To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

Surely childhood experiences of siblings - or being an only child, whichever scenario - are more impacted by the parenting rather than the presence or absence of siblings? You can raise a happy, well-adjusted only child, and you can raise happy, well-adjusted siblings. It says more about the parenting if there’s issues; the number of siblings one has is not of relevance.

@BoredNotPanda

I can spot an adult only child from miles! They are self-centred (not vicious or even aware of it!) and think that everyone owes them. There is a BIG DIFFERENCE. Even when they are children, they are like mini-adults already, voicing their opinions, being interested in any adults conversations, asking lots of questions. IMO, they are very very different.

What's wrong with voicing their opinion and being interested and asking questions?

Ozanj, why are you calling me a troll? This is my opinion. I really do think they are different. I know 6 adults and I work in a primary school, I really think I know enough of only children to have an opinion.
This post was not about if it is 'bad or good' to have an only one child, but if we think if they are different.
I absolutely do not judge people or have no opinion, if they have one child, as there are different circumstances and everyone should have a choice.

@KateonSkates

My friends who are only children are wierd

Do you think that in your case @mam0918 it's a case of like attracting like ...

This

I’m an only and I have an only. Frankly I’m sick to the back teeth of sweeping generalisations, even if I wanted to there is sweet FA I can do about it so why do people feel obliged to come out with utter bollocks like the PP with “only children are self centred and think everyone owes them”? Good for you love, off you toddle with your opinion.

My dad has a sister but during the tough times when my grandparents health declined and they needed a lot of support, she lived hours away and contributed nothing so the full burden fell on him. Which, judging by a lot of the comments, should Not Have Happened as his parents were thoughtful enough to provide him with a sibling to Share The Burden.

And quite honestly, I’d far rather elicit a love me/hate me initial response when you first meet me, if that really is the case with only’s, than ambivalence or “she’s ok I suppose, a bit meh”.

Totally agree OP, if people want to have multiple kids that's up to them but I despise the social pressure and the general belief that only children are lonely and that we should "provide" them with a plaything sorry a sibling.

I had an awful pregnancy and suffered birth injuries plus I have found the early years extremely difficult so we're stopping at one. The constant questions about if/when we're having another are a little annoying and I do get tired of repeating myself but mostly I feel bad for the people who actually can't have more children and may find this line of questioning upsetting.

Anyway I think my DD would rather have more of our time and emotional and financial resources than she would a sibling. As for dealing with elderly parents alone, I know quite a few women who are left to deal with dying/senile parents alone because their brothers cba and have buggered off.

Again, I am not criticising people who have more than one or saying that the children lose out, I just think having one child will work better for my family.

I can spot an adult only child from miles! They are self-centred (not vicious or even aware of it!) and think that everyone owes them

Er what? Some of the most spoilt and narcissistic people I know have siblings.

Lol at the only-child hating posters.

Can I join in the sweeping generalisations? The worst children I ever met were 2 sets of sisters and 2 sets of brothers respectively, whose horridness was fuelled by feeling the need to compete for their parent's attention in the case of the brothers by telling tales about other children which the parents rewarded by buckets of attention (and ruining the lives of these other children by retelling these lies to the school as true fact). And in the case of the sisters, I think they just inherited the vile nature of the mother unfortunately, plus they are very close in age so once again driven by a need for attention plus extraordinary mutual competitiveness that damages anyone external who they come into contact with.

I was an only child for a very long time. The pressure to be this perfect person was immense.
All hopes and dreams were channeled into me to be this person I just wasn’t and the loneliness was unbearable.

I had the most horrendous pregnancy with my Dd but really really wanted to have another very quickly and was lucky enough to fall pregnant at first attempt
My children have the life I always wanted
No pressure on being someone they are not and a sibling that has been their to talk to and play with.
Dd doesn’t remember a time when her brother wasn’t in her life.

So is it only the only children that ask questions in your school @BoredNotPanda?

@BoredNotPanda

Ozanj, why are you calling me a troll? This is my opinion. I really do think they are different. I know 6 adults and I work in a primary school, I really think I know enough of only children to have an opinion. This post was not about if it is 'bad or good' to have an only one child, but if we think if they are different. I absolutely do not judge people or have no opinion, if they have one child, as there are different circumstances and everyone should have a choice.

I also work in a primary school, worked with Rainbows and various other childcare settings.

The current school I've been in for over 7 years. So I too have experience of children from 4-11 years.

Before I knew which children were only children, I would not be able to determine from a distance etc who was an only child and anyone who says that they can is being ridiculous and perhaps shouldn't be working with children.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@BoredNotPanda have you never met a self centred adult who isn't an only child[/quote]
I have not expressed myself clearly in my earlier response, I think. I have met few of self-centred adults, who had siblings, but the difference between them and singletons, is that only children are not mean with it: they are making decisions, which suits them best, without thinking about others. Whereas, people with siblings, if they are self-centred, KNOW that their actions will hurt others, but they still do it. Only children ADULTS do not realise they are hurting others, as they do not think about them at all.

I was an only child for a very long time. The pressure to be this perfect person was immense.
All hopes and dreams were channeled into me to be this person I just wasn’t and the loneliness was unbearable.

I’m sorry you had such a bad time, but you are making generalisations based on your own individual experience. Not all parents of only children pressurise them in this way.

DH is an only and doesn't have a lot of extended family either, he has had to sort out many funerals etc and has had to provide full-on care for one elderly relative and quite a lot of care to another elderly relative as well as elderly friends of the family. DH is an extremely caring person and would do anything for anyone, he seems to pick up elderly loners, this weekend he's taking 2 elderly people (who he met through his aunt) out for the day, he's sort of everyone's son and nobody's sibling. He did not mind being an only growing up and was keen for us to only have 1 DC (he changed his mind after DD was born), which due to PCOS we've ended up with just the one, we have tried for 13 years now but it just hasn't happened.

DD went through a phase of being desperate for a sibling but the older she's got the less bothered she is and I think now she quite enjoys having us all to herself.

I have 1 brother but what seems like never-ending cousins(I have several aunts/uncles on both sides), I have a very large extended family so it felt like I had a lot of sibling type relationships growing up as we were always around each other's houses/day trips/family holidays etc (2 cousins in particular basically lived at our house for the summer holidays).

I can honestly say I wish I had been an only, my brother was and is an absolute bastard and he made my life miserable growing up. I was so happy when he got to his moody teen years and didn't want to come on the family trips/sleepovers etc which left me free to have a nice time with my cousins. I know when the time comes he won't help much if at all when either parent needs care.

Ozanj, oh god, looks I am being fired from my job ...for having an opinion 🤣

@BoredNotPanda you seem to be criticising all onlies for having opinions

Only children are weird.

Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot all had siblings

@Jamdown123

It is sad to not have any of the other relationships though - aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, cousins. None of those possible with only children. I really value my extended family. wouldn't want to be without them, though it can eb very hard work!

That's nonsense! I am an only child and have aunts, uncles and cousins because my mum has brothers and sisters. My DS is an only child and he has an uncle and cousins because his dad has a brother! You only don't have cousins or aunts/uncles if you are an only child and both your parents are only children.

@Fiddliestofsticks yes, I have one example of sharing and there are others.

I’m not - well, don’t think I am! - defensive of having an only child because it wasn’t my choice, I don’t feel guilty, and I actually would prefer that she wasn’t.

The example you give, of compromise in family activities. I’ve often said to friends, we miss a lot of the sibling drama around that, for sure.

But my only child doesn’t just get what she wants, every time.

We’re on holiday right now - it’s a standing joke that mum has to go into local history museums. At 13, she’s had a few years of compromising on that! Takeaways - sometimes she gets to choose, sometimes one of the adults does. She does exist in a one child vacuum, either. I’ve watched her in action with friends - choosing a movie, or lunch, or a takeaway. Sure, she gets her choice more times than some of her friends. But that doesn’t mean she is also going through the learning - and brain development! - of compromise. Every single day, with her friends, she has been involved in choosing and compromising.

Frankly, she’s identical to all her friends of different family types and sizes, with her, “dunno, you choose, what do you want to do?” indecisive crap 😆

Honestly, these threads often make it sound like only children live in a total bubble! She’s been in nursery full time since 13 months. Her brain has had a LOT of compromise experience, and at home too.

@Jamdown123

It is sad to not have any of the other relationships though - aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, cousins. None of those possible with only children. I really value my extended family. wouldn't want to be without them, though it can eb very hard work!

Why is it sad?

@toomuchlaundry

I think that’s exactly what my post said?

@Lavender24

I can spot an adult only child from miles! They are self-centred (not vicious or even aware of it!) and think that everyone owes them

Er what? Some of the most spoilt and narcissistic people I know have siblings.

I know someone with diagnosed NPD.

They have 5 siblings.

@thisisnotmyllama

I forgot to add: I can almost invariably tell, when someone (adult) is an only child, once I’ve got to know them slightly (think colleagues etc). I couldn’t begin to explain how. It’s nothing specific or always the same thing which gives it away. I just KNOW, and I’m hardly ever wrong about it. It’s like I have some kind of only-child radar!

And I always either love or hate these people (or sometimes love-hate, or hate at first but then love later). It’s never neutral anyway! It’s a very weird, visceral thing.

Yes! Absolute agree with you! That's what I meant in my first post, too. They are different and I can say if someone is an only child without knowing their family situation. Children are like mini-adults and adults are self-centred, but NOT IN A VICIOUS WAY.

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your siblings.

My DS is an only and he's definitely not like a mini adult. I only wish!