To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

@BackInBlackAgain

It is different though. I had 3 children who were close in age, they are all adults now and have left home. But as children they played together, on the playstation or with games.

When i turned 40 i had a DD, who is now 8 and she is the only child still living at home. She is lonely. She is bored at home. She has what she wants electronics wise, but it is human interaction she wants, i play with her and interact with her as much as i can but its not enough. She openly admits that she would have loved a sibling close in age to her. She is jealous of the close bond her older siblings have and how they had each other growing up (even though they fought like cat and dog most of the time).

I have a brother. Love him dearly but when I was 8 (and older) he was the last person I would have wanted to play with. My abiding childhood memory is of spending as much time as possible with my best friend, who lived nearby. We didn’t rely on our parents to organise our time together, we just got on with it. She had a sister 2 years younger and neither of us wanted her sister joining in with us either. Best friend is still a close friend, we are nearly 50 and live on different continents now.

If parents facilitate close friendships with other kids then there is no need for them to be lonely; equally a kid with a sibling can still be lonely at home.

Aging parents should organise themselves so their children dont have to deal with a mess - OP that is a truly awful statement.

Am pretty sure most parents dont intend to leave a mess but circumstances change on the spin of dice and what seemed simple becomes a mess.

I am one of three, the other two did nothing when my parents were ill and then died relatively recently. I considered it an honour to care for my parents - they had been the best and even moving one of them half way round the world to ensure they were ok after the other died was worth the hassle.

I am at peace with how I looked after my parents, my siblings wrestle with the issue of could they have done mor even now.

I hated being an only child and vowed I wouldn't inflict that on another child if I could help it.

I have a best friend who is so close to my own mum that when my friend's mum died of cancer a few years ago, my mum wrote to her just before she passed away to say not to worry about her daughter - she would look after my friend like her own daughter (and has since given her a house deposit, made provisions in her will, etc.). Only children often foster very close friendships that endure. We have been friends for more than 30 years, and I have had more support from her in that time than many people get from their siblings in a lifetime. We were always round at each other's houses as kids (although she preferred coming to mine as she had a brother!).

My close friends certainly don't come and go!

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

And I’ve met children like those you have described that have siblings 🤷‍♀️

My grandson is an only child. His parents are not together. He is the nicest and best thing in my life.
He can amuse himself as 'only's' do, but he still has lots of friends and is sociable and fun to be around.
It's got nothing to do with being an 'only'. It's how you are brought up by good parents, who do not see this as a problem or a chance to overindulge and spoil.

I’m from a large family (youngest by a few years) it was like being an only child growing up anyway. I don’t have anything in common with any of them anyway, I’m very different to them.

DH has a brother. They did nothing but fight growing up. Frankly his brother is a massive dickhead. His mother in particular tried to force a relationship between them. He’s spent years trying to get money off us and creating arguments. Now his mother has gone we don’t see him.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

And that's a sweeping generalisation that siblings would help out too. Your two kids could end up falling out and never speak again as adults, or only one will help you out in old age while the other travels the world. That may have happened too if you had a sibling, and you'd still be left with all the work, but feeling resentful that your sibling gets 50% for doing nothing.

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

My son's school report was wonderful. Not because of his academic stuff, but because they made the point that he celebrated his friends when they did well, he was very popular, polite and always not only happy to share but keen to share, well behaved, patient and fine to wait his turn.

At home he gets no said to him more often than he doesn't. I have a bit of a thing about some of his friends who its very clear never have no said to them and are simply just rude. This doesn't just apply to only children though.

Its not about being only children, its about parenting and lifestyle choices. If you've come across a lot of only children who are like this, then they could easily be about your social peers and their lifestyle rather than the number of children they have. People may pick up on it more and blame it on being an only because of stereotypes too, whereas it might be blamed on younger siblings just being immature or just siblings being siblings.

They have studied only children and sibling groups and there's nothing about being an only itself which makes only children less able to share or more attention seeking than children with siblings.

I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future.

My mother has 4 siblings. This burden still fell to her and her alone as the others did bugger all to help.

BTW I have an only child. No choice. DD is actually not bothered now. She went through a stage at 7/8 where she wanted an older sibling but now she says she’s happy being only one (teen).

Why do we feel the need to justify our parenting choices and judge others?
Bratty only children, frazzled mothers who can't cope with their multiple kids. Parenting is hard enough without this kind of bullshit.
Having kids, no matter how many you have, can be bloody hard. You are creating tiny people, individuals, with their own personality and temperament. Yes there is an element of parenting skill involved but it's also luck of the draw. How much they sleep/eat/cry, whether they have additional needs, how fiery their temper is, how social they are... you can't plan for any of that. You can't know the future.
It's not right to tar everyone with the same brush, but it's also not right to shoot someone down and say that their personal experience isn't valid.

I am one of 3. When my DM had to go into a care home, I dealt with absolutely everything from selling her property, meeting with Drs, sorting out finances etc with zero support or help from my siblings. Even now 5 years on they have only visited her a handful of times and are zero support to me. They aren’t local but still. My own DCs do not really get on, they are teenagers now and tolerate each other but certainly haven’t been playmates or friends growing up. In fact I can’t think of any time they have played nicely when younger and it hasn’t turned into an argument! It’s been more stressful managing their constant bickering and when I am with just one of them it’s so peaceful. My DH doesn’t really have a great relationship with his DSis either and we don’t live close. I’m sorry for anyone who desperately wants another DC and can’t but the idea that all siblings get along and make each other’s lives easier happier isn’t always true. And as for only children saying they are bored and wants someone to hang around with, my DD says that constantly and she has a brother!

Of course everybody can decide how many kids they want to have! But oh my God having been through the death of my father recently I would’ve hated to have to support my mum alone

Thank you OP.
I needed to hear that.
And I'm terribly sorry that I'm typical MN style, some people can't just take things at face value and appreciate that someone, like you, is trying to do some good.

Also having siblings or not affects future generations. As I had a sibling, my DC now have cousins and we are all really close and it just adds an extra dimension to their life

My DH has a brother he hasn't spoken to in years.

I'm an only and as I and my parents get older (they're in their 70s now) I am very aware that I am their primary means of support, and sometimes that thought can get a little overwhelming. But if I'd had siblings, there's no guarantee they would have been any help anyway! And it certainly didn't bother me as a child / teenager, I never longed for a sibling growing up.

We are all valid

Love from a bossy eldest child 🙌

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

What a nasty post. What you have said has more to do with bad parenting than any traits a child has by virtue of being an only.

I am one of two but my brother is severely autistic, so I may as well be an only in terms of being the only one to be able to help my aging parents and deal with other family responsibilities. In my case having a sibling didn’t/doesn’t preclude me from being lonely and often feeling a very heavy weight of responsibility.

I myself have one child conceived through IVF but have been unable to have another. I did conceive naturally a couple of years ago but had a miscarriage. Because of my fertility issues and my age it is very likely that I won’t have any more children and I’m slowly learning to make peace with that. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses - good for those who are able to expand their families and have healthy, neurotypical children but that is sadly not the case for some of us.

@Comedycook

Also having siblings or not affects future generations. As I had a sibling, my DC now have cousins and we are all really close and it just adds an extra dimension to their life

I have two siblings and we're not close and neither are our children.

I was close with my cousins as children but haven't spoken to them for 30 odd years.

There are no guarantees. And what is the benefit? Having people around that you don't really like but you have to see because you're related to them? That's my experience.

Whether onlies have a happy childhood surely depends a lot on how their parents treated them, similar to all families really. So if your parents weren’t particularly hands on or put too much pressure on you, you will blame that on being an only child rather than bad parenting.

People always seem to fixate on only children and how awful their life must be. But say for example, what about blended families, with more children being added to the mix and just expected to get on, moving between houses. There are many threads about being a step parent but very few looking at it from the child’s perspective. Are those children better off than an only?

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

What a crock of shit.

If you know how to make friends properly then they don’t come and go. They stick around. I think there is a huge divide on MN between ppl who have and know how to make friends and those who don’t and as such rely on siblings.

Never the same. If I fell out with my brother there would always be forgiveness no matter what because I only have one brother/he only had one sister. Not the same with friends.

We have the same life experience and it's irreplaceable and always worth salvaging. That's just the truth for most family

Not that friends literally come and go and I knew someone would take it the wrong way.

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

What a fucking disgraceful post

@BackInBlackAgain

It is different though. I had 3 children who were close in age, they are all adults now and have left home. But as children they played together, on the playstation or with games.

When i turned 40 i had a DD, who is now 8 and she is the only child still living at home. She is lonely. She is bored at home. She has what she wants electronics wise, but it is human interaction she wants, i play with her and interact with her as much as i can but its not enough. She openly admits that she would have loved a sibling close in age to her. She is jealous of the close bond her older siblings have and how they had each other growing up (even though they fought like cat and dog most of the time).

Your daughter’s feelings are perfectly valid. However :

1. She has seen a positive example of her older siblings having a close bond
2. She doesn’t seem to have any friends

Both of which yes, understandably make her long for siblings.
But these aren’t default conditions for everybody.
Unless someone has commissioned a statistical survey and determined that the ‘majority’ of siblings would have played together etc , or that the ‘majority’ of only children are lonely there’s no decision either or.

We are all shaped by our experiences but they will only be anecdotal evidence. They can’t be used to argue for or against the general population.