To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

Obviously as a child I believed what mum and dad were saying

Polkadots2021
I totally agree, and thank you for your kind words.

@LBirch02

Marni83 a role model wouldn’t have been able to stop what was happening at home, no.

The reason the role model would have to be an only child is because in m childhood ‘only child’ was the main component of my low self esteem. Both my mum and Dad - but my mum mainly used to insinuate I was spoilt and overpriveleged and it turned me into a people pleaser to compensate. I was the only only child in my peer group

The more I read your posts The more baffled I am that you started this thread

@HoldingTheDoor

It's very personal - personally I would never deliberately decide I was "one and done" - that's making a huge decision for my child that could effect the rest of their life -

"Giving" them a sibling is also making a huge decision for their child that could affect them for the rest of their life.

How on earth do people not see what you’ve said?

Marni83 the point is objectively speaking this negative narrative about only children is false and a good role model who was an only child would’ve helped in this regard

Reading your earlier post I’m glad you have your siblings to confide in re your tricky childhood - this must help a lot

@HoldingTheDoor

It's very personal - personally I would never deliberately decide I was "one and done" - that's making a huge decision for my child that could effect the rest of their life -

"Giving" them a sibling is also making a huge decision for their child that could affect them for the rest of their life.

Just a bit, especially if the sibling then has additional needs and you "decide" that the first child can look after them when you're dead and gone...

but even without additional needs the impact on the first child is huge. Ditto on both children if you have a third and so on.

@LBirch02

Marni83 the point is objectively speaking this negative narrative about only children is false and a good role model who was an only child would’ve helped in this regard

Reading your earlier post I’m glad you have your siblings to confide in re your tricky childhood - this must help a lot

I am just baffled that you started a thread and spoke so definitively about children not needing siblings etc

When you admit that you felt very alone as a child and would have chosen to have one given the chance.

It’s fine to say that some only children are absolutely fine being an only child. Of course that’s true.
However some, you included, would have loved.

Likewise, some with siblings are absolutely fine with siblings. Some aren’t.

So your thread could have done with a reword from such a definitive generalisation to something more nuanced.

Ultimately what this thread shows is that everyone is different but people should be a lot less judgmental. I know I am judgey about big families because of the environmental impacts (and the fact that it seems to require them to drive an SUV) but I would never tell anyone their child was horrible because they either did or didn't have siblings and I find some of the comments on here insane.

And I can't find the red hair thread but disliking people with red hair is even more insane.

What on earth is wrong with people?

Thank you, I’m made to feel constantly guilty at having only one child, unfortunately due to a medical condition I cannot have any more - I don’t want to explain why I only have one child every time someone goes on about it, I am devastated that I cannot have a brother or sister for my daughter but she is happy, has loads of friends who constantly are around as they say I’m their second Mum and they feel at home. Some people just don’t realise that there is no choice for some only child families and that the parents aren’t being selfish. For anyone who says you’re being unreasonable - you are not and they should think about the loss that people like me feel every time some unkind person looks down their nose and says “oh, you only have one child” in that smug tone of voice. Your words mean a lot to me, thank you again and lots of love & happiness to you! You have helped me today. X

Marni83 Fair enough. Yes I admit I wanted siblings as a child. But as I say the cause of my personal unhappiness- my parent’s emotional immaturity. I think an only child growing up with open minded emotionally immature parents would do great. But also. I don’t think children need that much 1-1 - in fact they get to an age where they actively dint want parental
attention so sibling/large families can be great also

don’t want *

I am one and very much done. We don't have the space of finances for more. It worked out for the best as my DS (nearly 4) has SEN and would have hated having a sibling! Crying especially is a trigger for him.
He has 2 cousins that he is close to but he couldn't do it full time. He is quite hard work so I would eirther be an ok Mum to one or a crap mother of 2!

Crystal8559 thank you - that’s really good to know! I don’t get why people make such daft, smug comments anyway - why can’t people be more open minded?

I am an only child, and obviously my experience isn't the same as everyone else's. But my childhood felt quite lonely having no siblings. My mum and dad worked a lot, having their own businesses, and so I played alone at home. I did go out and play with friends, and my mum let me have friends over. But I would have loved a sibling to play with, to talk to and even now as an adult, to share memories with. I think it is important as parents of only children, to spend extra time with them, playing games and taking them out. I don't recall my parents ever taking me to a park. I always wanted a large family due to my experience, but I decided to leave it at 2 (for financial reasons).

I actually really needed to see this today. My DS is an only child and he’s 2. I’m not physically, mentally or financially ready to change that yet but hopefully will one day have more children.

But someone made the comment of ‘an only child is a lonely child’ today and I cried.
Its a horrid, nasty insensitive comment to make especially as some are medically unable to carry any children. But it hit a nerve and made me angry and sad.

This reassurance is what I needed. Thank you OP.

@MoonlightMedicine

I am an only. Both my parents have died in the past few years, and I had to go through it all by myself: the grief, the care and the aftermath (clearing house, selling house etc.). Guess what? It was bloody hard, but I am fine and frankly, having seen friends with siblings falling out over possessions, who did the most etc. etc. it was actually good to be in sole control of the situations and decision-making process.

I loved being an only child growing up, too. I made lots of close friends and had a vibrant inner world. I have 2 children now and often feel bad that they don't have the experience I had!

So hear hear OP.

I love this ❤️

I am one of two siblings. It has been very difficult managing the care of my father as my sibling wanted to make all the decisions and then moan that they had no help. I tried but was blown off every time. I am happy to have one child and not go through all the drama of siblings. My parents always supported my sibling whatever they did so yes I was resentful as a child because they had no time foe me. My child is happy well behaved and has a vibrant social life. Yes the only downside is that they are wise beyond their years. One thing I will make sure of is that I will factor in our care when we are older and release them from compulsory caring duties. I would want my child to come see me because they want to not because I moaned and groaned and guilted them into it.

Im one of 7 children and the others all moved away so doesnt mean tbey eill help at all. I on the other hand only have one snd wish now id had more, didnt for ggod reason at the time. I only have one grandchild and really wish i had more. Also if more than one you have a better chance of getting one that doesn't change to much that you can get on with etc.

I honestly hoped that we would be past this kind of discussion - there are so many reasons why families are particular sizes, some by choice, some by circumstance.

I remember lots of judgments, opinions from others without any enquiry as to why we have one DD (because we can't have any more but I never shared that with those who felt it necessary to share an opinion that I hadn't asked for!). But equally friends who have had 3 or more got the same kind of grilling and my poor friends who have either chosen or unable to have children, well the whole world is allowed to comment on their reproductive life!

Surely it's time to let these judgments go - so many things happen to us in life that we can both positive or negatively attribute to many circumstances, but if the last few years have taught us something, then it's got to be that acceptance has to be the value we all try and treasure and practice.

I wouldn't presume to speak for anyone else's situation but know that being an only myself was one of the reasons I tried for the 3 I was so fortunate to have.

My daughter is an only child. She's told me many times she's glad she doesn't have siblings. She has four step-siblings from her father and she has never been excited about it or wanted to participate. But then, she just doesn't like children in general and didn't even when she was a child herself.

Mammma91 that’s great I’m so glad I’ve helped you in some way - I’ve had so much stick like this over the years as well

MoonlightMedicine love your post, thank you

DH can’t abide his DB! DH also does the lion’s share of helping his DParents out! Unfortunately his DParents have enabled his DB, who is spoilt and takes them for granted, so in this instance DH would have loved not having a sibling at all. One instance of there being no guarantee you’ll get on AND that you can certainly be the spoilt brat even with siblings in the house!

My situation is, I’m the only sister to two older brothers, they are close in age and their relationship. I’ve often felt like an ‘only’ even though I get in great with them. The dynamics are different though, in our case at least. Might have been different with two older sisters, who knows.

DS doesn’t have any siblings, he’s almost 15, completely grounded, enjoys his life, doesn’t even think about siblings. His cousin (in his words) hates his spoilt little sister, who knew, spoilt and a brat but with a blended sibling family!

It’s all about the individual rather than the lack of siblings!

I really don't feel there is a need for 19 pages of discussion around this.

You do what is right for you and your circumstances. If you don't want another, don't have another. For many there isn't a choice. I'm glad I have one at all, when so many struggle or can't conceive.

I have no interest at the moment in having another, if at all. I would never have another just for my DD's benefit either. Completely the wrong reason to have another.