To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

You don’t think you’d benefit from having a sibling to confide and chat through. Someone who lived through what you do?

Eh, my siblings refuse to acknowledge how abusive our upbringing was and very much took my parents side

I agree. In real life, most people I know are close to their siblings. It's only on here that I read of all these difficult, awful relationships people have with their brothers and sisters

That's not my IRL experience. I genuinely know more people who don't get along with their siblings than those who do. That doesn't mean that having a sibling is a bad thing but it's so far from a guarantee that I wouldn't base my decision to have more than one on some theoretical close relationship that may or may not happen.

Personally I love being an only and the older I get the more I appreciate it, though I've always been content.

A friend unfortunately lost one of her siblings recently. Instead of trying to support each other, three of the other four have spent most of the time arguing with each other, squabbling over her belongings and fought over the details of the funeral. There's been no support. Personally I'd much rather have to do it alone.

@MsTSwift

Anecdotally we have noticed that most couples marry their family equivalents. It’s weird. Amongst our extended family and friends almost everyone has married their equivalent in the family (am eldest married to another eldest). Happy to be proved wrong and obviously not everyone but the majority seem to be!

I am an only of sorts (with a much older half sister who never lived in the same household as I did) and married the youngest of four :)

I suppose in the past nearly everyone came from big families. But my father was the oldest surviving of six and married my mum who was the youngest of five.

I agree. In real life, most people I know are close to their siblings. It's only on here that I read of all these difficult, awful relationships people have with their brothers and sisters

A lot of people tend not to talk about it, there’s a bit of a stigma attached still to having a fraught relationship with siblings. It’s the opposite of what you’re ‘supposed’ to have in a sibling. Not to mention it being painful to discuss for many.

I think I know more people with problematic sibling relationships than people with close, healthy ones. Families are complex and the traditional two happy parents (still together), two or three kids who all get along, set up is quite rare these days. I certainly only know of three friends with that kind of family.

Anecdotally looking around me - I dont know anyone who's had a real falling out with their siblings. However, lots of people only see them a few times a year and rarely call. Yes, quite a few of my friends who have a sister close in age are indeed close and would see each other as a confidant. However, most of my friends are not all that close to their brothers - those who have a large agea gap also seem to confide more in their friends and partners than their siblings. Not everyone has the perfect two-age gap and a sibling of the same gender with whom they've played lots as a child.

I have three siblings. My brother is seven years older than me and lives in another country - we never talk. My sister is eight years younger than me. We see each other once a month but thats only because we live in the same city. I wouldnt really confide in her, nor she in me. We've not had a falling out, but have always seen our friends and partners as closer.

A friend unfortunately lost one of her siblings recently. Instead of trying to support each other, three of the other four have spent most of the time arguing with each other, squabbling over her belongings and fought over the details of the funeral. There's been no support. Personally I'd much rather have to do it alone.

Agreed. My DH's siblings behaved so disgustingly when their father died that there has been no contact since. I'd had little to do with them for years beforehand because it was fairly evident to me exactly what and who they were, but this wasn't the case with DH. He was genuinely surprised, shocked and hurt. I just saw two people reverting to type (one had behaved similarly when my own mother died, which was the reason for my reduced contact).

Unfortunately this kind of situation isn't uncommon, and it often takes the times of real adversity for people to show their feet of clay. But others do come through, and it's not always the people you expect.

The saying goes that you can't choose your family. I disagree: sometimes, you can.

@Bythemillpond

* I was an only child for a very long time. The pressure to be this perfect person was immense All hopes and dreams were channeled into me to be this person I just wasn’t and the loneliness was unbearable.

I’m sorry you had such a bad time, but you are making generalisations based on your own individual experience. Not all parents of only children pressurise them in this way

Unfortunately I know a few parents who have had only one child and apart from one child who was very much given any choice over what he did with his life and his parents were 100% behind anything he did all of the other children grew up with parents who funnelled them into what they wanted them to do.

Even a friend who I am very close to moved heaven and earth for her dc over the years so their dc could be in a position to study a certain subject at university. Tutors from age 4, activities, books about the subject and career and whilst her dc was very intelligent it was no shock at 18 when they turned round and said they had already applied to University to study something completely different.

My friend who is now divorced had almost a breakdown. She cried for months and ended up on antidepressants because her dc was throwing his life away.
After dc left for university she virtually cut him off.
The thing is this isn’t a one off scenario

On a lighter note I can always tell an only child when they are adults and are sitting round a dining table with family

In our family if someone has something different that has been cooked they will offer for others to try it if it is really nice. They will offer up the rest of their meal if they get full
As my only child friend who thinks this is weird behaviour says What is on my plate is mine. If you want to taste mine then go and make yourself some but you are not getting what’s on my plate even if I can’t finish it.

She fully admits she is very protective of her food and has before now sat at the dinner table with an arm around her plate if she thinks someone is going to want to sample some of her food. 😀

Yeah but look at Joey Tribbiani

@BabyLeaf

I agree. In real life, most people I know are close to their siblings. It's only on here that I read of all these difficult, awful relationships people have with their brothers and sisters

A lot of people tend not to talk about it, there’s a bit of a stigma attached still to having a fraught relationship with siblings. It’s the opposite of what you’re ‘supposed’ to have in a sibling. Not to mention it being painful to discuss for many.

I think I know more people with problematic sibling relationships than people with close, healthy ones. Families are complex and the traditional two happy parents (still together), two or three kids who all get along, set up is quite rare these days. I certainly only know of three friends with that kind of family.

During polite conversation with people you know but aren't your closest friends siblings come up in conversation. Generally speaking its not the done thing to constantly whinge about how awful your siblings are. People will downplay it. Its how people relate to you. If you have a good relationship with your siblings and talk favourably about them thats each less likely to encourage others to be frank amd honest about how shitty their siblings are. There is definitely something of a stigma and a social pressure not to reveal how dysfunctional your family is, in a lot of circles.

Its not true for all social circles, but you definitely will find people stay more tight lipped than you might expect.

Why anyone would think all sibling relationships are good or anyone would think all sibling relationships are bad is beyond me

Does anyone think all marriages are good or anything think all marriage are bad??

I have a silver relationship with my siblings.
My children are also exceptionally close.
Most people I know are close to the siblings
However one if my closest friends has a dire relationship with her brother.

Just like any relationship - for some, great. Others ok, and others dire

Marni83 yes you’re right my childhood was deeply unhappy. Yes it was awful to be all alone in that environment. However I don’t think my unhappy childhood was to do with me being an only child but rather having very emotionally immature parents. Yes a sibling or siblings may have ameliorated the effects of such a situation to a greater or lesser degree but a childhood like mine is ‘messed up’ siblings or not

I don't get these threads.

Single child families work for some.

Lots of siblings work for some.

There are so many factors to take into account that's it's impossible to generalise. Everyone's family dynamic is different. Live and let live. Accept your own choices and let others make theirs without the need to prove why yours is better.

Meh there's no guarantees of anything in either scenario. Some only children will grow up wishing they had siblings, some will grow up perfectly content. Some children with siblings will grow up close and others will grow up and barely speak to their siblings at all.

There isn't really any point stressing over the perfect way to do things for the future. There's no guarantee of anything so you do what's best for your family in the present, if that means having one child through choice or sadly not, then there is no point in stressing about things like how terribly lonely they'll be, looking after you in old age alone and so on.... you can't say that they will have had things any differently with siblings. Both come with pros and cons same with anything in life.

I couldn't have more DC, not through choice but they are unfortunately how the chips fell for me. My son is happy, chatty, friendly and healthy. That's all I can ask for. I'm not going to spend his childhood fretting about the fact I couldn't give him a sibling.

My husband has one brother. He doesn't speak to him and hasn't for years. He really dislikes him. It's sad but it's not uncommon either, my Dad is the same with all but one of his 4 siblings, my Mum on the otherhand is very close to her sister. It will work out how it works out, you can guarantee nothing and one person's experience will not necessarily lend itself to yours.

If I could have a second child it would be because we wanted one and felt able to provide for one, not because I felt some sort of obligation to "gift" my son a sibling like some sort of weird present.

@LBirch02

Marni83 yes you’re right my childhood was deeply unhappy. Yes it was awful to be all alone in that environment. However I don’t think my unhappy childhood was to do with me being an only child but rather having very emotionally immature parents. Yes a sibling or siblings may have ameliorated the effects of such a situation to a greater or lesser degree but a childhood like mine is ‘messed up’ siblings or not

I wasn’t saying that a sibling would have meant your rotten childhood was somehow not rotten. But I was asking whether you think that as a child in that awful environment, alone, don’t you think you have have chosen to have a sibling if you were given the choice? Think back to being 10?

Marni83 thinking back to being 10 yes I would’ve wanted a sibling in that situation, absolutely.

@teaandcrumpets35

I don't get these threads.

Single child families work for some.

Lots of siblings work for some.

There are so many factors to take into account that's it's impossible to generalise. Everyone's family dynamic is different. Live and let live. Accept your own choices and let others make theirs without the need to prove why yours is better.

This should be the concluding post on this thread

Given this
Do you now question why you started this thread?
In your scenario, as a child you wanted a sibling. You were alone experiencing a ghastly childhood.

Given your history
I would imagine you would fall on the side of
… I would have loved a sibling and missed out

It's very personal - personally I would never deliberately decide I was "one and done" - that's making a huge decision for my child that could effect the rest of their life - my thoughts have always been that if I decided to bring a child into the world then i should also be prepared to give them a sibling?

(That's just my opinion before anyone gets all shouty at me and it's not an illegal one to hold)

(I was faced with only having an only child due to secondary infertility and of course it's totally different if you really want to give them a sibling but can't)

My DH is effectively an only child and yes I can tell the difference but the blame for that lies squarely at the doorstep of his parents for effectively raising a little emperor

On a lighter note I can always tell an only child when they are adults and are sitting round a dining table with family. In our family if someone has something different that has been cooked they will offer for others to try it if it is really nice. They will offer up the rest of their meal if they get full. As my only child friend who thinks this is weird behaviour says What is on my plate is mine. If you want to taste mine then go and make yourself some but you are not getting what’s on my plate even if I can’t finish it. She fully admits she is very protective of her food and has before now sat at the dinner table with an arm around her plate if she thinks someone is going to want to sample some of her food 😀

I’ve found the complete opposite of this tbh. My experience is that adults who grew up in larger families, especially those that were the youngest sibling, tend to be very territorial with their food. My DH is a prime example of this. Last born in a large family, where siblings would pinch things off his plate when parents weren’t looking. He’s never keen to share food, and will only do so if under duress 😅. I’ve never noticed this trait in friends (and family members) who are only children. In fact I’d go to say completely the opposite.

As a child I wanted a sibling . As an adult I don’t necessarily want a sibling although I acknowledge that at best siblings can be great. What I wish I’d had though in my circumstances is actually a role model who was an only child.

Sorry above post was for Marni83

Sorry I don’t understand

You wanted a role model that was an only child and you think that would have helped your awful childhood? How? Surely a role model full stop may have helped. Why the need for this person to be an only child?

@LBirch02

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

That's so lovely, a thread just to make others feel good. Love it OP, and you're right. Every family can be a marvelous place to be no matter the size shape or style.

Marni83 a role model wouldn’t have been able to stop what was happening at home, no.

The reason the role model would have to be an only child is because in m childhood ‘only child’ was the main component of my low self esteem. Both my mum and Dad - but my mum mainly used to insinuate I was spoilt and overpriveleged and it turned me into a people pleaser to compensate. I was the only only child in my peer group

It's very personal - personally I would never deliberately decide I was "one and done" - that's making a huge decision for my child that could effect the rest of their life -

"Giving" them a sibling is also making a huge decision for their child that could affect them for the rest of their life.