Well I'll just sell the effing house then now.

[Handy123]

I've got three children and no support. They are 9 months, 3 and 5. I have Hashimoto's disease which I have struggled to control recently.

Husband works full time and so all childcare/cleaning etc falls to me. He does cook in the evenings which I'm grateful for and help a little at weekends.

I've just got back from two days spent at my parents' caravan in the South West. DH working so couldn't come too. I had been overwhelmed before I got there to be honest (3 hours' drive away with the baby still breastfed). I had been really hoping for a bit of support, a chance for a break perhaps even.

Anyway, my parents (who have both retired and spend most of the summer on their caravan) just didn't offer to help at all. In fact, they just criticised my parenting most of the time. The usual 'rod for my own back' comments about my toddler being very attached to me and how I should be smacking my children.

I cried most of the way home (cut the holiday short in fact) as I'm so frustrated that they didn't help. I did not expect them to have any of the children during the day, but the fact I couldn't even have a shower whilst they held the baby, shows how they just didn't seem to care.

Back story: they 'helped' us to buy a house next door to them years ago. 'Helped' because they wanted it really and to control me by having me next door to them. There's been a huge amount of emotional manipulation about it ever since and we moved out 2 years ago. I want to sell it (its 100% owned by me), but out of some weird misplaced loyalty, I've only rented it out. They dreamily think that 'one day' I might want to live there again. I won't.

Anyway, I feel like they've showed their true colours recently and I think if they are going to be like that with me, I might as well sell it and be happy, putting that part of my life behind me. It could result in a huge family fallout.

AIBU - Yes - stop being petty over a few days' holiday blip
AIBU - No - sod it and sell up for closure

@GiantHaystacks2021

Sell the fucker. YANBU.

This.

Life is too short. Distance can be a lovely thing. It's not just a holiday blip if they are controlling and you've already moved out to escape the criticism.

Sell and be happy.

Sell the house. Invest the money in a pension for you.
Apply for PIP and use PIP to get a cleaner and have food shop delivered.

Resign yourself to no hands on help from your parents. I don’t think you’d want their help really if they’re encouraging you to “smack” your toddler, then that’s what they’ll probably do if you left your children with them. You don’t want your children smacked! Or abused in any other way...even shouting and name calling is abuse.

Plan holidays with you, DH and children. Limit visits to your parents to bank holiday weekends.

She’s also sneering at them for having cleaners for their caravan.

No she isn't. She's annoyed that when SHE wanted a cleaner, they criticised her, so she didn't get one. Then she finds THEY'VE got one for a flippin' CARAVAN.

OP has a house, a health condition and three kids to manage but they gave her grief for considering a cleaner. Come on now, in OP's position we'd all be pissed off to find that they had one for their van.

@SunshineCake

Sell the house. Move somewhere really cheap. Use the money to divorce a husband who thinks cooking dinner and helping a bit at weekends is enough and the rest to pay for help.

Oh FFS. When my DH came home from work knackered every day, and immediately set to work making dinner for us all from scratch (from when I was a SAHM to a baby and toddler, to when I was working as well), I appreciated it. Why on earth would someone divorce such a man?

...and yep, OP. Get a cleaner asap. I found it life-transforming when I worked full time. I'd have had one earlier if I could have afforded it and/or justified it to myself. I waited too long.

I couldn't imagine seeing one of my children struggling and not wanting to help them, not to offer them a moment to even shower.

yanbu OP.

"Don't take free holidays and then moan that they don't come with free childcare" "A bit harsh" If you can type out such an abrasive message and call someone else's post "harsh" then you truly are the very definition of pot meet kettle

Sell the house. No judging, but why did you decide to have the third child so soon? 3 under 5 sounds like a bit much..

Sell the house if it would make you happy and give them their contribution back.

You don't owe them anything then.

I have autoimmune Hashimoto's - also very hard to control.

My oldest was 3 yr 6 months when my third was born. So I had 3 DC under 4 yrs.

My husband certainly wouldn't have come home from a 12 hr shift and started cooking. I wouldn't expect him to.

I had zero help from either side as our parents were either too elderly or worked full time.

We had no financial gifts, we managed on one income until I went back to work when the youngest started school.

I never expected anyone else to look after my children. It never occurred to us to holiday with parents.

We had years of camping until children were of an age we knew they'd behave on a flight. Youngest was 10 yrs when we started to holiday abroad.

Camping certainly wasn't a holiday with three young children. I often felt I needed a break when we got home.

I don't understand why anyone would expect support from others to bring up their own family.

We were very grateful for offers of help but we never asked for it.

[quote Ponoka7]@Abbreviatethisplease
"How patronising. People do actually plan to have 3 under 5 you know!"

Have as many as you both decide, just don't expect physical help from people who've done their time and are aging.
I've made it clear to my DD that if she has another then she's doing it all until 18 months old. I've provided childcare from birth for her other two, but now I'm done with babies. Unless you've agreed TTC with your parents, don't expect help with newborns.

@Handy123, were they positive when you announced your last pregnancy? They shouldn't criticise you or your parenting, unless you are making life more difficult for yourself and expecting their help. They do help, they gave you a deposit and give you free holidays. Now you and your DH need to work out what you need and how it can be achieved. You've decided your family size and he has all weekend to give you a break. Likewise he can do housework of a evening like others have to.[/quote]
There's a big difference between providing childcare and holding a baby whilst your daughter has a shower. You are projecting your situation onto her problem

OP take some time as others have suggested ...

Don't rush into anything 🌸

Get financial advice on the selling the house and investing the equity or paying off a chunk of your current mortgage or whatever.

I certainly would not hold on to a house I never intend to live in again to avoid conflict with my parents.

You wouldn’t be living next door to them, they could be as annoyed and upset as they liked. If it makes your life easier do it.

You own a house outright which you are getting rent on so therefore making a profit - use the money to pay for a parent helper / cleaner. Clinging toddlers don't always go easily to other people even if they are grandparents. Putting your parents 'behind you' because you feel they didn't help you enough over three days sounds a bit weird to me.

Do they help with the management of the house rental? Does renting the house benefit you? Do whatever benefits you most- don't sell it for closure if having it helps you financially.

Sell the property and use some of the money for a cleaner and some childcare. They are only young once, with a bit more support you'll be able to enjoy it more and have a break (and a shower).

Or use some of the rental income for a cleaner.

@PinkyAndALurkyPerky

But they have offered you support in their own way. I'm sorry you are ill but they have bought you a house and given you a holiday. Why did you agree to this and what more should they do when you & your husband had three children knowing the circumstances? They have their lives too

They really haven’t. They helped with a house because it suited them, so they could feel good about themselves or hold it over their child.

They didn’t help at all with their own grandchildren on holiday. Who does that? It’s strange for grandparents not to at least help with the baby so their daughter can get a shower.

it's sounds like not helping with the baby was punishment for having a third - I mean who doesn't dandle a baby on their knee - I would do that for a stranger for 15 mins if it helped out - let alone GPs.
What's the financial situation - is the rent you get needed, it's certainly a good time to sell.

Sell the house, use money to hire a cleaner.

@saraclara

She’s also sneering at them for having cleaners for their caravan.

No she isn't. She's annoyed that when SHE wanted a cleaner, they criticised her, so she didn't get one. Then she finds THEY'VE got one for a flippin' CARAVAN.

OP has a house, a health condition and three kids to manage but they gave her grief for considering a cleaner. Come on now, in OP's position we'd all be pissed off to find that they had one for their van.

That’s not true, @saraclara , OP doesn’t say that when she wanted a cleaner they criticised her. She has assumed they would criticise her, but I don’t that’s realistic. People who have cleaners for their caravan etc don’t tend to judge others for having cleaners.

The sheer entitlement people have to their parents ‘ money on MN is insane.

@phishy

The sheer entitlement people have to their parents ‘ money on MN is insane.

What do you mean by that?

[quote Handy123]@Abbreviatethisplease You are right: I am going into this situation emotionally atm rather than financially.

It would certainly be a hell of a shock to my parents.

If I sell, I would put some into child ISAs, some into my new business.

It's a large property, so the rental yield is low. It's one of those situations where the money could be invested much more wisely for a better overall income. It's a listed old cottage - wonderful for a tenant, but a nightmare for a landlord with the various issues old houses have. It's much more costly to maintain than ppl might realise.[/quote]
Sell the fucker. Move faaaaaaaaar away. Remember how shit they make you feel when they ask you for help later in life.

@thelionqwueen

Sell the house. No judging, but why did you decide to have the third child so soon? 3 under 5 sounds like a bit much..

That’s not really any of your business, is it?

@phishy

The sheer entitlement people have to their parents ‘ money on MN is insane.

phishy, you are coming across as incredibly judgemental and a bit jealous. Some other posters are just coming across as total judgey-pants.

OP, your posts shout loud of FOG (Fear [of disapproval], Obligation, Guilt). I think that posting in AIBU will get you these types of response as they wont' really understand the nuances of coming from a disfunctional family. Try Relationships and, as PPs have recommended, the Stately Homes thread in there.

Good luck and .... get a cleaner! No guilt!