Well I'll just sell the effing house then now.

[Handy123]

I've got three children and no support. They are 9 months, 3 and 5. I have Hashimoto's disease which I have struggled to control recently.

Husband works full time and so all childcare/cleaning etc falls to me. He does cook in the evenings which I'm grateful for and help a little at weekends.

I've just got back from two days spent at my parents' caravan in the South West. DH working so couldn't come too. I had been overwhelmed before I got there to be honest (3 hours' drive away with the baby still breastfed). I had been really hoping for a bit of support, a chance for a break perhaps even.

Anyway, my parents (who have both retired and spend most of the summer on their caravan) just didn't offer to help at all. In fact, they just criticised my parenting most of the time. The usual 'rod for my own back' comments about my toddler being very attached to me and how I should be smacking my children.

I cried most of the way home (cut the holiday short in fact) as I'm so frustrated that they didn't help. I did not expect them to have any of the children during the day, but the fact I couldn't even have a shower whilst they held the baby, shows how they just didn't seem to care.

Back story: they 'helped' us to buy a house next door to them years ago. 'Helped' because they wanted it really and to control me by having me next door to them. There's been a huge amount of emotional manipulation about it ever since and we moved out 2 years ago. I want to sell it (its 100% owned by me), but out of some weird misplaced loyalty, I've only rented it out. They dreamily think that 'one day' I might want to live there again. I won't.

Anyway, I feel like they've showed their true colours recently and I think if they are going to be like that with me, I might as well sell it and be happy, putting that part of my life behind me. It could result in a huge family fallout.

AIBU - Yes - stop being petty over a few days' holiday blip
AIBU - No - sod it and sell up for closure

I would sell.
Sad that they could see you were struggling and wouldn’t help - even for you to have a shower?
Step away from them OP and sell your house, and be free of this negativity.
I’m not a grandparent yet, but I can never understand why people cannot seem to give help and support to their own child even as an adult , when they need it, baffles me.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but I also think your husband needs to step up more ( it’s not ‘helping ‘ in your own home and with your own DC)

They bought you a house and hosted you on holiday. I know it's not the support you want, but it's a hell of a lot more than many of us get, and they didn't make you have three children. Did you actually ask one of them to hold the baby whilst you showered?

When they're old and need help will they expect you to beat them too?

Maybe just talk to your parents about your plans. You sound like different types of people anyway, so may do you good to put some distance between you-you don’t sound as if you like them very much so would the fallout be that upsetting? I would want to sell the house. I take it it was your husband’s choice as well as yours to have 3 children under 5 when you’re ill? If so, he needs to step up more. Have an honest conversation with the people in your life about what you’re going through.

Sell the house but give them whatever they invested back. If they refuse it, then that’s lovely of them and you’ve done the right thing. But just selling it then taking it is wrong in my eyes.

As someone else said, next time be upfront with what you need help with. So ‘I really need a shower, would one of you mind taking her for a bit’. If they refuse that then they are being horrible. But sometimes it’s just awkwardness in not wanting to be overbearing, or just being plain ignorant.

Sell the house and remember this when they want help.

I couldnt see my daughter struggle like this and not at least offer to help. They wouldnt hold the baby for ten minutes for you to have a shower. Unbelievable

Anyway, I feel like they've showed their true colours recently and I think if they are going to be like that with me, I might as well sell it and be happy, putting that part of my life behind me. It could result in a huge family fallout.

Wow.

What's the alternative - you keep a house you don't want to live in, thereby putting paid to any dream of moving on & settling somewhere happier? For how long? For what purpose?

It sounds like your extended family life is pretty much all fallout anyway, if all they do is bitch & criticise. I can't believe they wouldn't even hold the baby so you could shower. How much do you care about the opinion of people who instruct you to hit your children, anyway?

You couls keep the house, 'for a quiet life' that doesn't actually exist.
Or ... & hold on to your hat here OP ... you could actually just do exactly as you damn well please.

Your parents are going to bitch at you whether you keep it or sell it, aren't they? So - go get an estate agent, & start the lovely addictive process of Rightmove shopping :)

@Handy123 from the way your op sounds they are like my parents used to be. Every little offering of help came with strings which were ultimately not worth the help. Personally I would sell up, but not immediately. I'd want time to calm down.

I have been able to retrieve a better relationship now with my parents but that's because something was explained that gave me an insight into why my mum was the way she was with me.

I'm wondering if they are also 'dreamily' thinking that when they start needing extra support you will move back to next door so that you can be 'on call' for all their 'increasingly' additional needs.

What is this work your husband does that means he can't come on a family holiday or bring up his own children, knowing that his wife is not well? 3 under 5 is tough for anyone.
Time for a big talk with him!
You need more help from him or from someone you pay to help. Help is not forthcoming from your parents and you're not well. Sorry this is happening to you OP. But it's up to you to demand improvements now you've recognised there's a problem.

@thecognoscenti

They bought you a house and hosted you on holiday. I know it's not the support you want, but it's a hell of a lot more than many of us get, and they didn't make you have three children. Did you actually ask one of them to hold the baby whilst you showered?

Aye! OP, tis all your won fault. Nbody around you will ever know what you want, need, would like unless you speak up, slowly and louldy.

OTOH had you come to mine I'd have gritted my teeth and offered to take all 3 of your little monsters and given you an afternoon in the bath (and my bath is very deep, hot water copiuous ). And I don't know you or like children! A knackered mum is blindingly obvious. No "tsk tsk! You are parenting wrong" is ever going to be helpful!

Sell the house. Give them back their 'help' deposit if it makes enough and that would you feel less endebted. Then make yourself some space.

And while you are at it, have a quiet chat with DH about the times you struggle more than usual. It is entirely possible that he needs to notice more and youneed to say more. A calm chat about dealing with it might help, even if you have done so already. I have ME/CFS and occasionally have to remind DH that I am at the end of my reserves.

Sell it. Take a major step back from them. Eventually the boot will probably will be on the other foot, when they are old and infirm. Cue you not assisting in anyway and random references to them making a rod for their own back

Sell it and be grateful and go on a different holiday.

@CheesyWeez

What is this work your husband does that means he can't come on a family holiday or bring up his own children, knowing that his wife is not well? 3 under 5 is tough for anyone. Time for a big talk with him! You need more help from him or from someone you pay to help. Help is not forthcoming from your parents and you're not well. Sorry this is happening to you OP. But it's up to you to demand improvements now you've recognised there's a problem.

Not sure why the OP's husband earning a living so support his family is a negative! He could quite probably quit whatever he does for a part time job, but that might not pay the bills.

As for the house OP, sell it if you want to sell it. Don't do it as an act of revenge though if this is the only reason. If it makes financial sense to keep it, do so. If not, sell up preferably to someone who wants to redevelop it as a hostel for people with drug problems.

Sell the house
Pay a student /young baby sitter to come away with you and help

Why on earth would you move back 😂

Sell the house and give back any cash you were given. Ditch holidays until there’s a chance they will be fun - tiny kids will get as much from going to the park. It’ll get better - two under 5 was grim - I can’t imagine having 3.

Make sure you go for additional blood tests, and ask them to test TSH, T4 & T3. If your bloods are going over 4 for TSH just up your thyroxine and tell them you need more. Do not let them fob you off. Ask to be referred to Endocrinology and dont take no for a answer.

DH needs to do more.

Sell the house.

Hope you feel better.

Don't do anything yet. It looks as if you may decide to sell but make a plan for it, as PP have said, potentially for when the lodgers give notice. Weigh it up in the context of your family's overall financial picture and 10 year hopes, I think you would need to give DH a say but to be firm that there may be an alternative to what the house provides (another one? You working or having a business?)

Don't holiday with DPs for more than 3 days and don't see offers like that as a holiday. It won't be what either side expected. I know of relatives with a similar setup - DC are around 7 and 4 and at this point it hasn't improved to something everyone can find to be a relaxing break, as they would define one.

I think you should think about this when you are calm. Take the emotion out of it if you can...what are the financial implications? Eg: will you miss the rent money? Would holding onto it be better long term? If you sell what will you do with the money? Is it mortgaged? Lots to think about financially not just emotionally.

I don't really understand the posters critising the husband...he works FT, he helps at the weekend and cooks in the evening. When does he have time to do more?

Sell it!

I don't think you're BU but I'm not sure a knee jerk house sale is in your best interests either. If your life is on hold until you get the cash out of the house then sell, but if you can keep it ticking along as a rental without detriment to yourself that might be the most "being kind to yourself" route.

Don't just hit out on reflex, and only do it if it is the best thing for you and your family right now. If you've already got too much on your plate, this is one battle that can wait.

Sell

Ignore the “advice”. If you were doing what they suggested they’d still have some advice for you. Do it your way op

Yes sell and get some distance. Accept that your parents aren’t helpful.