2nd Thread: friend wants to move in for a 'few months'

[islandhoppin]

As continued from my previous thread.

Glad you stayed strong OP it's very difficult when someone tries to emotionally blackmail you

Morning everyone, thanks for your kind messages!
Must admit it took a while to drop off last night, like a PP said, I just had so much swimming around my head.
I hope she's got the message now.. I've not had any further communication from her so far!

You haven’t really responded to her arguments though which is potentially why she doesn’t understand.

The OP is not obliged to explain why she does not want housemates, it's not a negotiation. The CF could easily argue that the OP is concerned about things which wouldn't bother her, for her to understand would require her to view the OP's concerns as valid, she does not.
Boundaries belong to us, they are not obstacles to be negotiated out of the way by CF determined to get their own way. If CF doesn't understand the word no that's her problem, not the OP's.

Keep going OP, you're doing really well. I'm sorry your "friend" is behaving this way. If the friendship can be salvaged after this then at least your friend will know your boundaries are not up for discussion. I wouldn't personally mourn the loss of a friend who had so little respect for me.

Hopefully you can empty your head a bit today. Go for a walk or something if you can and come to terms with the fact this is NOT your problem and you don't have to do anything further. Decision is made. The ball is in her court if she wants to behave like a friend again or not.
Hope you have a peaceful day.

She's utterly horrible. It's so sad when friends show colours you'd never expect

Please don’t feel you have to justify your decision op. I can’t believe she left a voice message after all your replies. As if that would make you change your mind. Ignore ignore ignore. If she comes round don’t let her in - she will have a sob story ready. Afraid the friendship is ruined anyway so nothing to lose

Wow!! Completely agree with you and everyone else! I wouldn’t be replying or if I did it would be a simple

‘ do not emotionally black mail me. This is not your moment of need, you do not NEED to move out, live in your home while
You sell it like 99% of people do? You both have family, it is not my job to house you all free of charge. My answer will not be changing, the way you are acting is disgraceful.’

Honestly the brass neck of some people, I cannot imagine being told no and arguing why they should change their mind

Hope today is a better day for you

I know she is your best friend but I don't think her behaviour is thoughtful or caring towards you at all. Is she always this selfish?

If she was a true friend she would respect your wishes. I'd feel mortified. And shame on her family for pushing her into asking to stay at yours. Why can't she stay with them?
You have definately made the right decision. Stick with it!

@daisychain01

Let her spit her dummy out all she likes, just because you've said no to what now seems increasingly like a demand not a light hearted request.

She sounds unhinged to quote a favourite MN word. It isn't your responsibility to fix whatever her issue is. You're a friend, not her therapist or housing support officer. She's burdening you excessively and inappropriately.

This.

Not sure what part of ‘no’ she doesn’t understand but you cannot have the cf anywhere near you.

I hope you don't hear another peep out of her. I am afraid you probably will though she doesn't seem to want to take no for an answer. Well done for staying strong!

Just remember if the friendship is ruined, that's on her not you.

Sounds like you're well rid. Stay strong

Has this behaviour come out of the blue from your friend or have you seen traits like this before? Does her family and partner now to her every demand? Is she a bit of a spoilt brat?

She's trying to manipulate you, by guilt tripping you. I'm glad you didn't give in! Stand firm. Just ignore all messages until she stops talking about it. To be honest it's different if she asked to move in temporarily, but she's not. She's asking to move in with a boyfriend and a dog! That's alot to ask of someone.

Just read both threads.
This is not normal behaviour from her.
It is unreasonable to exepct to move in with a friend like this, especially with a dog and partner, and at the same time to say - I can't afford to pay you!

Most people would not even ask.
The only way we would do this is if someone is in crisis, like leaving an abusive relationship. Then of course you would be there for your friend. But this is nothing like that.

Don't be tempted to give in. She is being manipulative because she has not got what she wants. That is her problem, not yours.

Hopefully friend will realise she is unreasonable. If she doesn't you have done nothing wrong, don't feel bad about it.

She sounds really hard work. How long have you known her and has she really been a good friend?

OP I had a “friend” like this, she was my best friend for many years and it took her being shitty to me over the course of a few weeks for the veil to fall and for me to finally see her for who she was. Your friend has done you a favour, although it won’t seem like it now. I’ve heard my former friend has lost many friends due to her entitled behaviour and I imagine yours will too.
Your friends boyfriend sounds like a delight as well doesnt he … 🤨

@FOJN I'm glad you said this as that was my exact thinking when I read the post saying she needed to explain more. No. Respect people's boundaries, don't expect an explanation!

It seems to me that your 'friend' had decided that you were going to put her up before she'd even asked you!
Which is why she's keeping on now, she can't believe you've said No.

Stay strong!

You haven’t really responded to her arguments though which is potentially why she doesn’t understand.

It doesn't matter what detail - like the OP being a human with a life, and wants, needs, and preferences of their own - this pushy woman does or does not understand/pretends to not understand. She has been presented with a polite and gentle, no, several times, and all she has done is back up and try to bulldoze the OP's boundaries.

You’ve said no, she isn’t listening. She knows she can bully you into changing your mind, and she’s hoping you’ll then persuade your partner.

If she messages/calls again, it might be worth getting your partner to respond, and tell her that it won’t be possible for her to stay, and you’re both resolute . Present a united front.

@Boombadoom

You haven’t really responded to her arguments though which is potentially why she doesn’t understand.

‘Dogs are not allowed upstairs in this house so that wouldn’t work I’m afraid’
‘We cannot afford to feed you and house you for free’
‘We want / need our own space and having you and it appears you DP here is not conducive to that’
‘I am not a selfish person inherently but I know that it will impact me negatively, I am a good friend and I hope you understand that I need to think of myself right now’.

She is trying to take advantage of you and is a complete CF. Get rid.

I wouldn’t do this. If I had to reply again don’t be so defensive. ‘Im shocked to realise you weren’t even planning to contribute money for food! You have a house to live in, so I don’t even know why you’re asking. Stop trying to pressure me into something which obviously does not at all work for me!

I wouldn't make excuses or answer her points. No is enough.

"I have made my position very clear. Please don't ask me again"