To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

It's all great having an only child if they are outgoing and sociable and make friends easily. My dd9 has ASD and really struggles with friendships. This holiday has been awful for her with little play dates and being very lonely with no siblings either. I've posted many times about this but seems I am in the minority sadly.

@BoredNotPanda

I can spot an adult only child from miles! They are self-centred (not vicious or even aware of it!) and think that everyone owes them. There is a BIG DIFFERENCE. Even when they are children, they are like mini-adults already, voicing their opinions, being interested in any adults conversations, asking lots of questions. IMO, they are very very different.

Actually this sounds exactly like one of DDs friends. Who isn’t an only child. I stopped her coming around as she was far too interested in me and DH and not DD.

[quote Fiddliestofsticks]@audweb

I was specially talking about the kids we've had here. Not your kid. Or do my experiences not count?

I've taught, I've been a leader with the brownies and I teach surfing. You can, very often, spot the only children. You can also fairly often spot if someone is a younger sibling/older sibling, because there are characteristics that these kids develop. And if only children have... not great parents... then learning to share, compromise and not have all the attention doesn't always happen because there is no natural buffer (a sibling) between that child and the thing they want.[/quote]
You generalised. I’m allowed to point out that your generalisation sounded unpleasant, and was in fact a strange generalisation to have as my experience with only children (friends included) that they are all lovely people who have no issue sharing or being kind.

@Guacamole001

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your siblings.

Works both ways, though. Friends may not stick with you and support you through everything the way family does. I don't particularly like my mother as a person but I love her because she's my mother. If a friend behaved like she does though, I would no longer be their friend.

@BoredNotPanda ah, but among my friends it’s me (the only child) who considers people the most. My most self-centred friends all have siblings. And my kindness and considerate ness have been remarked upon by other people. Including colleagues and my DP’s family.

Among my only children friends some are self centred and some not but there’s no obvious difference.

Humans are subject to confirmation bias. We remember only those example which fit our pre-existing prejudice. I myself am guilty of this.

And quite honestly, I’d far rather elicit a love me/hate me initial response when you first meet me, if that really is the case with only’s, than ambivalence or “she’s ok I suppose, a bit meh”.

I’m assuming this is directed at me. You perhaps missed my earlier, longer post where I explained that I’m an only child myself. So this addendum was intended as self-deprecating. What I’m recognising in these other people is myself! For either good or ill, hence the love/hate.

As I said, it’s not always the same trait or set of traits which gives it away to me. It could be confidence. It could be stubbornness. It could be the way they react to a crisis, in a good or a bad way. It could be a tiny thing, like them asking where ‘their’ pen/cup/chair/whatever is. It’s not a criticism, other than of myself!

FWIW, these people are rarely my closest or enduring friends. For friendships, I’m drawn to people quite unlike myself, because they balance me out, I suppose. The other only children tend to be the people I either butt heads with, or else fall passionately, ill-advisedly in love with! It’s not a good thing and I wish I didn’t have this internal radar because it’s rarely served me well, but it’s been like this all my life and I’m over 50, so I don’t think I’m imagining it.

@BoredNotPanda

I can spot an adult only child from miles! They are self-centred (not vicious or even aware of it!) and think that everyone owes them. There is a BIG DIFFERENCE. Even when they are children, they are like mini-adults already, voicing their opinions, being interested in any adults conversations, asking lots of questions. IMO, they are very very different.

No, you have pre concieved ideas which you use confirmation bias to 'prove' you were right and your experience is likely to reflect, at best, only a slice of the population which might not be in the slightest representative.

I find it concerning to see such prejudices, and is unable to understand the problem with anecdata, in someone who works in a school.

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

I try and use every opportunity to demonstrate those good qualities, whether that be giving a seat up on the bus for someone else, sharing toys at soft play or baby groups etc

I'm an only child and I turned out just fine, seeing the way my mum was treated by some her siblings makes me grateful I have none. My dad has siblings and most of them are just bloody daft that, again makes me grateful I don't have to deal with stuff like that.

My mum died last year and to be fair, it was easier to just deal with stuff on my own rather than having to squabble with anyone else, dad was just numb so we'd talk about stuff but I did 90% of organising everything, hassle free, it was difficult but compared to some of the horror stories you read about here alone, I preferred it.

I have 2 kids now, 7 and 2, and I think this is more difficult because they have none of the same interests and watching the eldest play on the beach the other day, did make me wish he had a sibling closer in age but that quickly subsides when I think of a friend of mine who has 4 kids, 7, 5, 3 and nearly 1, and quite frankly they are mad, squabble at every turn, takes over 2 hours to get them all to bed every night, life is not the Instagram version she shows online!!

@lollipoprainbow

It's all great having an only child if they are outgoing and sociable and make friends easily. My dd9 has ASD and really struggles with friendships. This holiday has been awful for her with little play dates and being very lonely with no siblings either. I've posted many times about this but seems I am in the minority sadly.

My DD has ASD (as do I) and she either has lots of friends and is out all of the time or she has fallen out with them all and spends her time at home alone. We started the holidays (June for us as she was year 11 so finished school super early) with her being out virtually every day, bike rides, hanging out in the town, sleepovers and we are ending it with her couped up in her room feeling like the whole world is against her (she hasn't been out in over a week). I keep reminding her that she's off to college in a few weeks and will meet lots of new people and the odds are she will make at least a couple of new friends so not to worry too much.

DD used to have an active hobby that she made lots of friends through, does your DD have any interests/hobbies that might have clubs associated with them? DD found it much easier to socialise within a structured setting (where they only had 10 minutes before/after the class to chat properly) instead of unstructured social-focused playdates (always a disaster for us). I would suggest things like dance, cheerleading, football, swimming, gymnastics etc, something quite active and focused with the odd 5 minutes here and there to chat about toys/new Disney movies or whatever is on their mind at the time.

It's lovely that you had a choice to have a second, not everybody does... For many of us miscarriages and failed IVF's are all that happened when we tried to have a second child.

This was me. And I feel constantly guilty about it.

There's a romantic ideal about what you don't have. We visualize a lovely, happy, harmonious family life but you only need to read the Christmas threads to know how far this is from a lot of people's reality.

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful, supportive sibling. My DH is in touch with neither of his: not all have good relationships into adulthood and theirs was very destructive. It's the luck of the drawer.

OP, thank you for posting these thoughtful words.

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

Playing games, taking it in turns. Playing songs on alexa at dinner time, each taking a turn.

My favourite is playing snap, I am the snap champ in this house, teaches my son that he can't have everything and it's nice to say congratulations to someone when they win even if you want to win yourself. No one likes a sore loser!

"I know 6 adults and I work in a primary school, I really think I know enough of only children to have an opinion."

I have taught thousands of secondary age children and no, only children are not different.

There are some absolutely foul and hurtful opinions being aired on this thread. If the theory is that having siblings smoothes out negative personality traits I’m not sure it worked for some of you.

So for those of you who are sure that we are going to bring up spoilt, weird, malajusted, lonely, children, what do you suggest that those of us who can't physically have another one are actually supposed to do about this situation?

To the poster who asked about ensuring an only child turns out well-balanced and can share, understand the word no etc. Well we play a lot of board games and the adults never let the child win. Simple as. She has to win on her own merits. Yes she has tantrums (as I did and DP both with siblings) if she loses but they’ve become less frequent. She also hears the word “No” frequently and is able to share toys, books etc with friends.

I think the message DD receives is that she is no more important in the house than anyone else. We all work together for the benefit of everyone and if she doesn’t pull her weight she is told immediately to rectify this.

To the teacher who says they recognise only children in the classroom, I find that interesting. I’ve had a think about the children I teach and whilst some only children are spoiled and entitled so are many others with siblings. Likewise, many of the confident, hardworking and just delightful kids are only children. I don’t think we can make sweeping statements about any child - we should take them all on their own merits.

@Weirdwonders

There are some absolutely foul and hurtful opinions being aired on this thread. If the theory is that having siblings smoothes out negative personality traits I’m not sure it worked for some of you.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 brilliantly said

Honestly, all your kids are fucked whether their onlies or multiples because you're the most judgemental fuckers I've ever read the opinions of.

@ghgEHND

to those with only children - what successful strategies have people used with their kids when it comes to sharing, taking turns and learning to think of others

At that stage, I used to intervene often at playgroups etc, to encourage my child to share toys and play “nicely”. Looking back a few years later, it occurred to me that I’d probably overcompensated and had effectively taught my child to allow themselves to be mugged for desirable toys. I wished in hindsight that I had adopted more of the German attitude mentioned upthread of “Hans is playing with that now, so how about you come back in a minute. How about this unicorn?”

On thinking of others, we’ve always been strong on “be kind”, which would include being considerate.

I work in this area and often one child deals with the elderly parent last client I saw had 3 dc 2 lived overseas her local son did everything.

I don't think learning to share comes inherently better to siblings tbh. If anything, it teaches you to hold on to what you have because it's often hard fought and can be snatched off you at any moment! In my experience, only children tend to be quite generous and gregarious precisely because they've never had to worry about having their stuff nicked off them and broken by someone else. Also only children tend to spend more time around adults, where turn taking and sharing are already established behaviours.

Well I have an only child so it is nice to hear this. During the summer holidays we have met up with some school friends. He is very sociable.

I have a brother who only speaks to me when he wants something so am very aware what siblings doesn't guarantee a best friend

@RedToothBrush (sorry can’t quote) exactly.
It’s the thinking behind anecdata that is used to justify all sorts of prejudice.
‘Only children are like this because all the ones I’ve met are.’
Similar conclusions can be formed about lesbians/ethnic minorities/what have you.

@Starjammer that is exactly my experience too!

I find the only children we know are generous to a fault and are always happy to have a pal to share with.

The children who come from sibling families can often display less than 'ideal' behaviours too if we're examining this., the 'pecking order in families can spill over into relationships outside the family :

The oldest child can be bossy and self centered - used to bossing younger siblings and engineering situations to be the most advantageous to them. My dd has crossed paths with a few 'eldest in the family' kids and had to learn that, no, they don't always get to dictate the plans.

The middle child - we've also experienced this, interestingly dd had a 2 friends over the years who were middle children who appeared starved of adult interaction. One in particular used to come to our house as past of a small group of pals after school in the primary years and instead of going up to the bedroom to play / hangout with the others, she always wanted to hang out in t he kitchen with me. Asking a million questions. In the end I used to chivvy her up the stairs. She would do the same with dh if he was at home. She so craved adult interaction. She was from a family of 5 children.

In the end we live the lives we have and it shapes us all. There is no wrong or right. Our dd is now late teens and is a delight. She is independent, funny, kind but very strong. She had confidence but is not in your face. I think (hope!) we have set her up as best we can for her life ahead and she has a lot of friends and wider family.