Well I'll just sell the effing house then now.

[Handy123]

I've got three children and no support. They are 9 months, 3 and 5. I have Hashimoto's disease which I have struggled to control recently.

Husband works full time and so all childcare/cleaning etc falls to me. He does cook in the evenings which I'm grateful for and help a little at weekends.

I've just got back from two days spent at my parents' caravan in the South West. DH working so couldn't come too. I had been overwhelmed before I got there to be honest (3 hours' drive away with the baby still breastfed). I had been really hoping for a bit of support, a chance for a break perhaps even.

Anyway, my parents (who have both retired and spend most of the summer on their caravan) just didn't offer to help at all. In fact, they just criticised my parenting most of the time. The usual 'rod for my own back' comments about my toddler being very attached to me and how I should be smacking my children.

I cried most of the way home (cut the holiday short in fact) as I'm so frustrated that they didn't help. I did not expect them to have any of the children during the day, but the fact I couldn't even have a shower whilst they held the baby, shows how they just didn't seem to care.

Back story: they 'helped' us to buy a house next door to them years ago. 'Helped' because they wanted it really and to control me by having me next door to them. There's been a huge amount of emotional manipulation about it ever since and we moved out 2 years ago. I want to sell it (its 100% owned by me), but out of some weird misplaced loyalty, I've only rented it out. They dreamily think that 'one day' I might want to live there again. I won't.

Anyway, I feel like they've showed their true colours recently and I think if they are going to be like that with me, I might as well sell it and be happy, putting that part of my life behind me. It could result in a huge family fallout.

AIBU - Yes - stop being petty over a few days' holiday blip
AIBU - No - sod it and sell up for closure

Would you be able to sell it under their noses with no for sale sign. They may decide to put off potential buyers playing loud music.
(If they still live next door)

I would absolutely sell though.

There are things you have to separate out.

Finances: if the house isn't making a decent ROI, then you should sell it. Return to your parents what you need to, and then invest the money more wisely. The only reason to keep up a less-than-profitable investment is sentiment or plans for the future. It seems like that's not applicable right now.

Help: you need it. Get a cleaner in once a week (or fortnight if necessary). Have a local teen come in twice a week in the afternoons, say from 3-5 or 4-6, to look after the kids while you do what you need to do: decompress, attack a project, go for a shop by yourself, go for a walk, whatever. Those Tuesday/Thursday afternoons will be lifesavers.

Your parents: I wouldn't cut them off, but I'd pull away. Not just with the house, but with the emotional entanglement. There's no reason they need to know you have a cleaner. No reason they need to know you've made small decisions in your life. Disengage a bit.

Sell the house, and use the money for a cleaner and a fab break with childcare. I have Hashimoto's and a few years ago found out about supplementing with Vitamin B and selenium, don't know if you are already doing this, but it made a difference for me, although of course it is very individual.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Handy. Have you got fool-proof contraception? I reckon that's priority number 1 in this situation. The rest comes after.

How patronising. People do actually plan to have 3 under 5 you know!

Sell the house and NEVER live nextdoor to them again my DH is 39 and he can tell you of the decades of misery he had living nextdoor to his grandmother all because his df wanted to now the df has died he's left going NC with his greedy sister and his dm It's not a good idea to stay in shit circumstances time for a fresh new start

YANBU to be upset, but if you’re earning good rental income off the property there really is no need to sell it? If you sell and have the cash, unless you’ve got an investment plan you’ll either fritter it away or just have it sitting somewhere losing value due to inflation. By all means if you have another investment that you want to funnel that cash into, sell, but otherwise just keep it and maybe spend some of the rental money on something outrageous that they wouldn’t approve of to give you some sweet satisfaction

How is the OP sneering?

[quote Missreginafalange]@phishy It doesn’t sound like OP appreciates her parents buying her a large property at all.

She’s also sneering at them for having cleaners for their caravan.

I doubt we’re getting the full story here.

That's because they didn't buy her a large property, OP has already said the property is owned 100% by her further up, so sounds like any 'help' has been returned. [/quote]
Eh? You don't know the money has been returned. Sounds like they've been extremely generous by giving her money to buy a house for OP to own outright.

@PyjamaFan

How is the OP sneering?

Read the post about them daring to have cleaners for the caravan (that she is using for free).

I have read that comment. It doesn't sound like sneering at all.

First thing is to take a deep breath, and wait until you have your emotional equilibrium back before you make any decisions. Selling a house is a big move and not one to be taken out of spite or anger.

Before selling, you may want to review, or have a solicitor review, all the paperwork, titles, mortgage agreements etc to find out whether or not you have 'free and clear' title with no encumbrances or 'ring-fencing' by your parents. You might be surprised at how those things can 'sneak in there' without you realizing it. 'Legalese' can be very confusing.

Also, be sure you didn't sign any kind of 'loan' papers with your parents that they told you were going to be destroyed once the purchase went through. When DH and I bought our first house my parents gave us the down, but at the time such a gift wasn't allowed (don't ask me why) so we had to draw up a loan agreement to get the mortgage, which my parents promptly destroyed as soon as the house deal closed.

You need to know 'what you'll walk away with' if you sell, meaning 100% of the sale or will you be required to pay them back their 'help'? You may choose to do so anyway, but it's best to know.

Are you at peace with causing what may be a huge rift with your parents if you sell, especially if you decide to keep all the proceeds? Not saying it should stop you or that you shouldn't keep the money, just that you need to decide what you feel about it 'wrecking' your relationship with your parents and possibly other members of the family.

Holidays with very young children are always a bit shit. Add in useless parents, a caravan and a health condition it was probably really shit.

Did you ask them directly to help or did they just fail to offer? if they just didn't offer, give them another chance by asking directly for exactly what you need. It maybe they didn't want to cross the boundary without you directly asking?

Also don't sell the property just now. You'll end up in some almighty row that will sap your energy and leave you feeling worse.

I’m confused what your housing arrangements are now too?

@phishy Eh? You don't know the money has been returned. Sounds like they've been extremely generous by giving her money to buy a house for OP to own outright.

And you don't know that it hasn't or how "generous" they have been, for all we know the help could have been with speaking to the previous owners about selling it to their daughter. All we do know is from the OP is that she owns it 100%.

The issue her is your ‘D’H first and foremost, why is most of the childcare and housework down to you, especially at weekends? You need to have a long, hard think about this especially as you are ill.

The house, sell it or don’t, its yours, nothing to fall out over but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. —sell it and ditch the manchild—

Did you ask your parents to help? They sound very selfish and uncaring. How dare they critisize your parenting! Don’t go away with them again.

@Abbreviatethisplease
"How patronising. People do actually plan to have 3 under 5 you know!"

Have as many as you both decide, just don't expect physical help from people who've done their time and are aging.
I've made it clear to my DD that if she has another then she's doing it all until 18 months old. I've provided childcare from birth for her other two, but now I'm done with babies. Unless you've agreed TTC with your parents, don't expect help with newborns.

@Handy123, were they positive when you announced your last pregnancy? They shouldn't criticise you or your parenting, unless you are making life more difficult for yourself and expecting their help. They do help, they gave you a deposit and give you free holidays. Now you and your DH need to work out what you need and how it can be achieved. You've decided your family size and he has all weekend to give you a break. Likewise he can do housework of a evening like others have to.

@thecognoscenti

They bought you a house and hosted you on holiday. I know it's not the support you want, but it's a hell of a lot more than many of us get, and they didn't make you have three children. Did you actually ask one of them to hold the baby whilst you showered?

I must admit I thought this too. Assuming the holiday was free. Not sure how old your parents are or how able to ‘help’? My parents would have struggled to do much with children that young. They pretty much sit down with a cup of tea and expect us to entertain them.

How much did they give you towards the house? I know you said it’s 100% yours but could you afford to repay their stake? Might avoid the massive fallout you mention.

Also they can spend their money on what they want to and if that's a cleaner, then so be it.

@Mosaic123

Sell it and move away.

Remember the caravan holiday when they are old and need help.

This.

In spades.

Sell the house. Move somewhere really cheap. Use the money to divorce a husband who thinks cooking dinner and helping a bit at weekends is enough and the rest to pay for help.

YANBU

Sell the house and please do something nice for yourself.

Jeez I have a six month old and I'm struggling, I think you're amazing with three. They should have been kinder, I'm sorry they weren't

@SunshineCake

Sell the house. Move somewhere really cheap. Use the money to divorce a husband who thinks cooking dinner and helping a bit at weekends is enough and the rest to pay for help.

Lol yeah tbf OP your husband deffos needs to do more

Your parents do not necessarily have your best interests at heart. I second looking up Stately Homes thread on Relationships - I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg

@Mosaic123

Sell it and move away.

Remember the caravan holiday when they are old and need help.

Little harsh, getting old isn’t a choice. Choosing to have three very young children close together is.

Sell the house if you don’t want it, repay them the money and buy somewhere else.

Don’t take the free holidays though if you’re going to moan they don’t come with free childcare on top. If you need more support your DH should be doing it not others.

Why should she be appreciative for them buying her a house when they used it to control her ?