To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

I have a sibling, but I am pretty much like an only child. I am actually dreading my parents passing,not only because of the loss, but then I will need to have dealings with him and i am sure my sibling will be dishonest and try and cheat me not only out of my inheritance but also with funeral costs etc. I wish I was an only child or I had thicker skin. Just as not all siblings are awful to eachother, not all onlys are nightmares. I feel so sorry for the children of the pp who said only children are nightmares. What a shame they have such a stupid and ignorant parent. My sibling has never learnt to share, he is always out to get what belongs to others.

@Fiddliestofsticks

There are 5 only children in my youngest son's class. Guess which kids dont get as many invites to parties? Because when they walk in, the host parents just know that at least one of them is going to throw a tantrum when they dont get things they way they want.

The only times I'm ever actually fed up/tired/annoyed after a play date is when it's been one of those 5.

Maybe this changes as they get older, but they is my experience of inviting over the onlies.

I work at a nursery. The only kids we worry about from a tantrum / development perspective are siblings and even then only if they come from deprived backgrounds. Older children from deprived families tend to fall into dysfunctional parental roles more easily and often are anxious when they can’t control a situation. Younger children often get babied or raised by elder siblings and we’ve had many 3 yo start who don’t even know how to feed themselves, or worse won’t eat unless another child feeds them.

Only children, by comparison tend to be brilliant as they get a lot of positive attention and they tend to have older, or wealthier parents, who are more receptive to support the nursery if we identify problem areas.

@Comedycook

It stings to hear people write my kind generous, gentle little soul of a boy off, and tell me his future will be hideous

You are being ridiculous. No one, literally no one, thinks that.

I just think that if you had a straight choice between no siblings and siblings, the latter is better. Just as if you had a straight choice between being given a million quid or not being given a million quid, it would be better to have it

But you do think that. Not in the hyperbolic way of a ‘hideous future’ but that siblings are better. Why? A million quid is clearly better but a sibling isn’t necessarily. Only if they get on. So it’s a false equivalence. Unless someone has done a statistical survey it’s impossible to know whether the ‘majority’ of siblings add value to a child’s life so you can’t say.

My DP for some reason insists on not having an only child. Although he always complains about how stupid and irritating his only sibling is, never talks to them when apart, argues every time he sees them and never goes home although he lives less than an hour away. He doesn’t even want to go home for Christmas!

So apart from maybe having someone else to make decisions about his parents when old (which no doubt will probably be painful as they will both argue anyway) I really don’t see the value of siblings here?

Yet people say ‘only children are spoilt’ when I’ve never anecdotally or otherwise seen a correlation between behaviour and family size. If anything only children have more opportunities simply because of the money available. I got to study abroad at an elite academic institution - would have been impossible if I had a sibling.

@Icecreamsoda99

Honest question, for all those saying how stressful and lonely it is to deal with aging parents do you not have supportive partners? Maybe I just feel that way as my brother is very emotionally distant and my DH treats my parents like they were his own.

Women always turn into only children when care related matters are involved. Then it’s back to the sibling role when the inheritance becomes available.

@Dogoodfeelgood

I loved being an only child up until late 30s when parents started having issues - at this point it would be good to have support dealing with them. HOWEVER it would also have been detrimental to my entire childhood to have had a sibling, so on balance I’m still glad I’m an only.

Why would it have been detrimental?

I loved growing up with a sibling. Even little things like having tea and watching TV together, or having someone on holiday to muck around with on the beach.

I’m always bemused when people speak as if your only companions in middle age will be your siblings, so only children will be miserable and alone. As someone’s just said, what about partners and friends?

For what it’s worth, my (now adult) child is very happy not to have siblings. From a very early age, I enrolled them in lots of activities so they had opportunities to learn about sharing and taking turns and all those things that only children supposedly cannot do. And my own sibling has done very little to help my aged parent, so in my case (as in so many others) the notion that siblings band together is a myth.

OP - Years ago, there was a very supportive tea room thread in the One Child Family topic, which someone tried to revive a little while ago. Worth a look?

@Icecreamsoda99

I just think that if you had a straight choice between no siblings and siblings, the latter is better. Just as if you had a straight choice between being given a million quid or not being given a million quid, it would be better to have it

But it's not a straight choice! Even being given a million quid is potentially rife with issues, look at the lottery winners who go off the rails, or family resentment about money and inheritance.

We need to stop stereotyping family life and let people make the decisions that are best for their unit.

My sibling died in his 20s but I'm still glad I had a sibling growing up. We weren't even close enough in age to play together.

I ended up and only child at 16 basically, but I'm still god I had someone to share my life with. It's wasn't the same relationship as having friends and it's unique

You can say lots of things in life might not work out like a job, marriage or whatever. Best not to do any of them in case the worst happens? Most people get along with their siblings and love them.

Nobody should feel bad for not providing a sibling though, can't stress that enough

@AnAutumnAfternoon

I have a sibling, but I am pretty much like an only child. I am actually dreading my parents passing,not only because of the loss, but then I will need to have dealings with him and i am sure my sibling will be dishonest and try and cheat me not only out of my inheritance but also with funeral costs etc. I wish I was an only child or I had thicker skin. Just as not all siblings are awful to eachother, not all onlys are nightmares. I feel so sorry for the children of the pp who said only children are nightmares. What a shame they have such a stupid and ignorant parent. My sibling has never learnt to share, he is always out to get what belongs to others.

Say it louder for the people in the back!

DH and DD are both "onlies", and very happy with that. I was one of four, and that was fine too.

End of life care: thanks for the reminder - we'll be making sure that we have enough provision to make it as easy for DD as possible - we'll try to avoid being a burden. As others have said, the burden often falls on one of the offspring anyway, and there's sometimes a lot of tensions between siblings at that point (how many threads have you seen on here...?). With families often very widely flung, elderly people can often only live within range of one of their offspring. At least the decision of which will be easier.

Characteristics of only children: I'm sure there are some that are spoilt, but PLEASE don't make those generalisations, because it's very unfair on those who are not. I think the biggest thing we've noticed is that DD used to be very easily upset by the sort of insults siblings fling at each other all the time - she took them much more seriously than they were intended, just because she wasn't used to them. Apart from that, if anyone had criticised her social skills whilst at primary, and tried to put it down to her being an only, I would have had to point out that I was very similar, and one of four, so it was probably just hereditary.

I do wish my DM had kept her opinions on only children to herself. When weighing up whether to have a second, I eventually realised that the biggest reason I wanted a second was her strong opinions on onlies. To be fair, she didn't voice those opinions at any point after we were expecting our first, but that was little use - I could remember what she'd said in the past. So remember, when you say things you wouldn't say in front of parents of an only child, that saying them in front of people close to you who may be future parents could be just as hurtful.

I have been fascinated that DD's friendship groups have had a high proportion of onlies - in primary they were all onlies or significantly older siblings. Some of that may have been differences in how they related to people, as they were all used to more adult-dominated conversation at home. However they were also all similarly bright, and had lots in common other than being onlies - their mums also had lots in common.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

But there's no guarantee a sibling would help you with your parents!

I have a brother. I've not seen him for years and all we do is exchange birthday and christmas cards. We had nothing in common as children, always did our own things, etc. Basically once we were teens, we grew apart very quickly. I had to deal with my parents' illnesses and deaths, and ultimately deal with probate and selling their house once they died. Brother did bugger all except take his share of the inheritance.

We've never argued or had major disagreements. We've just got nothing in common, live very different lives, etc.

@Comedycook

It stings to hear people write my kind generous, gentle little soul of a boy off, and tell me his future will be hideous

You are being ridiculous. No one, literally no one, thinks that.

I just think that if you had a straight choice between no siblings and siblings, the latter is better. Just as if you had a straight choice between being given a million quid or not being given a million quid, it would be better to have it

But lots of only children, myself included, wouldn't have chosen the latter. Because I'm extremely happy as an only child and I have no way of knowing how another sibling would have altered that. It might have made my childhood even better. But there's absolutely no guarantee of it. What it definitely would have done is made an already small flat more crowded, an already tight budget more strained and given my mother, who served as an emotional crutch to her own many siblings, yet another person to be responsible for. They'd have to be pretty damn great to offset that. A million pounds on the other hand...

@TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty

I’m always bemused when people speak as if your only companions in middle age will be your siblings, so only children will be miserable and alone. As someone’s just said, what about partners and friends?

For what it’s worth, my (now adult) child is very happy not to have siblings. From a very early age, I enrolled them in lots of activities so they had opportunities to learn about sharing and taking turns and all those things that only children supposedly cannot do. And my own sibling has done very little to help my aged parent, so in my case (as in so many others) the notion that siblings band together is a myth.

OP - Years ago, there was a very supportive tea room thread in the One Child Family topic, which someone tried to revive a little while ago. Worth a look?

Yes, very true. My great-grandfather was an only child (he was the only one of 12 children who lived past 1 which was rare even back in the late 1800s) and apparently nobody ever realised because he was so close to his cousins and friends and their families that everyone including his kids assumed they were brothers.

He himself had nearly 20 children across three wives (my grandfather was the youngest) but when push came to shove none of those siblings supported my DGD and he was basically left to raise himself at the age of 14 when his parents died. Apparently that was considered normal back then (late 1920s) for younger sons - so this idea that older siblings will support younger ones is probably a new idea.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

That is also a sweeping generalisation that if you had a sibling they'd be equally involved

My elder sister is useless and always was. When we were at uni, she lived at home with mum and went to a local one and I was away living in halls.

Mum needed a minor operation and couldn't be left alone after. I had to come home from my university to be there for her as my sister fucked off with her boyfriend. She didn't give a shit and in adulthood nothing has changed.

I swear the resentment of having another sibling who does nothing for an elderly parent deliberately is probably worse than it just being you with no other choice.

It is different though. I had 3 children who were close in age, they are all adults now and have left home. But as children they played together, on the playstation or with games.

When i turned 40 i had a DD, who is now 8 and she is the only child still living at home. She is lonely. She is bored at home. She has what she wants electronics wise, but it is human interaction she wants, i play with her and interact with her as much as i can but its not enough. She openly admits that she would have loved a sibling close in age to her. She is jealous of the close bond her older siblings have and how they had each other growing up (even though they fought like cat and dog most of the time).

I am an only.
It annoys me when people express 'surprise' that I am an only because I am 'so sociable'. You actually learn to be sociable as an only, if you want company.

I was never lonely as a child but had great parents who gave me lots of time. I have loads of friends but am very good at keeping my own company.

The only thing which I sometimes put down to being an only is a low tolerance of noise and chaos. I have a messy DH and two noisy teens - sometimes I have to go upstairs and be on my own with a book for an hour and leave them to it.

I had to care for both my parents as they got older. Their house was a short walk from me so I took on the burden (to the delight of Social Services) which did become a lot when my lovely dad died suddenly leaving my mum who had bad dementia by then. There were many times during her dementia dark days that i wished I had siblings to share the load BUT, selfishly, during her illness and when she died, I didn't have to consult/argue with anyone about her wellbeing/care plan/funeral/will or any of the other family stuff that siblings often fall out over. I could just go ahead and do what I thought was best.

Swings and roundabouts.

I’m always bemused when people speak as if your only companions in middle age will be your siblings, so only children will be miserable and alone. As someone’s just said, what about partners and friends?

Your parents will very likely die before you. Your friends haven't lived the same upbringing and life you have, they don't know the nuances. When your parents die, they'll wipe your tears, but they aren't emotionally invested, same as a partner likely isn't

Having said that, having other extended family is very useful for only children. Cousins and aunts and uncles. Most only children are happy and well adjusted but why does everyone act like siblings are just like friends who come and go?

I thought you were going to say parents of an only child are soft and not really experiencing the “real” world of parenting!

I often dream of how much easier my life would be if I’d stopped at one! I would never change and there so no regret but I think parents of only children are tier one, the easiest level

PLEASE TAKE THIS AS THE JOKE IT IS*
Although it absolutely has rings of truth about it.

In terms of siblings, I grew up with some and both are a nightmare and we have no relationships between us. So I am essentially an only child anyway.

This is so common. You can be an only child through circumstance as much as by birth.

Our DS is an "only" child. That wasn't planned that way, it's just the way it turned out. But he's not "spoilt" nor lonely. He is very well grounded, is pretty much self sufficient, and has no shortage of friends.

When he went to Uni, we were really worried about how he'd look after himself, whether he'd be lonely etc. In reality, he adapted a lot better than his flat mates who all had siblings and really struggled with independence, looking after themselves, being lonely etc. He was the "grown up" in his flat despite being the same age, and with the covid restrictions and lack of Uni support for covid, he ended up supporting some of his flatmates who were struggling with the isolation, lack of social activities, etc. Funny how, in theory, he should have been the one struggling due to being a "selfish" only child, but in reality, it was the others with siblings who struggled to cope with real life!

I agree.We have an only due to pnd and ptsd.I feel guilty all the time that he's an only but I know its the right decision for our family.

I was an only child, but had a much older half sister at university by the time I was conscious of her. I always wanted siblings. By my middle 20's I knew so many big families who I'd grown up with, who had virtually no contact with each other. The women had to break off from brothers, who thought that they could dictate their sex lives (1980/90's). Then I worked in care and realised that lots of children didn't equal help. When one half of the siblings go into denial about medical needs, it's a nightmare for the others. It's like it's better to be a LP than live with a useless/do nothing partner. Having brothers doesn't mean DIY help around the house etc, as I'd imagined. More children are going to nursery than ever, people who have onlys and no other children close in age in the family usually make more of an effort to do playdates and classes. So only children have 'no' said to them and learn to share.

I always think having an only child must put more pressure on a parent to be present. So for example, after school, I make my dc their dinner and they eat together. I get on with chores while they're eating. DH and I eat once they're in bed. If I had an only child, I'd feel awful if they say alone to eat, so I'd sit or eat with them. Similarly on holiday, dh and I could sit and have a drink and chill while they hung out together.

I will say though I don't have any negative feelings towards only children as people. There's plenty of spoilt brattish kids with siblings!

@spittycup

I’m always bemused when people speak as if your only companions in middle age will be your siblings, so only children will be miserable and alone. As someone’s just said, what about partners and friends?

Your parents will very likely die before you. Your friends haven't lived the same upbringing and life you have, they don't know the nuances. When your parents die, they'll wipe your tears, but they aren't emotionally invested, same as a partner likely isn't

Having said that, having other extended family is very useful for only children. Cousins and aunts and uncles. Most only children are happy and well adjusted but why does everyone act like siblings are just like friends who come and go?

If you know how to make friends properly then they don’t come and go. They stick around. I think there is a huge divide on MN between ppl who have and know how to make friends and those who don’t and as such rely on siblings.

Also, I am the eldest of 4. I had the worst upbringing as I was the oldest girl in a part Romany and part Punjabi family (so worst of both worlds) and my siblings still can’t understand how that fucked me up. Their upbringing was so, so different but I have friends who can understand as they grew up in similarly fucked up situations.

*sat alone

I am one of three, approx a year between us all. My older brother is selfish, un-caring and looks out for his gains only. My younger brother is special needs. I had to do everything with regards to my grandparents and parents deaths....it was hugely stressful yes but there was no one else. Do I have a chip on my shoulder about it all, no, because I loved my family, it was what it was. You can't choose your child's trait/personality, it is what it is. My younger brother now lives with me and my family. I have one child, planned, new from the get-go we only wanted one. He is 18 now and he is sweet and considerate and I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.

My mum has 6 siblings, when her parents were ill she was the only one who looked after them. When they died there was no emotional support; just arguments and stress.