Page 3 | 2nd Thread: friend wants to move in for a 'few months'

islandhoppin · 2021-08-25T22:11:03+00:00

As continued from my previous thread.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 26/08/2021 05:40

Thank you for posting the link @MangoBiscuit

She sounds awful

daisychain01 · 26/08/2021 05:42

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

I saw the previous thread when you were feeling bad for saying no but can't find the thread to see what's happened. If she is not being very nice then cut ties OP.

I'd vote for cutting ties. No way is this a normal way to behave.

Unforgivable that this so called friend is exerting excessive emotional duress just because they cannot cope with being told no by the OP and respecting their decision. If it continues, it's bordering on abuse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2021 05:45

@MadameMonk

Much as we might all speculate on this thread about what’s being left out of your friend’s story, I’d strongly advise you (and your DP) not to look into that or ask further questions. Anything other than a firm repeat of the basic boundary you’ve now set can (and no doubt will) be taken as a new opportunity to harangue you or escalate the sob story.

Boundaries are walls. You set them up, alert anyone who needs to know that it’s there, then walk away from your side of the wall back to your life. Don’t hang around your wall, getting worn down hearing the toddler wailing happening on the other side.

And any flying monkeys who pop over the wall to slyly scope the gossip or pressure you? They get the same short shrift. I use the sentence ‘Actually I’ve decided that topic is closed, I won’t be discussing it any more.’ Said in a calm, casual tone. Then change the subject or end the conversation.

I’d also be quickly planning some urgent house repairs/renovations to strengthen my resolve. Not cos I had to, just to give my boundary extra ‘bricks’. If you stop thinking of your home as having ‘spare rooms’, maybe others will too. They aren’t spare, they are exactly as occupied and useful as you want and need them to be. Rename them, redecorate them. You could probably use a meditation area with your current issues? Paint one red and hang a sex swing in it? That’ll send a couple of different messages to anyone hoping to stay.

This is a brilliant post. It does take time to disengage from the drama. But you can do it. You already are sounding calmer and more composed, which is positive. It’s hard when people show you who they are in such a brutal way.

I wonder at the brass neck of such people. I have also been on the receiving end of such manipulation. If only they could use this determination for something positive, imagine where they could be… not trampling other people’s boundaries for starters.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/08/2021 05:56

I'm shaking my pom poms too OP!

Keep on keeping on!

She's finally shown who she is as a friend.... She wants HER friends as a free resource to use when it suits.

Also apart from the many many VALID reasons you've outlined...

Essentially you WOULD BE PAYING FOR HER HOUSE UPGRADE! and it would worsen your mental health.

I can't see ANY reason why this arrangement would benefit you!

There's CFs everywhere.... Yes I'm looking at you, continental cousin (essentially a stranger, who I've met at a distance, at family gatherings) , who put mega pressure on us-many calls/emails to put up her teenager (similarly a stranger), for SIX weeks in our small apartment... For NO rent /board, and free daily immersive English lessons from us , and also when we remonstrated we had literally NO SPACE and we were also busy working, our older cousin tried to steamroller over this, telling us we could take holiday to facilitate her daughters free language school... This was three years ago... Not heard anything from them since... ). Seems they paid non-family to do this eventually about 30 mins from us.... Yup we didn't hear a thing from her daughter during this time... Yup only interested in us for a freebie

UnsuitableHat · 26/08/2021 06:00

Good for you OP; keep saying no if you have to, especially now she’s treated you without respect. If you can limit contact for a while that might be a good idea too. I suspect she’s in financial shit and had you marked out as a lifeline.

yellowsofa · 26/08/2021 06:18

CF at its finest

IHateCoronavirus · 26/08/2021 06:30

Stay strong 💪

Magi84 · 26/08/2021 06:31

So pleased you have an understanding DP because this person (simply can't be described as friend) has been extremely abusive in her contact with you. She has obviously built up a scenario in her mind which facilitates an expense free time to enable her to buy a new property. It leaves one breathless to imagine anyone even considering asking such thing. Stay strong OP.

DiscoDown21 · 26/08/2021 06:43

I think there’s more to her story than she’s letting on. Keep strong OP, glad your DP has your back.

daisychain01 · 26/08/2021 06:57

I’d also be quickly planning some urgent house repairs/renovations to strengthen my resolve. Not cos I had to, just to give my boundary extra ‘bricks’. If you stop thinking of your home as having ‘spare rooms’, maybe others will too. They aren’t spare, they are exactly as occupied and useful as you want and need them to be. Rename them, redecorate them

Why should the OP have to go to all this expense and disruption? And why should she have to justify her spare rooms. She isn't breaking any law by just saying no.

If anything, she should be completely inactive towards this entire episode and refuse to forced into explaining further. Her house, her decision!

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 26/08/2021 07:03

She's working herself up into a froth because you had the nerve to say no to her outrageous plan. God, she would have been an utter nightmare if she'd got her foot in your door.

Well done OP. I hope you feel more confident that you did the right thing and don't feel guilty any more.

This is probably the end of this friendship, but she is the one whose actions ended it. And you've found out that she was a crappy friend anyway, so it's her loss.

torchh · 26/08/2021 07:05

Imagine trying to get rid of her after 'a few months' if she did actually move in

Mumdiva99 · 26/08/2021 07:07

Hope you slept well and your friend leaves you alone today.

Sagaris · 26/08/2021 07:13

Shamelessly placemarking! She has shown her true colours with that voicemail, she clearly expected you to cave in and bail her out. Well done to you and DP, keep it up!

Unsure33 · 26/08/2021 07:13

@islandhoppin

I can just say this to you. Next week we were due to have nowhere to go due to a horrendous house sale and purchase and a few friends and family offered us a place to stay . Guess what we refused! Why ? Because we have dogs, we knew it would be open ended, we knew it would be inconvenient and uncomfortable for ALL parties.

So we have been looking for air B and B or short term rents.

That is what friends do. They don’t take advantage.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/08/2021 07:16

The tears may well be manipulation and/or exasperation that her cunning plan of you bailing her out to a massive degree has been blown out of water by you! .

I suspect didn't occur to her, that you wouldn't just roll over and offer up your house and funds to support her for her next house purchase.

There must be more to how/why she wont/can't live in house until sold : I'm another vote for the co-owner of the house is exasperated by her, potentially she's in mortgage arrears, and that her /her difficult dog / and thoughtless partner have trashed the co-owned space...in these circumstances as an innocent co-owner I'd be putting pressure on these people /animals to vacate, so the house could be spruced up and sold.

ShuddaBeenMe · 26/08/2021 07:20

She's a con man.

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/08/2021 07:23

If you feel yourself wobbling remind yourself you’re saying no for your dogs, it would be horribly unfair to them!

Eddielzzard · 26/08/2021 07:24

She's shown you her true colours. She's manipulative and nasty, doesn't respect your boundaries. No way you can have her in your house! Her entitlement is astounding.

MangoBiscuit · 26/08/2021 07:26

All caught up. What a horrible, selfish, cheeky fucker she is!! How dare she try to guilt trip you, especially after you've told her your mental health is rocky at the moment.

Of course MH and anxiety can make a person unable to "reply to someone in need". I put that in quotes, because I don't think she's actually in need. She wants to move out, she doesn't need to. Her desire to move in no way trumps your very real need for peace in your home, and time and space to heal. OP, I am furious on your behalf.

And even without all the horrible behaviour, and the MH rough patch, expecting to move a dog into a home with an existing, and territorial dog, is a stupid bloody idea.

Boombadoom · 26/08/2021 07:33

You haven’t really responded to her arguments though which is potentially why she doesn’t understand.

‘Dogs are not allowed upstairs in this house so that wouldn’t work I’m afraid’
‘We cannot afford to feed you and house you for free’
‘We want / need our own space and having you and it appears you DP here is not conducive to that’
‘I am not a selfish person inherently but I know that it will impact me negatively, I am a good friend and I hope you understand that I need to think of myself right now’.

She is trying to take advantage of you and is a complete CF. Get rid.

notanothertakeaway · 26/08/2021 07:40

@MadameMonk

Much as we might all speculate on this thread about what’s being left out of your friend’s story, I’d strongly advise you (and your DP) not to look into that or ask further questions. Anything other than a firm repeat of the basic boundary you’ve now set can (and no doubt will) be taken as a new opportunity to harangue you or escalate the sob story.

Boundaries are walls. You set them up, alert anyone who needs to know that it’s there, then walk away from your side of the wall back to your life. Don’t hang around your wall, getting worn down hearing the toddler wailing happening on the other side.

And any flying monkeys who pop over the wall to slyly scope the gossip or pressure you? They get the same short shrift. I use the sentence ‘Actually I’ve decided that topic is closed, I won’t be discussing it any more.’ Said in a calm, casual tone. Then change the subject or end the conversation.

I’d also be quickly planning some urgent house repairs/renovations to strengthen my resolve. Not cos I had to, just to give my boundary extra ‘bricks’. If you stop thinking of your home as having ‘spare rooms’, maybe others will too. They aren’t spare, they are exactly as occupied and useful as you want and need them to be. Rename them, redecorate them. You could probably use a meditation area with your current issues? Paint one red and hang a sex swing in it? That’ll send a couple of different messages to anyone hoping to stay.

I love the analogy of a wall

LookItsMeAgain · 26/08/2021 07:41

@islandhoppin - I hope you were able to get some sleep last night. I can only imagine the amount of ideas that would have been swimming around in your brain as you try to unwind and relax when you have this cheeky fucker (I'm not going to abbreviate as she really deserves the full words here) putting so much pressure on you.

I still stand by my suggestion to have a script ready if she decides to ring/show up.
If she is so brazen (and at this point, nothing she would do would shock me) to show up in tears at your front door, do not let her in. Get your DP to deal with her.
Have the script ready though. The answer is still no. It will always be no. And if the friendship ends, it is entirely of her doing.

In my opinion (for whatever that is worth) you are 1000% doing the right thing.

Pipsquiggle · 26/08/2021 07:42

Well done OP. So glad you said no and her behaviour since has proved you were right to do.

What I find really weird:
*She won't to tell you in any detail why she needs a place to stay, particularly as her current house isn't on the market.
*She is not even remotely specific on timings.
*She wanted to stay with you rent free - complete cheeky fuckery.
*Her expectation that you will just say 'yes' to this ridiculous plan is staggering - she is insane

As others have said, if she keeps emotionally blackmailing you, maybe get DP to step in. Do not waste any more emotional energy or time on this

LAgeDeRaisin · 26/08/2021 07:45

her dog has pissed on all of the carpets. There are 4 months of dishes in the kitchen similar to the opening scene of 'Withnail and I'. Someone has done a turd in the bath and no one will admit to it so no one has cleaned it up. There are fag ends floating in off milk and none of the lightbulbs work. There's a huge dead rat that they've called Piggy and it has been mounted on a post in the hallway like William Golding's shit first draft. There are 2 used condoms on the front path and one of them has been blown up and fashioned into a sort of talisman mascot for the house with a face drawn on the front and hair taken from the matt clogging up the broken shower

She wants to take all of these items and habits to your house so that they don't impact her sale

I would like to amend my previous reasoning above to include:
A new place for 6 months will cost £800/month in rent
£120/month in wifi, gas, electric, water, council tax
£15/month in parking
£250/month in eating your food
£10,000 in the increase in sale value from removal of Piggy, the nut job and the turd
£5000 for her half paying for a lifetime of therapy for her old house mate

All in all, 6 months of this move will earn her £22,110

She has likely already spent this money on magic beans, or at the races, in anticipation of your acceptance. Now, in her mind, you owe her £22,110 and an apology.