To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

Weird how so many people comment on the parents on only children allegedly not teaching their children how to share and be kind, but their own mothers didn’t teach them empathy and how not to be judgemental twats. 🤷‍♀️

@spittycup I think you are being very naive, might be the case with your sibling, but many siblings fall out and never meet again, or if they do it is acrimoniously. Siblings can come and go, just like friends

@spittycup

If you know how to make friends properly then they don’t come and go. They stick around. I think there is a huge divide on MN between ppl who have and know how to make friends and those who don’t and as such rely on siblings.

Never the same. If I fell out with my brother there would always be forgiveness no matter what because I only have one brother/he only had one sister. Not the same with friends.

We have the same life experience and it's irreplaceable and always worth salvaging. That's just the truth for most family

Not that friends literally come and go and I knew someone would take it the wrong way.

Yes I find a sibling relationship more forgiving and honest than friendship. We can be really blunt with each other without offence being taken. If one of us wears something which looks awful, we can just tell each other and not be offended. We can call each other up to rant about our husbands and kids without even asking how the other one is and we don't take offence. In a friendship though, you have to be much more careful what you say.

My husband is an only child, of not doting parents. He’s completely well rounded, has has the same best friends since he was 9, and they are part of a bigger group. He’s far more social than me, but is also happy in his own company. He’s a fantastic father to two children, adores our pets, and dealt with the death of his parents admirably. He's hard working, a great father, and does more than his share of cooking and housework.

I have brothers, and am selfish, lazy and argumentative.

Having siblings isn’t the be all and end all.

I have friends who are only children and know lots of only children. I think that the biggest myth is that they grow up to be spoilt and can't share. Emphatically untrue!

Such an unfair stereotype that only children can't share and all those with siblings magically can. How many kids with multiple siblings can't wait their turn, snatch toys from others etc? Yes, plenty! As others have said, how they are parented is the issue, not how many brothers they've got.

@toomuchlaundry mine is an only AND she has to deal with a step sibling and moving between homes!

Perhaps that’s compounded her already shit lonely life.

Perhaps it has counterbalanced it and provided the joy (and apparently, learning to share stuff) of a sibling…

Who knows? 😆

This week:

• I felt sad because I went to a trampoline park with her, and I know I’m not as good a bounce companion as another 13yo
• I mentioned to her that I’ve long been interested in fostering. She said that would be great, and when she’s 18, I should get an 8yo, because that would be cute

So - not that foster children should be treated as insta-siblings but, kind of showed she isn’t as bothered about her only status as I am! (And I’m not, massively)

@Starjammer

Also given how many posts on here are from mothers who are beaten down by parenting, I think some people would have done well to stop at one. I'd rather parent one child well than struggle with three and be knackered and short-tempered all the time.

This.

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

This is total BS! I know several only children and they are absolutely lovely. Bad behaviour is more likely down to personality or parenting rather than being an only child.

@Comedycook

Also having siblings or not affects future generations. As I had a sibling, my DC now have cousins and we are all really close and it just adds an extra dimension to their life

5 siblings combined between DH and I.

Our DS has no siblings so that's a bit of a generalisation

@spittycup

If you know how to make friends properly then they don’t come and go. They stick around. I think there is a huge divide on MN between ppl who have and know how to make friends and those who don’t and as such rely on siblings.

Never the same. If I fell out with my brother there would always be forgiveness no matter what because I only have one brother/he only had one sister. Not the same with friends.

We have the same life experience and it's irreplaceable and always worth salvaging. That's just the truth for most family

Not that friends literally come and go and I knew someone would take it the wrong way.

How do you know that it’s the truth for ‘most family’? Given the amount of threads with people going NC, people who haven’t spoken to siblings in years etc etc. Your own experiences and feelings are perfectly valid but then again so are other people’s. I’d say in Asian culture it’s probably true (because duty to family is very ingrained in the culture, even at the expense of one’s own happiness) . But not in Britain. Again I could be wrong but the point is there isn’t any evidence either way. So it’s impossible to say ‘siblings good’ full stop

Whatever your family situation is, you only ever know what you have. If you're an only child it's all you know, and vice versa. There are advantages to it and disadvantages. You might wish you had a sibling or if you have a sibling you might hate them- they might turn out to be a drug addict, a criminal, a murderer- you may fight over the inheritance, they may have married a loser who stole all their money.

There's no reason for anyone to feel guilty about having one child. They are unlikely to end up alone- they will hopefully marry and have children of their own long before you die!

@Mousetown

Weird how so many people comment on the parents on only children allegedly not teaching their children how to share and be kind, but their own mothers didn’t teach them empathy and how not to be judgemental twats. 🤷‍♀️

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

I always find it really odd that this is the stereotype. As an only child, I would say that if anything I learned to share better and at anearlier age than my peers with siblings who were always having to fight for attention, dominance, resources etc. Also, as an only, you don't have siblings to rely on to play with you, so you learn social skills likesharing and taking account of your friends' feelings early on, as otherwise you have no one to play with. Friends aren't obliged to spend time with you, unlike siblings, and can just walk away if you are a nightmare. So you learn to be a good friend and share. Not a generalisation, just one experience and some counter logic to yours.

Sounds like you just know some bad parents who have some spoiled childrenal and youve extrapolated some sort of link between that and the fact that they are onlies...

Just to add, I have a sibling but my true sibling-like relationship is actually with my cousin.

Fuck off @Fiddliestofsticks

Just to add another view - I’m not an only child but my younger sibling has very severe learning disabilities. I have now to deal with his needs alongside elderly parents as well as my own family- so you know, siblings do not always equal an easier existence.

It’s all just too individual to call 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me, 1 of 5. None of us share well - we learned, you grab and you keep it. End of.

Daughter, 1 of 1. Doesn’t even need to be asked - will offer things up. Has never had something taken away by a sibling and is very free with her possessions.

But actually there are other differences.
We didn’t have much growing up - damn right we wouldn’t give up what we had. My child - has loads, doesn’t care.

Me - brought up with, “you MUST share”, seeing it as a forced and unfair thing. My child - brought up that we own our possessions and whilst it’s nice to share, we can choose. But, if there’s something we don’t want to share, we put it away. Sharing is nice, a choice, not forced.

My German friend said she found her experience moving to the U.K. with a toddler interesting. Her personal experience was that toddler parents in U.K. would wrestle toys off their upset kids to give to any demanding child who’d taken an interest. In her German group, she said the norm was to tell the interested child, “ah, but Hans has that right now - so maybe you can have it later. How about this giraffe?”

@TheWholeJingbang

We are all valid

Love from a bossy eldest child 🙌

You are so right

As I get older I feel less valid. Nowt to do with siblings or lack of

I was an only child for a decade - I HATED it and was very maladjusted and struggled to intergrate with other kids dispite being havily socialised (sent to day care and clubs etc...).

My friends who are only children are wierd. I love them but theres zero denying they have some issue with things like sharing or not getting their own way. Of course THEY arent aware of it though and think they are acting normal like everyone else but trust me everyone else notices, without knowing you would assume they are just a bit narcassistic.

My oldest was an only child for a decade due to infertility. It was fucking awful, the world is built for 2+ child families he was often the odd one out it was horrific to watch as a parent and frustraiting too. I would have given pretty much anything to give him a sibling and I now watch my children playing together and its the greatest thing in the world.

@mam0918

I was an only child for a decade - I HATED it and was very maladjusted and struggled to intergrate with other kids dispite being havily socialised (sent to day care and clubs etc...).

My friends who are only children are wierd. I love them but theres zero denying they have some issue with things like sharing or not getting their own way. Of course THEY arent aware of it though and think they are acting normal like everyone else but trust me everyone else notices, without knowing you would assume they are just a bit narcassistic.

My oldest was an only child for a decade due to infertility. It was fucking awful, the world is built for 2+ child families he was often the odd one out it was horrific to watch as a parent and frustraiting too. I would have given pretty much anything to give him a sibling and I now watch my children playing together and its the greatest thing in the world.

There's too much here to unpick.

Yes I find a sibling relationship more forgiving and honest than friendship. We can be really blunt with each other without offence being taken. If one of us wears something which looks awful, we can just tell each other and not be offended. We can call each other up to rant about our husbands and kids without even asking how the other one is grin and we don't take offence. In a friendship though, you have to be much more careful what you say.

I do all of this with my close friends. I also have eight siblings, haven't seen any of them for years

@Whinge

My step father has been brilliant but it would have been so much easier to share the emotional and practical burden with a sibling or 2.

And how much resentment would you feel if they had buggered off and left all the care to you? Once again having siblings in no guarentee that they would help emotionally or practically in these situations, and rather than reduce the burden they could actually increase it.

That is true, but at least I would have had a fighting chance rather than no option at all.

My mums one of four, she did all care for her parents, my dad is an only child, cared for his parents and grandmother, his aunt is still alive and he and my mum now care for her as her four kids have no interest in helping out.

I’m one of two, and I’ve no idea how my brother and I will manage care.

We (DH and I) have one, and will not be relying on her for care.

A lot of DDs friends are ‘only s’ and they seem to have banded together as a great little group.

As the mother of an only child, I can honestly say that yes she is very different to her pals that have siblings but not necessarily in a negative way. Her interactions with adults are second to none and her empathy and compassion towards her peers is amazing.
She is over indulged for sure, however she has so many good traits. She can be very independant, is very very kind and has never thrown a tantrum in her life. And I mean that, we never had the terrible twos or anything like that. Her teenage years have been quite challenging I will admit and she has had some issues. And we have locked horns on more than one occasion but it is usually me trying to baby her or manage her life. Would I say it is from being an only child? Not necessarily, I'd say it is from being an only child to 2 seperated parents. She is the only child on both sides.
I see our neighbours kids next door and they fight and scream and kill each other over toys etc. Yes I guess they learn to fight their corner and it might make them more confident growing up but I think only children are way better at navigating their way through life without drama or stress or having to constantly raise their voices or argue their point. She tends to stay under the radar but stick to her guns in life.
This may be the only negative here but having an only child, I really love the peace and quiet and the way the house runs smoothly. So when people come over with their kids, I cannot wait until they leave. The noise levels and chaos just kill me.
I have 4 siblings and I am only close to 2 of them so I guess it is just different strokes for different folks and all that.