To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

Not having siblings does make a difference to how a child is raised. A child may not need a sibling for company or as a playmate but it does affect how the child is.

I had a friend who summed it up well. No matter how hard she taught her child to share and realise she can't have everything she wants, the child knew that deep down in that family everything did revolve around her. That wont be the same for all only children, I know and there is the strains of being the only one responsible for elderly parents too.

But seeing other family members raise their only children they encounter behaviour and allow things to happen that just would not be possible with more than one child.

My god I love I wished I was an only child, I've got massive issues with by db and ds

Thank you for this. I only have one and sometimes feel guilty and that he will be lonely 🙁

Anecdotally we have noticed that most couples marry their family equivalents. It’s weird. Amongst our extended family and friends almost everyone has married their equivalent in the family (am eldest married to another eldest). Happy to be proved wrong and obviously not everyone but the majority seem to be!

Me and dh are the equivalent too

@MsTSwift

Anecdotally we have noticed that most couples marry their family equivalents. It’s weird. Amongst our extended family and friends almost everyone has married their equivalent in the family (am eldest married to another eldest). Happy to be proved wrong and obviously not everyone but the majority seem to be!

I'm an only child with all my family abroad (except parents). DH is one of five and all his family live local.

We're the complete opposite in terms of our family and our upbringings.

But seeing other family members raise their only children they encounter behaviour and allow things to happen that just would not be possible with more than one child.

Expand on this please

DH is one of five and I’m one of four.

Our siblings have brought us so, so much misery. Mine especially. One has been the cause of really serious depression, leading to self harming, time off work, as a result of my response to his behaviours over the years. All but one of his siblings are dicks.

We have an only child, that isn’t the reason we’re having one, but it certainly makes us smile when people talk about having a sibling when he gets older, how lonely he’ll be, and so forth. People who say that are so SO lucky to have had a life with supportive siblings or no siblings. It causes a world of pain to grow up with siblings who are such a detriment to your life. I’m estranged now and it’s for the best but I’ll struggle to come to terms with it for the rest of my life and have nightmares weekly about it.

According to society you’re allowed and must have two kids. Any less is selfish. Any more is selfish. Who gives a crap what others think? I have respect for anyone who recognises the number of kids they can handle and provide for and sticks with it rather than having more because it’s the done thing and the kids having a worse quality of life as a result.

We constantly get told to have another. By people who won’t be there to help when I’m poorly and can’t manage on my own (we have no support at all), who won’t offer to cover our bills, who won’t be there to hold my hand when my chronic pain is exacerbated permanently by another pregnancy. Just very dim to try pass opinion on someone’s family size.

My DD (5) has banged on about wanting a sibling for about 18 months.
She just spent the day with her cousin (2.5) and she couldn't wait to come home! 🤣
I said that's what it'll be like having a brother!! So be grateful!

According to society you’re allowed and must have two kids. Any less is selfish. Any more is selfish

17 pages in, but I think this is the nub of it. Ultimately many people are suspicious of anything that falls outside the norm. See also today’s thread on red hair and all the judgement around it.

Oh, and don’t forget that women who choose to remain child-free are selfish too!

@adoreyou

My DD (5) has banged on about wanting a sibling for about 18 months. She just spent the day with her cousin (2.5) and she couldn't wait to come home! 🤣 I said that's what it'll be like having a brother!! So be grateful!

Mine went through a phase of wanting a sibling at about the same age as yours. Later on, didn't mind at all. Was happy with us and with his friends.

I know I have said this before, not on this thread I hope, but there are times when I think it would be nice for him to have someone of his own, from his mum and dad, a sibling, when I'm no longer around. There's not much we can do about that now though and I think he has a good life.

When he was at school he had friends who were 'onlies' as well as some with siblings. They all seemed much the same.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

This! Apart from the fact that despite being an only child all attempts to have a second have failed and dc wants a sibling.

I was perfectly happy as an only child - but as an adult I'm sad that I will eventually have no family left - I don't have any close cousins etc.

It's also a worrying thought that I, alone, will have to arrange care for two households - divorced parents - neither of which are the sort of people that are particularly easy to help.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

Having a sinking wouldn't necessarily help that. Mine has emigrated as far as they possibly could so it still all falls to me.

I am an only, as a child I never knew any different and had 10 cousins nearby. As an adult I hate it. When my parents died my DH was a monumental support but his loss wasn't the same as mine. When his parents died, although I wouldn't say him and his DSis are close, they were able to share the loss in a way that brought great comfort to both., and they still have each other, so they are still part of their original family. The usual arguments of 'I don't get on with my sibling/they leave it all to me/they live abroad' are trotted out but they're pretty disingenuous; of course siblings don't come with a guarantee, in the same way that giving birth doesn't come with a guarantee of a live, healthy child and relationships or marriage don't come with a happy ever after guarantee. Nevertheless having a sibling in general can reduce the harsh loneliness of being left as the only one when parents die.

DM was effectively dealing with her DF's illness and supporting her DM alone, her DSis was slightly more involved sharpen their DM was ill, but their DB was not involved at either time except to show up for the funeral and beer afterwards.

OTOH, DF's family all rallied around and supported each other top when their DPs were older and ill.

Our family has 1 DC doing most, another doing the odd bit but being so sacrificial to do it all, others are physically away but some help with mental load/organising etc while others do nothing (ok) or obstruct what is being done by others (not ok).

We have 1 DC, and that's all we can cope with. We have FT stressful jobs, dd has some SNs that make life "interesting", and we don't have family support near us to help. So we know our limits.

We are both still involved with supporting our DPs at a remove, and do a lot physically when we do visit (none in a position of needing daily support as still relatively mobile and independent, just showing signs of age and potential need for support in future so lining up things now ahead of crises).

But we also know that we need to have our own lives sorted well as dd will not be a great support to us at that stage of life. But we have time and resources to do that planning.

@handtofold

But seeing other family members raise their only children they encounter behaviour and allow things to happen that just would not be possible with more than one child.

Expand on this please

My experience is the opposite. Having just spent a weekend with a number of families with multiple young children (2s and 3s) - I've seen so much bad behaviour completely missed or allowed to slide because the parents were so distracted by other siblings or just oblivious.

@NeverdullinHull

I am an only, as a child I never knew any different and had 10 cousins nearby. As an adult I hate it. When my parents died my DH was a monumental support but his loss wasn't the same as mine. When his parents died, although I wouldn't say him and his DSis are close, they were able to share the loss in a way that brought great comfort to both., and they still have each other, so they are still part of their original family. The usual arguments of 'I don't get on with my sibling/they leave it all to me/they live abroad' are trotted out but they're pretty disingenuous; of course siblings don't come with a guarantee, in the same way that giving birth doesn't come with a guarantee of a live, healthy child and relationships or marriage don't come with a happy ever after guarantee. Nevertheless having a sibling in general can reduce the harsh loneliness of being left as the only one when parents die.

I totally agree. My parents died young. My extended family is spread across the country and world! I'd feel so much more alone if I was an only child. Luckily I have my sister and we live close to each other. We both have DC so our kids have cousins close by. It also means we can help each other out. I'm very grateful to have a sibling. No one will ever understand your upbringing and childhood in the same way

@Comedycook thats only true if you are close. My sister and I are not emotionally close so I've never really been able to draw on emotional support from her. Over the years I've had a breakdown as has my husband, found the first year of my kid's life really hard, struggle in my relations with my parents (as does she), etc etc etc she doesnt know about any of this. So honestly I dont think that we'll be that useful for each other once our parents pass away. I wish we were but we just arent.

In fact, I would also rather that I was an only child. Having a sibling that you arent close to can be emotional more damaging that not having one at all.

I think giving a child a sibling gives them a good chance of someone to lean on and help growing up, parents dying, lifelong relationships etc...

Whereas if you have an only child, the possibility of that happening at all is 0 obviously.

I still have m 1DC though. For so many other reasons, sibling benefits aside

Hate threads like this
I’m sure heart in right place

But so sweeping, general, childish even - of the OP.

• I was an only child for a very long time. The pressure to be this perfect person was immense All hopes and dreams were channeled into me to be this person I just wasn’t and the loneliness was unbearable.

I’m sorry you had such a bad time, but you are making generalisations based on your own individual experience. Not all parents of only children pressurise them in this way

Unfortunately I know a few parents who have had only one child and apart from one child who was very much given any choice over what he did with his life and his parents were 100% behind anything he did all of the other children grew up with parents who funnelled them into what they wanted them to do.

Even a friend who I am very close to moved heaven and earth for her dc over the years so their dc could be in a position to study a certain subject at university. Tutors from age 4, activities, books about the subject and career and whilst her dc was very intelligent it was no shock at 18 when they turned round and said they had already applied to University to study something completely different.

My friend who is now divorced had almost a breakdown. She cried for months and ended up on antidepressants because her dc was throwing his life away.
After dc left for university she virtually cut him off.
The thing is this isn’t a one off scenario

On a lighter note I can always tell an only child when they are adults and are sitting round a dining table with family

In our family if someone has something different that has been cooked they will offer for others to try it if it is really nice. They will offer up the rest of their meal if they get full
As my only child friend who thinks this is weird behaviour says What is on my plate is mine. If you want to taste mine then go and make yourself some but you are not getting what’s on my plate even if I can’t finish it.

She fully admits she is very protective of her food and has before now sat at the dinner table with an arm around her plate if she thinks someone is going to want to sample some of her food. 😀

@hopetowonder

I think giving a child a sibling gives them a good chance of someone to lean on and help growing up, parents dying, lifelong relationships etc...

Whereas if you have an only child, the possibility of that happening at all is 0 obviously.

I still have m 1DC though. For so many other reasons, sibling benefits aside

I agree. In real life, most people I know are close to their siblings. It's only on here that I read of all these difficult, awful relationships people have with their brothers and sisters

Op
You were an only child
On another thread you started about how deeply unhappy your childhood was

* However I’m trying to process my unhappy childhood and adopt a policy of self care so I can get the most out of life. I feel my mum was physically and emotionally abusive - the emotional part was actually by far the major component. *

It just have been horrific to be all alone in that environment with no one with you. Like a sibling. And now to be struggling to process as an adult

You don’t think you’d benefit from having a sibling to confide and chat through. Someone who lived through what you do?

I had a tricky childhood

And chatting through with my siblings is a god send