To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

He went to nursery from 2 years old. So he spent time with other children every day and learned there. Most children don't get a sibling until they are about 2. It's not exactly a difficult thing to teach.

@BoredNotPanda

I can spot an adult only child from miles! They are self-centred (not vicious or even aware of it!) and think that everyone owes them. There is a BIG DIFFERENCE. Even when they are children, they are like mini-adults already, voicing their opinions, being interested in any adults conversations, asking lots of questions. IMO, they are very very different.

BoredNotPanda Are you actually serious???? I think that is a very unfair judgement. I know lots of people with siblings that are like that also.

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

We've always shared things with DS. So if you wants something which is ours we made a point about it not being his and sharing it. Equally we share food as a family a lot - perhaps to an unusual extent - but its always about making sure everyone has enough and everyone is happy with what they've got and you can't always have all of the thing you like best. I think this has been our best way of explaining sharing, because its so every day and normalised.

DS has never really had to fight anyone for toys. He has his own toys at home and at school, he's always been very much the one who has set about looking out for his friends because he doesn't much like the confrontation and like the attention from getting praise for sharing or congratulating his friends. He likes to look after younger friends and just generally look after other kids (he's one of the eldest in the year).

He's just grown up, to look out for others and in doing so gets reward for it. It doesn't have to be other kids as such because I think its very much starts very early and in your own home.

He would give his last rolo to me if I hadn't got one even if it was his favourite food and he'd had one. Its just the way he is and has always been.

@AzPie I'm trying to get her into a drama club next month to give her some more confidence so fingers crossed !

I think if you have an only you need to make more effort to socialise your child with other friends and other families with siblings.

But as someone with more than 1 Dc, I'd also say they fight ALL THE TIME, fight over things, who can sit on your lap, who has the best fork. Things like if so and so has new shoes I want new shoes even though my feet haven't grown. It's not all bliss and they older ones have to make compromises and the younger ones miss out on things too.

I have a theory I can tell as an adult who is an only child. It's not something that happens much, but so far when I've suspected it it's been true. It's something about someone, hard to vocalise.

I was an only and was okay with it until8 got to about 10 when the intensity of my parents’ focus on me dawned; if I was unhappy the house was unhappy! They were great parents but I wish I had a sibling.I have more than one who are great mates and always have been, and would have liked ,more.My DH has several siblings and they are close.

If you are unable to have more than one and would have liked more that is really hard to deal with but don’t let’s pretend that every only is blissfully happy with it and similarly we can’t assume every child with siblings is full of joy. By its very nature anyone who bothers to post on a subject has a view.

I think if you have an only you need to make more effort to socialise your child with other friends and other families with siblings

Another misconception. Siblings are often not the same age or have anything in common.

I needed just as much effort making to spend time with children outside of the family as just my sister was boring and she was older and boring and a bully.

Well it started out as a nice thread....

I have one dc9 and I love parenting her. It's been an absolute joy so far. I count my blessings when I see stressed parents at the school gates with multiple kids crying and hanging off their leg whilst the teacher is trying to speak to them.

My DC is so loving, polite, funny and sociable. I always thought I would have more but couldn't. It has actually turned out so well and couldn't recommend it more!. We all have a great life. Dh and I have lots of hobbies, great social lives , weekends away and plenty of willing babysitters. Its much easier getting a babysitter for 1, and when dc has sleepovers we also get a night off (we obviously reciprocate).

Dc has many many friends and always has friends over/ goes to theirs. Every parent comments on their lovely manners. Never had an issue with sharing, taking turns etc, if anything they are overly generous (we're working on it!.). Dc went to many baby groups, then more structured activities as they got older.
I especially love being able to snuggle on the sofa and watch a movie in peace. No fighting over who gets to sit next to mummy!

I am one of 6 and whilst I have a good relationship with siblings I would say my dc has a better life. I have a best friend from school who I see more than my siblings so no need to adult siblings to fill that role. Compared to my childhood, my dc has more time with parents, stronger bond, friends that can come around a lot (which they always do- they prefer my house as no crying, moaning younger siblings to contend with- their words). Dc also does a sport competitively several times a week. I don't know how this would be feasible logistically if they had siblings who had their own activities. I had to give up a sport as my parents couldn't juggle the Saturday competitions with other dc's needs. I still think about how my life could've been different if I'd followed my passion.

DC is never lonely (we talk very openly). She has cousins similar in age so has friends to go on holiday with, day trips etc.

The above is only my experience obviously, but in the end I do think that parenting style and general environment are more important factors in quality of life/ happiness etc than whether or not one has a sibling.

@ActonSquirrel my DB and I never got on, think I would have been happier as an only, and he would have been happier with a non nerdy sister who only wanted to read, whereas he hated reading! We were complete opposites so very rarely played together.

DH and his brother are different personalities, get on, but if they weren't brothers I can't imagine they would ever have been friends. BIL loved having mates round the house all the time, DH didn't

I have a theory I can tell as an adult who is an only child. It's not something that happens much, but so far when I've suspected it it's been true. It's something about someone, hard to vocalise

It's hard to vocalise cos it's bullshit

@BoredNotPanda

I can spot an adult only child from miles! They are self-centred (not vicious or even aware of it!) and think that everyone owes them. There is a BIG DIFFERENCE. Even when they are children, they are like mini-adults already, voicing their opinions, being interested in any adults conversations, asking lots of questions. IMO, they are very very different.

"Very very different" from what? Is the difference the same, whether further children make it a family of 2 kids or 8? If DC2 is born more than 6 years after DC1 and the age gap is judged as less 'normal'? If further DC are step-siblings or if DC2 in fact turns out to be twins?

Apologies for Daily Fail link but 1 child families are statistically around half of families and the percentage was/is rising (2022 given in the article): www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2896371/Honey-shrunk-kids-decade-half-families-just-one-child.html
They're not an eccentric minority (well, not just because of the eventual number in their family).

I have an only child (DC15) and only ever wanted one child.

DC is perfectly happy, well adjusted and confident being an only child. I’ve often asked them if they would have like a brother or sister and their answer is always “Good God no!”

@BoredNotPanda, are you an only?

I think not all onlies are fine with it. And there are many onlies who are fine with it. My parents are onlies and are ok with it. Although to be fair they’re not the sort to have done much soul searching about it!! I have my own only and thus far she’s ok with it. Having an only is not always a choice, don’t forget.

All families have their own dynamics. I have a couple of friends who have two children each, and they hate each other. Can’t be left alone together! I’m not going to assume that all children who have only one sibling are hate-filled monsters on the basis of these two families.

My three long term relationships have been with men from large families. The first one, well I could write a book about the damage caused by being part of a large family not sure any of them survived unscathed. The second suffered severe mental health issues as a result of being part of a large family. And the third, I witness the disparity of treatment between him and his siblings. He, and another sibling also, say because they were a large family they were self sufficient and weren’t encouraged to have friends or socialise much, which has caused them problems when older. My own only has a friend who is one of four and, whilst their younger siblings seem fine, they display some concerning behaviour. On balance, I hear more negativity from adults who were from large families, than I do from those who were onlies.

I’m sure my only will face challenges when she’s older and hopefully she’ll be able to face them as well as if she’d had one, two, three or half a dozen siblings!

Well it started out as a nice thread....

They always go this way on here and it is always those posters with multiple children that start slinging shit under the guise of "observations".

I'm one of 4 siblings. I have an only DC and I wish one day I can give him a sibling.

It's personal choice and of course no guarantee but I think I read the phrase on here... you've got to be in it to win it and its so true.

I think for me it's later on in life that has the greatest benefits in life not just the growing up together part OP.

I just think that if you had a straight choice between no siblings and siblings, the latter is better. Just as if you had a straight choice between being given a million quid or not being given a million quid, it would be better to have it - @Comedycook

I'm an only child and given the choice, I wouldn't choose to have a sibling. I had a fantastic childhood and had so many great experiences that probably wouldn't have been affordable had my parents chosen to have more children.

Having a sibling is an unknown to me - and personally, I can't see any true benefits to it.

Both my parents are one of six - their siblings all live abroad and they haven't seen each other for years. DH is one of five - we all live in the same town but the only sibling he speaks to is his older brother. He has an older sister I've never met and who he's not spoken to in twenty years, despite the fact that she lives two streets away from us

When he speaks to me about his childhood, it was full of bickering and downright bullying from his older siblings (especially from the one he no longer speaks to). It sounds utterly miserable to me.

@icedcoffees

I guess we only know what we know...my childhood was massively improves by having a sister. We had an absolutely blast together and still do!

@Jamdown123

It is sad to not have any of the other relationships though - aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, cousins. None of those possible with only children. I really value my extended family. wouldn't want to be without them, though it can eb very hard work!

This crosses my mind too!

my childhood was massively improves by having a sister. We had an absolutely blast together and still do!

But that's the thing it was massively improved by having your sister. There's no guarantee that it would have been improved had you had a different sibling, more than one sibling, a brother etc. Siblings are fantastic for some, but they can be hell for others.

[quote Comedycook]@icedcoffees

I guess we only know what we know...my childhood was massively improves by having a sister. We had an absolutely blast together and still do![/quote]
But just like me, you don't know what it would be like the other way around. I'm glad you love having a sibling though :)

Personally I had a great childhood - but I've also discovered (as an adult) that I'm autistic and I suspect a sibling would have made things very difficult for me. Not that my parents knew that at the time, though!

Not to disparage anyone's choice or lack of option but I do think the OP's statement that there is no difference between only children and siblings isn't correct.

I spend a lot of time with children and teenagers - you can definitely tell who has siblings and who doesn't.

I have siblings but they were much older when I was born - moved out older. So I kind of grew up as an only child.

I've long since learned not to take MN and some of the arses who populate it seriously. But I don't mind confessing, this thread has made me feel like absolute shit.

And yes, I'm well aware no one can 'make' me feel this way. But it's a point on which I'm sensitive anyway having been desperate for a sibling for my child that we were unable, despite long effort and multiple miscarriages, to have.

Hope some of the PPs on this thread are proud of themselves. So much for a kind OP, posting something to try and make others feel better.

Hope the thread's allowed to stand, as it's an exemplar of those who are well-meaning and just shows what unpleasant, judgemental prigs some people are about other people's family lives which have nothing whatsoever to do with them in the first place.

The way other families live does not affect you. And in the politest possible sense, you are cordially invited to get tae fuck with your bigoted, judgemental opinions, and then when you get there, keep right on walking.

@Jamdown123

It is sad to not have any of the other relationships though - aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, cousins. None of those possible with only children. I really value my extended family. wouldn't want to be without them, though it can eb very hard work!

But again, that's your extended family.

Many people have miserable relationships with theirs - I mean, two of my grandparents, for example, were raging alcoholics. I've also never met most of my aunts and uncles because they have no relationship with my parents (their siblings) and therefore they have nothing to do with me.

If you have a nice, functional family that all gets along, I can 100% see the benefits of siblings, cousins etc. but millions of people don't have that. It could be argued that it's better for children to have no aunts, uncles etc. than to have ones who have nothing to do with them, or ones who actively dislike their parents etc.

I have so many distant relatives I could walk past in the street and I wouldn't have the faintest idea who they were. So for me, a big extended family has had zero benefit to my life.