To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

@Areyouseriousrightnow

If OP is going to come on and say you don’t need siblings to have a good time, *@Liverbird77* is entitled to express her opinion that she’d have rather taken that chance. At the end of the day, the OP is making a sweeping statement, so of course not everyone is going to share that view or experience.

No-one suggested she can't express an opinion. Just as others can express an opinion that it's not as straightforward as she believes.

Even when they are children, they are like mini-adults already, voicing their opinions, being interested in any adults conversations, asking lots of questions.

Even if this is indeed the case (and it does admittedly have an element of truth for only child DD), what’s wrong with it? Why shouldn’t children voice opinions or be interested in adult conversations? There’s an element of ‘children should be seen and not heard’ and children as ‘Other’ coming across in some of these posts.

Depressing but predictable that this thread has degenerated in the way that it has. Seems that many of the old only child stereotypes are very much alive and kicking.

FWIW (if we’re dealing in lazy stereotypes) most of my friends have multiples, and part of the reason that DP settled on just one DC is because we’d witnessed so many instances of poor, occasionally borderline feral, behaviour by their children in settings such as restaurants, cinemas, soft plays etc. Because parental attention in these settings was often so divided a lot of poor behaviour went unnoticed, and the children struggled to behave appropriately in many ‘adult’ settings, even well into their teenage years. IME it has also always been the middle children of 3 who have struggled the most with self esteem and behavioural issues.

@Areyouseriousrightnow thank you.

@entropynow I am aware that not all siblings get along and that some do not help.

I was under the impression that we could engage with posts on aibu and I did find the op's remarks do not reflect my lived experience.
I am not going to pretend that being an only child has been fine for me because it hasn't. Aside from the issues I mentioned, there were many others as I grew up that would have been assuaged by having a sibling. I felt the initial statement was very dismissive towards those of us for whom being an only child has not been and is not fine and dandy.

As I said before, I am not speaking for all people, some of whom might absolutely love it, or feel that their child's life is better as an only, or may have an only through circumstances. I am sure it must work brilliantly for some families.

Thank you L Birch.

I have an only child. I know and have known plenty of people who have one child, also two children and more.

I don't feel guilty about having one, I am grateful.

It's nobody else's business anyway and for all they know, a person may be unable to have a second child.

There are other situations which intervene too, not to do with health or fertility, making it difficult to have another child. That was how it was in my case but it all worked out for the best.

I hope your life is a good one.

@icedancerlenny

That’s very helpful for people who are unable to have a second due to health issues. Thanks for that. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Why aren't her feelings and lived experience valid?

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I've long since learned not to take MN and some of the arses who populate it seriously. But I don't mind confessing, this thread has made me feel like absolute shit.

And yes, I'm well aware no one can 'make' me feel this way. But it's a point on which I'm sensitive anyway having been desperate for a sibling for my child that we were unable, despite long effort and multiple miscarriages, to have.

Hope some of the PPs on this thread are proud of themselves. So much for a kind OP, posting something to try and make others feel better.

Hope the thread's allowed to stand, as it's an exemplar of those who are well-meaning and just shows what unpleasant, judgemental prigs some people are about other people's family lives which have nothing whatsoever to do with them in the first place.

The way other families live does not affect you. And in the politest possible sense, you are cordially invited to get tae fuck with your bigoted, judgemental opinions, and then when you get there, keep right on walking.

Every single word of this. I’m so sorry for your losses and how this thread has made you feel. I had some nasty birth injuries with my first and my mental health was shot for the first 9 or so months of his life. Theoretically, I am making the ‘choice’ to stop at one. Reading this, I feel like that choice makes me some kind of child abuser. I’m aware his existence will be different, but the automatic assumption that he will turn into a self absorbed, problematic narcissist who struggles to fit into society is abhorrent.

I spend a lot of time with children and teenagers - you can definitely tell who has siblings and who doesn't

How?

I’m also really interested to know why some posters who are parents of multiples seem to have such an axe to grind when it comes to this topic. I totally get that if someone was an unhappy only child they might have a negative opinion to share about their experience, and that’s fair enough - but why are those who weren’t, and who now have more than one child themselves, so invested in the subject? Why are some people so stubbornly resistant to the idea that only children can be every bit as happy and well adjusted as those with siblings?

[quote Liverbird77]@Areyouseriousrightnow thank you.

@entropynow I am aware that not all siblings get along and that some do not help.

I was under the impression that we could engage with posts on aibu and I did find the op's remarks do not reflect my lived experience.
I am not going to pretend that being an only child has been fine for me because it hasn't. Aside from the issues I mentioned, there were many others as I grew up that would have been assuaged by having a sibling. I felt the initial statement was very dismissive towards those of us for whom being an only child has not been and is not fine and dandy.

As I said before, I am not speaking for all people, some of whom might absolutely love it, or feel that their child's life is better as an only, or may have an only through circumstances. I am sure it must work brilliantly for some families.[/quote]
Your feelings are as valid as anyone's but I'm wondering how you can know for sure that the issues you have would have been solved by having a sibling?

My mother has a brother and a sister. She hasn’t spoken to her brother for over 30 years. She’s in good terms with her sister, but her sister does virtually nothing to provide care and support to their mother (my grandmother), except for occasionally taking her out for a pub lunch and visiting once a week.

Being an only child has huge benefits. I have a younger brother and before he came along, I was the centre of my parents' universe. I was a very good student who got into a RG-uni and they were very happy with that, but my little brother turned out to be a bloody genius who went on to Cambridge/Harvard and he was/is a much easier child than I ever was so he's definitely the golden child. I love him, but I wouldn't say I'm a better person because he came along 🤷‍♀️

Oh, and my dad hasn't spoken to his brother in over 25 years after a huge family falling out

I spend a lot of time with children and teenagers - you can definitely tell who has siblings and who doesn't

Really. Wow. How? What a skill!

I know three only children - now aged 18, 17 and 17 (dc of my friends)

The 18 year old is a quiet introvert but would have been a quiet introvert even with siblings - it's how he is. He's also happy in his own skin, has his head screwed on and is bright and capable.

One of the 17 year olds is outgoing and gregarious with a big circle of friends and is studying hard whilst also working hard over the summer in a hospitality role. Pretty sure he would say he hasn't missed out by being an only.

The other 17 year old is super smart but prone to anxiety - again just how she is. Not sure whether or not she would feel that siblings would have enhanced her life

As an only I sometimes wish I had a bigger, extended family with sisters and brothers - but it might be a case of the grass is always greener on the other side

I know 2 onlys well and the thing that stands out for me is how wonderfully close they are with their parents compared to me and other people in my circle.

One of them is my best friend and she the most selfless and generous person I know.

I know 2 onlys well and the thing that stands out for me is how wonderfully close they are with their parents compared to me and other people in my circle

I'm not sure being close to your parents is any more preferable to being close to siblings.

I'm not sure being close to your parents is any more preferable to being close to siblings.

Oh FGS !

@KateonSkates

I have a theory I can tell as an adult who is an only child. It's not something that happens much, but so far when I've suspected it it's been true. It's something about someone, hard to vocalise

It's hard to vocalise cos it's bullshit

And a 50% hit rate

This is quite a difficult thread to comment on, I am an only but feel uneasy justifying that I am really ok being an only. It is my experience alone and as someone who it took 7 years to have a second dc I fully understand those that feel the pain of not having a second dc. I do not know what my personality would be if I had siblings, but I am close to my parents and feel that being an only has given me opportunities but it can also be hard but I think that goes for sibling relationships too, but I do not know for sure. Being an only for me is positive, please be reassured that we grow up ok, we are not all lonely and we love and feel loved.

My daughter is 11 and an only child and always will be (not through choice). She is an absolute dream and everyday I'm proud of her. She is very kind and considerate but with a quiet confidence that I think comes from always having to walk into clubs, school etc alone. Her teachers and friends of her parents only ever have glowing things to say about her, and everytime she's at a friend's house the parents always comment on how much of a pleasure she is to have around.

In contrast I'm one of three girls and we caused havoc everywhere we went, either fighting with each other or daring each other to do stupid obnoxious things.

I do think that our parents left us to our own devices a lot since we had each other to play with but myself and DP spend a lot of quality time with DD, so she is a much better person than me, partly due to the attention and care that she gets by being an only.

I think the thing is to look at the positives with whatever situation you are in. On the one hand I have a really lovely relationship with some of my siblings and they share some of the load of dealing with my parents. However, I have a sibling that also creates more drama/stress for whole family (though lessening over time) - has needed additional help as an adult and likely in future too.

My family is also closer to some of my parents’ cousins than their siblings - go on holiday together etc. And my husband’s family has v close family friends.

So siblings CAN be lovely and CAN cause more problems. But there are also other relatives and friends who can also be just as great a help and support if you have the right relationship.

I know adults who were only children who hated it then and still hate it now.

I know adults who loved being an only child and they still love it now.

I know adults who were an only child and say that although it was great as a child, now they are an adult they feel they’ve missed out on something special.

I know adults with siblings who love each other.

I know adults with siblings who despise each other.

There are no set rules about anything.

I imagine it’s Pot Luck which category a person finds themselves in really.

@Mum21031608

I know adults who were only children who hated it then and still hate it now.

I know adults who loved being an only child and they still love it now.

I know adults who were an only child and say that although it was great as a child, now they are an adult they feel they’ve missed out on something special.

I know adults with siblings who love each other.

I know adults with siblings who despise each other.

There are no set rules about anything.

I imagine it’s Pot Luck which category a person finds themselves in really.

I think it also comes down to personality.

An introverted child might hate having siblings, whereas an extroverted one may love it.

I do find it fascinating to think though about how much of our personality traits are because we did, or didn’t have siblings, and the impact it has on our life choices and outcomes.

There was a lot of sibling rivalry between me and my sister and I think she would have made different, more positive choices with her life if I hadn’t been around.