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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well I'll just sell the effing house then now.

158 replies

Handy123 · 25/08/2021 14:05

I've got three children and no support. They are 9 months, 3 and 5. I have Hashimoto's disease which I have struggled to control recently.

Husband works full time and so all childcare/cleaning etc falls to me. He does cook in the evenings which I'm grateful for and help a little at weekends.

I've just got back from two days spent at my parents' caravan in the South West. DH working so couldn't come too. I had been overwhelmed before I got there to be honest (3 hours' drive away with the baby still breastfed). I had been really hoping for a bit of support, a chance for a break perhaps even.

Anyway, my parents (who have both retired and spend most of the summer on their caravan) just didn't offer to help at all. In fact, they just criticised my parenting most of the time. The usual 'rod for my own back' comments about my toddler being very attached to me and how I should be smacking my children.

I cried most of the way home (cut the holiday short in fact) as I'm so frustrated that they didn't help. I did not expect them to have any of the children during the day, but the fact I couldn't even have a shower whilst they held the baby, shows how they just didn't seem to care.

Back story: they 'helped' us to buy a house next door to them years ago. 'Helped' because they wanted it really and to control me by having me next door to them. There's been a huge amount of emotional manipulation about it ever since and we moved out 2 years ago. I want to sell it (its 100% owned by me), but out of some weird misplaced loyalty, I've only rented it out. They dreamily think that 'one day' I might want to live there again. I won't.

Anyway, I feel like they've showed their true colours recently and I think if they are going to be like that with me, I might as well sell it and be happy, putting that part of my life behind me. It could result in a huge family fallout.

AIBU - Yes - stop being petty over a few days' holiday blip
AIBU - No - sod it and sell up for closure

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 25/08/2021 16:02

When you have chronic fatigue, the worst thing you can do is run around on empty. You need more help.
If you haven’t got one, get a dishwasher, like yesterday. Don’t take no for an answer. Complete waste of energy washing dishes.
Get a cleaner.
Get some childcare, at least a couple of afternoons a week.
See you endocrinologist and ask to try out Novothyrol, I’ve found it real game changer.
If you can’t afford these things sell the house. Invest in yourself for the long term, not just your children.

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2021 16:10

@Handy123

I've been holding out on getting a cleaner for so long.

One of the things that really got me thinking was that my parents have a cleaner for their caravan. Yes, you did read that right. I only found out on this trip. But maybe now I should consider it. Of course I would receive criticism for that, too.

Why even mention it? They don’t live near you, and it’s completely unremarkable. Get a cleaner! You have 3 young children - grab some help.
3scape · 25/08/2021 16:12

Sorry the getaway wasn't x. Flowers sell the bugger

yourestandingonmyneck · 25/08/2021 16:14

Do whatever makes financial sense regarding the house. Don't sell it to spite them.

If it provides a good rental yield, keep it.

If selling is the only way you can repay the lump sum they gave you to buy it, just start paying them a monthly amount back from the rental income?

Get the money paid back and they won't have any hold over you.

A weekend like that with 3 kids and no support does sound hell. You have my sympathy.

yourestandingonmyneck · 25/08/2021 16:16

[quote Handy123]@Abbreviatethisplease You are right: I am going into this situation emotionally atm rather than financially.

It would certainly be a hell of a shock to my parents.

If I sell, I would put some into child ISAs, some into my new business.

It's a large property, so the rental yield is low. It's one of those situations where the money could be invested much more wisely for a better overall income. It's a listed old cottage - wonderful for a tenant, but a nightmare for a landlord with the various issues old houses have. It's much more costly to maintain than ppl might realise.[/quote]
In that case, sell.

Put the money to better use.

Applesonthelawn · 25/08/2021 16:18

That sounds really exhausting for you and I feel for you. Definitely no need to feel guilty about anything at all. Do whatever makes your life and the lives of your children a little more comfortable.

phishy · 25/08/2021 16:18

[quote Handy123]@Abbreviatethisplease You are right: I am going into this situation emotionally atm rather than financially.

It would certainly be a hell of a shock to my parents.

If I sell, I would put some into child ISAs, some into my new business.

It's a large property, so the rental yield is low. It's one of those situations where the money could be invested much more wisely for a better overall income. It's a listed old cottage - wonderful for a tenant, but a nightmare for a landlord with the various issues old houses have. It's much more costly to maintain than ppl might realise.[/quote]
OP, you’ve not said what you plan to do with the money they gave you for the house?

stepupandbecounted · 25/08/2021 16:19

You are sad and upset understandably, and nothing hurts as much as realising that your parents are not that invested and do not seem to care as much as you hoped they would. I can feel your pain, and understand how tired and exhausted you are, I would urge caution about making any big decisions until you in a position to make a good and sound decision based on logic and not overheated emotion. What would benefit you in the long term? Are they controlling you? Or are you able to detach from that and continue to rent?

Personally I would sell up and hire a nanny to help for the next two years. and buy in some support. It is so tiring with young kids and a newborn. For the next holiday, I would take the nanny and go somewhere with a spa and have a real holiday. A wet week in a caravan with two selfish boomers does not sound fun.

NewlyGranny · 25/08/2021 16:20

The whole point of a multi-generational family holiday is to tip the adult:child ratio in your favour!

I cannot understand how DGPs can sit back and watch you struggle, offering nothing but negative criticism. They must have hearts of stone. So sorry. 💐

Mankini · 25/08/2021 16:21

Old rented cottages are hell to maintain as an owner - a proper money pit.

Sell it and use the money to buy a robot wash and vac machine / hire a cleaner and part time nanny to help with the house and children.

Dentistlakes · 25/08/2021 16:24

Absolutely sell the house.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2021 16:25

YANBU to want to get rid of the house. But I wouldn’t make a knee jerk reaction. You should do what is best for your family financially. And financially money invested is best.

If you decide to buy another rental, you’ll be in for and extra 3% stamp duty. Do ensure that you leave yourselves with a good float of cash if you go down that route. Your current tenants are paying, I presume. There are tenants out there, who are unable to pay due to the pandemic. But there are definitely are others taking advantage of the rule changes / court backlogs and using the system.

I also have chronic fatigue. I regularly run out of energy. It took my mother a really really long time to understand just how ill I am. Is this the same with your parents? Hashimotos is also a hidden illness.

Jerseygirl12 · 25/08/2021 16:25

How much money did they give you towards the house?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2021 16:26

Op doesn’t have to tell us what she will do with the money she was given. She should keep it. Especially as she is not a well woman.

Didactylos · 25/08/2021 16:27

How does having the house impact you - are you in rented accomodation or have you been able to buy somewhere else for you and your family to live?
I would sell it and pay them back the money invested if you have no plans to live there in future, or its not actually a good investment property for you. Its not possible to please them so you might as well do what makes most sense for you, DH and children)

Ringsender2 · 25/08/2021 16:28

@AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking

Mentally note you will sell it when your tenants leave, but don't add to your load just now by selling a house as well.

I would also let emotions calm and get your health under control. When you do sell and can say "when I was ill, with 3 children under 5..." the distance and lower level of emotion will feel much better. Reacting to them is still being under control, in a way.

I think you make a good point Alexa

@Handy123 - you definitely need a cleaner / mother's help. Can you afford that currently? with money from a house sale?

leavesthataregreen · 25/08/2021 16:31

Sell the house. You need help with DC if you have Hashimotos. You must be exhausted!

phishy · 25/08/2021 16:31

@Mummyoflittledragon

Op doesn’t have to tell us what she will do with the money she was given. She should keep it. Especially as she is not a well woman.
It doesn’t sound like OP appreciates her parents buying her a large property at all.

She’s also sneering at them for having cleaners for their caravan.

I doubt we’re getting the full story here.

Holothane · 25/08/2021 16:31

Sell it and get on with your life, go nc if you can toxic families are hell.hugs

BlackAlys · 25/08/2021 16:32

Sell.

Life gets easier as they grow older.

I don't know you from Adam OP, but I would help you out for you to have a shower for goodness sake. Your parents could have stepped up to it.

I suspect that this is the tip of an iceberg for you.

Sell. Start putting more distance between you and them.

Have a look at the Stately Home
Board on MN. It may help.

CantGetDecentNickname · 25/08/2021 16:33

I put YANBU as the house came with strings attached as did the holiday. You don't have to listen to criticism that comes with no help offered - especially from grandparents who you would normally expect to want to spend time with their grandchildren. I'd be a bit grey rock with them from now on. Someone else has mentioned FOG and getting rid of it - it will make you feel so much better if you can do this. If you do get a cleaner or childcare to help you, just don't tell them! if you decide to sell, you sell. Sounds like the house costs a lot in upkeep and you are only keeping it to please them, yet nothing does. I'd sell and invest the money elsewhere and your plans for children's ISAs and your business sound good.

I remember struggling with toddlers and wondering how my friends' houses were always so much cleaner and tidier than mine till I heard one of them say "Oh my cleaner comes on X-days" and the other said "mine comes on X-days". I then realised I was missing something important here and did get a cleaner for a few hours a week for a while. Obviously they could only do certain things in that time, but it was so nice to come home from work to a clean, tidy, fresh-smelling living room.

stepupandbecounted · 25/08/2021 16:33

Address the self care element in your life first. Get some proper support in place, and once that is done you can think about other elements to improve your life. Your dc deserve a mother that is well (I say this as someone with something similar, and my bad days are horrendous) so please look after yourself, you have nowhere near enough help in place, which is not helping with the feelings of resentment. I can't imagine letting my children struggle with such an illness and my grandchildren, I could not bear to stand by and not help and do what I could to ease things for her, so I can see why you are so hurt. It will matter less once you start looking yourself, trust me.

The house is kind of irrelevant to the bigger problems you have.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 25/08/2021 16:38

Handy. Have you got fool-proof contraception? I reckon that's priority number 1 in this situation. The rest comes after.

Missreginafalange · 25/08/2021 16:38

@phishy It doesn’t sound like OP appreciates her parents buying her a large property at all.

She’s also sneering at them for having cleaners for their caravan.

I doubt we’re getting the full story here.

That's because they didn't buy her a large property, OP has already said the property is owned 100% by her further up, so sounds like any 'help' has been returned.

Whatifitallgoesright · 25/08/2021 16:41

I imagine you might feel like you need to tell them about any decisions re the house which would be a bad idea as they appear to think you're still a child and they are the adults. Not the reality anymore. You don't need to get any permission from them. Pay them back then you are clear.