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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well I'll just sell the effing house then now.

158 replies

Handy123 · 25/08/2021 14:05

I've got three children and no support. They are 9 months, 3 and 5. I have Hashimoto's disease which I have struggled to control recently.

Husband works full time and so all childcare/cleaning etc falls to me. He does cook in the evenings which I'm grateful for and help a little at weekends.

I've just got back from two days spent at my parents' caravan in the South West. DH working so couldn't come too. I had been overwhelmed before I got there to be honest (3 hours' drive away with the baby still breastfed). I had been really hoping for a bit of support, a chance for a break perhaps even.

Anyway, my parents (who have both retired and spend most of the summer on their caravan) just didn't offer to help at all. In fact, they just criticised my parenting most of the time. The usual 'rod for my own back' comments about my toddler being very attached to me and how I should be smacking my children.

I cried most of the way home (cut the holiday short in fact) as I'm so frustrated that they didn't help. I did not expect them to have any of the children during the day, but the fact I couldn't even have a shower whilst they held the baby, shows how they just didn't seem to care.

Back story: they 'helped' us to buy a house next door to them years ago. 'Helped' because they wanted it really and to control me by having me next door to them. There's been a huge amount of emotional manipulation about it ever since and we moved out 2 years ago. I want to sell it (its 100% owned by me), but out of some weird misplaced loyalty, I've only rented it out. They dreamily think that 'one day' I might want to live there again. I won't.

Anyway, I feel like they've showed their true colours recently and I think if they are going to be like that with me, I might as well sell it and be happy, putting that part of my life behind me. It could result in a huge family fallout.

AIBU - Yes - stop being petty over a few days' holiday blip
AIBU - No - sod it and sell up for closure

OP posts:
Original poster
Handy123 · 25/08/2021 15:25

@Abbreviatethisplease You are right: I am going into this situation emotionally atm rather than financially.

It would certainly be a hell of a shock to my parents.

If I sell, I would put some into child ISAs, some into my new business.

It's a large property, so the rental yield is low. It's one of those situations where the money could be invested much more wisely for a better overall income. It's a listed old cottage - wonderful for a tenant, but a nightmare for a landlord with the various issues old houses have. It's much more costly to maintain than ppl might realise.

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 25/08/2021 15:27

Sell up and use the money to get some help in. Get a cleaner, mother’s help, more childcare. Whatever you need to make your life easier.

Do it and don’t look back

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 25/08/2021 15:27

As PPs say, sell the house when it's the right time.

That decision is separate to any other issues about whether or not they met your needs in other ways.

CaveMum · 25/08/2021 15:27

Another one here who suspects The Plan they're counting on is you moving back in next door to care for them in their old age. Selling up now will firmly put a marker down for them that you are not prepared to do this.

Be kind to yourself: you're in that horrible foggy phase of life with small children (I'm just coming out the other side of it with mine now 4 and 7) and keep repeating the MN Mantra - This too shall pass.

Jerseygirl12 · 25/08/2021 15:28

You could use some of the profit to improve your quality of life such as nursery hours or get a cleaner. Or pay for any treatments or therapies that would help you.

Piffle11 · 25/08/2021 15:32

Sell!

Original poster
Handy123 · 25/08/2021 15:36

I've been holding out on getting a cleaner for so long.

One of the things that really got me thinking was that my parents have a cleaner for their caravan. Yes, you did read that right. I only found out on this trip. But maybe now I should consider it. Of course I would receive criticism for that, too.

OP posts:
BlackIsQueen · 25/08/2021 15:41

Might it help to start lessening their emotional impact on you? They don't have your best interests at heart, so you need to act in yours and your kids best always, because you can't trust them to. Drop the rope with your parents and start to detach. Easier said than done but once you've done it in your head you can then start making your decisions from a much better place.

CaveMum · 25/08/2021 15:43

@Handy123

I've been holding out on getting a cleaner for so long.

One of the things that really got me thinking was that my parents have a cleaner for their caravan. Yes, you did read that right. I only found out on this trip. But maybe now I should consider it. Of course I would receive criticism for that, too.

Why would they need to know you have a cleaner? Don't give them any ammunition to attack you with.
Ourlady · 25/08/2021 15:44

Just get rid of the house and all the emotional baggage that comes with it.
Your parents sound bloody awful!!

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/08/2021 15:45

If you got a cleaner you wouldn’t have to tell them.

They didn’t mention it to you straightaway by the sound of it.

MintMatchmaker · 25/08/2021 15:47

I think you should sell the house then you should give them the money. Then they have no hold over you.

LH1987 · 25/08/2021 15:47

Life is way too short sell if want to!

Though if you like the house, keep it, you don’t have to deal with them even next door if you don’t want to.

NoNever · 25/08/2021 15:52

I voted YABU because making a financial decision based on emotions and anger towards your parents is unreasonable. You’re not wrong for your feelings, but selling a house because of it is. Make the decision to sell or not sell based on financial reasons - this could really affect your future.

Chloemol · 25/08/2021 15:55

Once you have calmed down I would look into selling

Refund them their deposit if you want, use the rest to get help for yourself

emilylily · 25/08/2021 15:56

That sounds absolutely exhausting!

I would have a think over a period of a month about whether or not to sell the house. It's a big decision and you might change your mind over time even though obviously selling does make a lot of sense.

You also need to talk to your DH about his lack of availability and help. Is all of the time that he is 'working' definitely work and not after work trips to the pub or something?

Melroses · 25/08/2021 15:57

Where do you live now? Do you own another house, or are you renting?

I would sell and buy another house where you live tbh.

LannieDuck · 25/08/2021 15:58

It's not the point of your thread, but as a side-note:

Husband works full time and so all childcare/cleaning etc falls to me. He does cook in the evenings which I'm grateful for and help a little at weekends.

That should be "...and does half of any childcare and housework at the weekends."

LannieDuck · 25/08/2021 15:59

@Handy123

I've been holding out on getting a cleaner for so long.

One of the things that really got me thinking was that my parents have a cleaner for their caravan. Yes, you did read that right. I only found out on this trip. But maybe now I should consider it. Of course I would receive criticism for that, too.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner. It makes such a difference.
Wheresmybiscuit3 · 25/08/2021 15:59

Get the cleaner!

PyjamaFan · 25/08/2021 15:59

Do whatever is right for you and your family.

If that means selling the house then absolutely, you should sell it.

Mamamamasaurus · 25/08/2021 16:00

Sell the house. Fuck the parents (or go LC at the very least). Hire a cleaner.

EL8888 · 25/08/2021 16:00

Another vote for the cleaner! It’s worth every penny

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 25/08/2021 16:01

Have a think about selling the house. Don’t do it when you are emotionally charged.

That being said I would probably sell it and reinvest somewhere else

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/08/2021 16:01

Sell it, cut yourself free not only from the house but the criticism from your parents. Stop telling them things, stop involving them in your life, I am sure you will feel better once you do that. If you still feel the need to have them in your life I would look into FOG -Fear, Obligation and Guilt and how to free yourself from it.

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