To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

I had a friend who used to buy her 2 girls exactly the same presents at Christmas because they fought over stuff. They still found things to fight over.

I was an only child and it was great, though I did have lots of cousins and spent summers with them at my grandparents. My cousins also loved and helped care for my mother when I lived abroad.

My husband, however, has a brother and sister and when their hoarding, mentally ill mother was still alive, they did nothing to help and only added to our stress by arguing about and disagreeing with the things WE did to help. We were so sick of them by the time she passed away that he refused his share of her estate and left the entire house (which would have easily been worth well over 300k) to them along with responsibility for clearing it, cleaning it, and getting it ready to sell. Apparently they fell out with each other over it and took ages to finally get rid of it, and when I sneakily checked the sale price a couple of years ago it went for far, far less than it should have - I imagine they couldn't get it together to get it cleared and sold it as-is. He's not spoken to either of them in years.

So, yes, having more than one child is no guarantee of anything other than having more than one child.

Everybody is subject to prejudice but to have people not able to recognise that their thinking is prejudiced is the worrying thing!

I thought I’d have 2 or 3 children but I’m happy with one.
If I had had to deal with squabbling, making things fair and the extra cost to our finances, energy levels and Health no one would have won.
Most siblings I know as adults are just chalk and cheese and there’s never a guarantee that they’ll help elderly parents.

Oh God this thread. Goady, divisive. No one knows how family life will pan out if you're an only or one of say 3 or 4. There's no magic bullet. No guarantee of happiness or misery.

I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future

I have one sibling. And I hate it. I am consumed with stress from the lies and issues she has caused me. And because she doesnt care to do anything for our parents . I will have to do it all. Alone.

I once asked someone who was an only child, what it was like to be one and he said "I don't know any different" think that sums it up well

It means nothing. Everyone is different.

@Starjammer

Also research does not support the 'can't share, no social skills' trope or indeed really any of the myths that get trotted out on here. In fact, only children and first-born children are very similar.

Yep. Exactly

@Mistlewoeandwhine

Any of my friends who were only children were quite selfish (in mild ways). You could definitely tell that they had never had to consider anyone else. I have two kids and am lucky as they really like each other and consider each other a friend as well as a sibling. I think that’s just good luck though.

How old are your children?

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

Seriously?

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

Siblings don't always help though. It would be better to keep your house organized, clean, slightly minimalistic and have a stack of papers ready in your desk that the child knows about. Make sure that it includes the will, whatever you want for your funeral, a list containing with which banks you have accounts, which insurances you have, which things need cancelling, who needs to be informed of your death (both businesslike and personal).

@bookworm14

It’s really upsetting to know that there are so many nasty bitches out there who will prejudge my lovely, polite, kind hearted DD simply because she doesn’t have a sibling.

It's actually eye opening!

Yes, my mum has a file with all the information in it for when she dies. She has showed me where it is: it has everything: insurance policies, bank accounts, pensions, copy of her will, etc.

I've got the same in our home and update when needed as if something should ever happen to me, I don't want DH or DD in the future to struggle any more than they have to. It's a good idea for everyone to have this I think, only child or not. A lot of struggles can be avoided with preparation on the parent's behalf.

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

The same way you teach siblings surely?

I think really if someone thinks they can only parent properly with multiple children, maybe having children in general isn't a good idea? You should be able to teach manners to one child as well as 2/3/4 etc.

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

Are you joking?

Is your only child called Rapunzel?

Parents. Grandparents. Friends. Classmates. Randoms in the park. You don’t have to look for opportunities to share when you have an only child, unless you lock them in a tower? 🤣

I think lots of posters are concentrating on having an only being either positive or negative which is really unhelpful, as are anecdotes used to back up their opinion.
I have seen a pattern in difficulties only children have, and these can sometimes be seen in an older sibling too. I think the problems have increased in the last couple of decades where parents often have more disposable income and our society has become far more child centric. This hasn’t been a healthy change for only children’s view of life. It such a shame parents of only children concentrate on arguing a point and so much more useful to accept that only children do face different challenges and very often can be difficult characters for others to socialise with.

As the oldest of 3 as a young teen I was envious of my only child friend she did cool stuff with her parents and they treated her like an equal rather than being bossed about as “the children” as often happens in larger families.

@Cocomarine have you forgotten about the last 18 months? My kid is only 3 so for most of his life he has never been inside other people's houses, has only seen his grandparents through a window and been told to not come within 2 meters of another child. So actually yeah social isolation within a small family unit has been a real thing.

Plus, observing other friends with multiple kids the turn taking and sharing is constant. I have no idea how people have more than one kid at a time but kids wanting their attention seems constant. It's just not the same dynamic in our house. I am not suddenly going to snatch my kid's toys while he plays lego. He also does get a lot of undivided attention because the difference between me checking MN on my phone while he wants me to pay attention to him and say changing another kid's nappy. It's just not the same. I am also not his peer i.e. it's harder in our house to teach him about playing with peers. For example, he is not used to other kids bumping into him or showing him because this is obviously not something we'd do to him. Kids with siblings get pretty much immuned to it almost from birth. As a result he tends to react quite badly someone pushing him at the nursery when really most kids just ignore it and move on

@Ozanj they didn't have fertility issues. We've discussed it.
I feel for anyone who has any kind of issue conceiving children, whether that's their first or subsequent.
I would actually like more than the two have I but it won't be happening.

My point was that not all only children are fine about it. I felt really isolated growing up, and it intensified as I hit my teens. The op did make a generalisation that all onlys are fine. I am saying that in my experience I am not fine with it.

I am sure some people love being only children, or have a happier family with just the one child. I am not denying it. I am just saying that it is not my experience.

I know that not all families are close, but it's a chance I would take.

@wombatspoopcubes you don't have to tell me. For years I'd never have more than I could fit in my car! Now we have a bigger house, it's extremely well-organised, paperwork in colour coded files and a watertight will!

I am determined my kids won't have to deal with what's coming my way!
It has caused me severe anxiety for years, along with worrying about their health and well being.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

My mother is one of 9 and only she and one other sibling are involved in their mother's care 🙃

I did not mean to upset people with my post. I was quite upset by the op because it just goes totally against my reality.

I'll stress again that I am sure for some people, one works fine.

@Goodmorninglights

I think lots of posters are concentrating on having an only being either positive or negative which is really unhelpful, as are anecdotes used to back up their opinion. I have seen a pattern in difficulties only children have, and these can sometimes be seen in an older sibling too. I think the problems have increased in the last couple of decades where parents often have more disposable income and our society has become far more child centric. This hasn’t been a healthy change for only children’s view of life. It such a shame parents of only children concentrate on arguing a point and so much more useful to accept that only children do face different challenges and very often can be difficult characters for others to socialise with.

It's a shame that people like you are so judgemental.

@Goodmorninglights

I think lots of posters are concentrating on having an only being either positive or negative which is really unhelpful, as are anecdotes used to back up their opinion. I have seen a pattern in difficulties only children have, and these can sometimes be seen in an older sibling too. I think the problems have increased in the last couple of decades where parents often have more disposable income and our society has become far more child centric. This hasn’t been a healthy change for only children’s view of life. It such a shame parents of only children concentrate on arguing a point and so much more useful to accept that only children do face different challenges and very often can be difficult characters for others to socialise with.

The parents of only children are not arguing a point. This whole thread was supposed to be about celebrating the decision, by choice or otherwise, to have only one. It’s been mercilessly attacked with some downright disgraceful rhetoric and anecdote to by those who think only children are a problem, with zero regard for people who are, or are parents of, onlys. You literally say yourself it’s unhelpful to focus on the positives and negatives before making sweeping generalisations about how only children are a product of too generous an up brinings and are often difficult characters to deal with. Where is your balanced view then?