d announce I was off to bed as soon as Alyssa appeared downstairs. And if being quiet in the morning is mentioned I would give a hearty laugh and say “Alyssa should have gone to bed earlier then!”

This. The child is obnoxious and the mother is an idiot. If after one night of this reaction they pull it again i would take my kids and leave.

Do speak up. You paid good money and have limited time off.
Of course she is going to get up every single time since she is indulged with undivided attention every time she does it.
Torch and a book and stay in bed.

She sounds like a spoilt entitled brat

Don't go on holiday with them again. Sounds ultra annoying.

How long have you got left, op?

I'd do as pp's have said and go to bed as soon as Alyssa came back downstairs.

@AndTheReasonIsYou

My friends 8 year old has a really annoying habit of listening in to adult conversations. Go round for a coffee. Kids all playing happily then you notice he’s standing outside the room listening to your chat. Friend thinks it’s hi-larious.

I do not.

My friend’s 9yo does this. First time we found out, he had been writing notes on our conversation! She thought it was funny. Er no!

I think I'd sit on the balcony with a book/phone and wine and tell friend pleasantly to come and find you once she's got 8 year old settled in bed. Maybe 8 year old hasn't actually been coping that well and the obnoxiousness is a symptom - her mum may just be trying to respond to what she needs (and maybe not doing the best job). Don't fall out over it, but you want to make it clear that you're available for adult evening time only. If she's hanging out with her kid then you'll be enjoying yourself and waiting for her to hurry up.

If it happens again, start talking about taxes, politics or insurance policies. Put the news on, not Horrid Henry. Guaranteed to get even the most spoilt kid running for the hills.

As PP says when child comes down, go and sit on the balcony amd say ‘ I’ll get the cards ready for poker, while you sort A out.’ If they play boggle or whatever don’t join in. Sit and read

I wouldn't necessarily expect kids to go to sleep at their normal bedtime when they're on holiday.

But they would have to be in their rooms with a book/film/game/ipad and not bothering the adults.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea what Dobble is but I would certainly not be playing it. I'm normally tolerant of most things but this is beyond the pale.

I think you either have to put your foot down regarding Alyssa being there or say fuck it and let all the kids run around regardless until they fall asleep.

Op I really feel for you. I have had v similar. I'm not sure if you are a lone parent as I am but if you are then the prospect of a we of adult company is even more exciting - the plans you both made sound lovely and I really understand.

Yes it's tricky when you are away but it's still salvageable. Could you say.. 'shall we just have an adults only night tonight? I feel as of we haven't had the time together to do x y z as planned and I'd love some alone time with you- how do you feel about Alyssa having the iPad in bed tonight if she can't sleep so we can have at least 1 night where we can be adults?' Or something

As for Alyssa being how she is.. I really feel for you as this was exactly the same on my recent holiday. It brought out my inner 9 year old and an unthinkable rage (and was as much the parent's obvious delight in everything the child said however annoying) .

I didn't really find a solution other than disappearing outside with a glass of wine / pretending I needed the loo/ or managing to bite my tongue and change the subject.

I hope you get your evening (one at least) with your friend as I know how frustrating it is.

I’m on holiday

My sons autistic and we just can’t get him settled and asleep before 10pm and it’s driving us all mad

And this is my beloved son! I adore him and stil want him to leave me alone by 8pm, poor thing

Somebody else’s kid.... think I’d be saying something, I really would!

My eldest often refuses to go to sleep/ bed. They would love it if we gave in and let them stay up. However we insist that they stay in their bed. They don’t have to sleep but they do have to be in bed.

Unless your friend is willing to enforce this (which will be even more difficult now since the child will expect to stay up), all you can do is retreat and enjoy some me time.

Yeah, this would annoy me if it was every night. Also, if she is going to stay up, isn't there a book or device she could go on rather than making you change your whole evening? I did have a few days away with a friend last year and we let our 7&9 year old stay up pretty late, but we were all having fun together so it was different.

@Clymene

Tomorrow night, take your iPad and the bottle of wine and pointedly sit on the balcony with it. If your mate wants to spend the evening with her horrid 8 year old she can but you don't have to

This.

There is no way I’d be entertaining Alyssa in the evenings (or at any other time). Say to your friend ‘I’ll let you have some precious mother daughter time. I’ll chill with some wine’ and retire to the balcony with a good book.

Tbh I'd never get my 8 year old to bed at 8.30 on holiday although after a certain time (long before 8.30) id not be engaging in any dc friendly games. Suggest you sit in the kitchen while she watches tv in the living room?! Personally I'd probably plug mine in to a device . Whilst I don't think anyone should be quiet for Alyssa in the morning, at 7 am on holiday I'd be packing mine back to bed with strict instructions to be quiet for me, so I am on Alyssas side a little. Her holiday schedule suits mine better 😆.

@AndTheReasonIsYou

My friends 8 year old has a really annoying habit of listening in to adult conversations. Go round for a coffee. Kids all playing happily then you notice he’s standing outside the room listening to your chat. Friend thinks it’s hi-larious.

I do not.

When we were kids, and listening in to conversations my Mum would send us upstairs or into the garden with a very stern "You're not missing anything!"

Oh no.
Just no.
Absolutely not.
No way should my holiday be dictated around a kid, no way.
I’d definitely be saying something along the lines of what other people have suggested but probably more firmly.
I’d be announcing that tonight is adults only, I would be offering to do the bedtime routine for all 4 kids and suggest friend sets up the program, wine & glasses because I will be down in 10 and there will be NO interruption from anyone.
I’ve been looking forward to this for months and I’m going to have it.
A quiet word with the kid, stay in bed, do not come down, it’s not for kids tonight at all.
Done.
I would continue this if the kid appeared, say firmly, no, adults only, off your go.
If we fall out then so be it.
That’s a shit thing for a friend to force on you on your precious time off so it would likely be a deal breaker in terms of going away with her again.
No.

You know who you won't be going on holiday with again then.
Last time we were away with a family member their 6 & 2 yo's were still up at 11pm running around screaming (our then 4yo was in bed). They were both grumpy wrecks the next day and family member had the cheek to shush my child while he was playing as 2yo was napping.

@LanisHouseLot

I think I'd sit on the balcony with a book/phone and wine and tell friend pleasantly to come and find you once she's got 8 year old settled in bed. Maybe 8 year old hasn't actually been coping that well and the obnoxiousness is a symptom - her mum may just be trying to respond to what she needs (and maybe not doing the best job). Don't fall out over it, but you want to make it clear that you're available for adult evening time only. If she's hanging out with her kid then you'll be enjoying yourself and waiting for her to hurry up.

I like this solution. You're being nice but setting a boundary.

How on Earth did the game playing when she was meant to be in bed come about? I get that lots of kids will fanny about at bedtime, especially on holiday, and I don’t want to be one of those parents of younger kids who judges the parenting of older ones I’ve not experienced yet, but I’m picturing my sister’s reaction if we were trying to drink wine/watch tv on holiday and my nephew aged 8 had come down and asked to play a game while other kids slept…no game would have been played.

Why can't you speak to the mum? The kid sounds annoying but it's hardly her fault.