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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/08/2021 07:34

The dog issue would be enough on its own.

Hope she doesn't try and come up with solutions to your reasons for saying no.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 25/08/2021 07:46

@islandhoppin

Thanks all. I just feel awful saying no.. like I say, if I needed her without a doubt she would let me stay. I feel I'm at a divergent point in my life than she is. I feel selfish saying no with no valid reason, as we have got the room here and don't use the spare rooms. But I just don't think I could hack it.
You are not being unreasonable. Please put yourself first and don't agree to this. You are not being selfish, there are lots of valid reasons for her not staying all of which you have already stated. Just be frank with her, tell her no, you can't agree with this, it would not work for either of you. Then she has time to make other arrangements. Why can't she stay with her partner?

Hand on heart, I would not want your friend staying with me either. I couldn't (wouldn't) be able to cope with her dog, her partner, his smoking, the upset to my life, the possible neighbour complaints.......

MargosKaftan · 25/08/2021 07:58

If it helps op - this isn't a reasonable request.

In normal circumstances, you would only ask if you could move in with a friend if you had tried all other options- you had no home, or it wasn't fit to live in, if you'd tried to get a private rental or you had no money for it at all.

She isn't homeless, she just for an unexplained reason, doesn't want to live in her own house until it sells. She isn't in need.

(I presume its to get the dogs out, so the house doesn't smell doggy for viewings)

Mindyourbusiness22 · 25/08/2021 08:05

I didn’t read beyond her badly behaved dog / your territorial one. She cannot come and stay because of this, tell her that, end of story.

LBirch02 · 25/08/2021 08:06

From what you’ve said NO NO OP!!

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 08:09

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages.
I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

OP posts:
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 25/08/2021 08:11

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

'Yeah sorry, still wouldn't work. Hope you find somewhere'.

MouseInCatsClaws · 25/08/2021 08:13

Be strong, Op and reply immediately. "don't worry, you'll figure something out. staying with me won't work though, like I said" You can finish with a smiley face to take the sting out of it

RampantIvy · 25/08/2021 08:15

Use ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff's response or another one to still say no.

Do not back down. I still don't understand why she can't stay where she is, or why she can't rent somewhere with her partner. She has options.

saraclara · 25/08/2021 08:16

"I'm sorry. But you know about my issues with my mental health. It just isn't possible for me to have someone else living in my home."

Sally872 · 25/08/2021 08:16

Stay strong and don't give in. You are not selfish, she has a house and other family. She has options.

ShingleBeach · 25/08/2021 08:17

OP, your friend is being outrageous.

She really has no right to expect this.

“Stay in the house until it is sold? I don’t know , xxx, but I am sure you will work something out”.

If she asks again say “look, I told you this is about my mental health” and block her.

georgeregina · 25/08/2021 08:19

I would avoid anything with the word sorry, you don't need to be sorry, but some good replies below.

yourestandingonmyneck · 25/08/2021 08:19

Instant no. And the dogs are reason enough for it.

I think the dog situation makes it pretty easy to say no to be honest. Don't stress yourself.

Teacupsandtoast · 25/08/2021 08:19

'It just doesn't work for our situation at the moment, I'm sorry but no'

Sunny4876 · 25/08/2021 08:20

I struggle with saying no too,but you have the perfect excuse. just say it wouldn't work unfortunately with the dogs together.

Blueskytoday06 · 25/08/2021 08:21

Does she have anyone else she could move in with ?

I know you feel awful but it really wouldn't work and I know she's in a bind but she'll work something out.

Blame your DP and the dog(s)

Peachy66 · 25/08/2021 08:23

Just reiterate what you have already said, followed by 'my dogs are not allowed upstairs so your dog will definitely not be going upstairs'. Please don't let her talk you around as you will end up resenting her for backing you into a corner. If you allow her & her dog to move in the dynamics of your household will change and you & your DP will start to feel like visitors in your own home, especially when her CF partner tips up for days at a time.

londonrach · 25/08/2021 08:23

Be strong op. Seen your update. "Just reply saying hope you get something sorted. ". Don't back down here

RubyGoat · 25/08/2021 08:24

Her partner & her family don’t seem to have a problem with saying no to her. It’s not your responsibility to facilitate her easier house move.

chesterelly · 25/08/2021 08:26

Reply "we'll this is a"no dogs upstairs house" so you've made it even clearer why it wouldn't work. Now if you value our friendship please don't ask again as I'm not going to change my mind"

Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 08:27

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

Be strong. Don’t let yourself get sucked in.

I’m not a dog person but even I can see that the mix of dogs wouldn’t work.

You could offer to help her look for a place to rent? Or offer to store some of her things if you want to help in other ways. Just don’t move on your origins, decision re her and the dog.

Have you asked her why she can’t stay at the house until it’s sold?

Notonthestairs · 25/08/2021 08:28

3 dogs in the house - one of which is territorial- is a recipe for disaster. She can't keep the dog permanently upstairs!

With her boyfriend staying over you are basically doubling the occupancy.

But I understand why she's panicking. Why can't she stay in the property until it's sold and then make her onwards purchase/rental so that she moves straight out in to her new place?

LoislovesStewie · 25/08/2021 08:28

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

Well, stay in her own home for starters. Do that until it's sold like the rest of us do! BTW has she given any indication of why she has to leave prior to the sale?
Mindyourbusiness22 · 25/08/2021 08:28

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

Explain again your dogs wouldn’t be okay. Apologise you aren’t able to help out at this time. Do not let her badger you into this!