Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Chunkymenrock · 25/08/2021 03:56

Her text to you was actually extremely rude and very casual sounding. Well done with your response. No need to justify your reasons.

Standrewsschool · 25/08/2021 04:02

Say No. if you need an excuse, use the dogs.

Gently point her in the direction of rented accomadation.

Her living situation is not your responsibilty.

KangarooSally · 25/08/2021 04:11

Why can she not rent a house like everybody else?

bert3400 · 25/08/2021 04:21

Well done OP. That was a great message. I'm also a pushover sometimes and hate confrontation but you have done absolutely done the right thing .

YanTanTethera123 · 25/08/2021 04:32

I’ve been a pushover in the past but no more. If necessary I will say that I’ll think about it but rarely do I say yes unless it completely suits me.
Well done OP, you’ve completely done the right thing.

gofg · 25/08/2021 05:03

No way - the dog issue would be enough of a deal breaker for me (nothing against dogs, but I wouldn't let someone with one move in with me and mine). It's too big an ask anyway, a day or two maybe, but this could go on for ages.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/08/2021 05:18

No it wouldn't work for me either. Plenty of good suggestions to help you get out of it.

readingismycardio · 25/08/2021 05:20

I can't literally see one reason why you'd say yes. They're all huge issues. Nope, nope, nopeeee

louisejxxx · 25/08/2021 05:26

Say no. You’ve given lots of reasons that would be acceptable on their own, let alone when all added together.

It would also concern me that she seems to have planned this in advance.

LoislovesStewie · 25/08/2021 05:33

I'm glad you said no. Your home is your sanctuary;anyone who was a real friend would understand that. The fact that she wants to do something odd in respect of selling isn't your problem, you have no need to feel guilty no matter what is said to you by others. I hope today is better for you, a nice calm day with no created problems from others. Now you have said no once if there is a next time it will be easier.

Saracen · 25/08/2021 05:38

Definite no. I wouldn't mention the dogs - what if she found somewhere else for them to stay? Your need for a refuge is the most important reason, but I doubt she would understand that - she is clearly a different sort of person from you.

You don't have to give a reason. If you do, she'll only try to find ways round it. I know it is really hard to just say a straight-out no, because it sounds blunt and feels awkward. I suggest the technique of going on at length about how sorry you are that it doesn't work for you. Express lots of sympathy and regret. Example:

You: Wow, what a difficult situation for you. I'm really sorry I can't help you out but it just doesn't work for us. I hope you find somewhere to stay. I know it is hard to find somewhere for just a few months.
Her: But why can't I stay at yours?
You: I would have loved to help you, but it simply isn't possible. I can see what a challenge it is for you to move under the circumstances.
Her: I can't stay in the house while it's sold. It needs total redecoration. I have nowhere else to go. You know I'd do the same for you. What's the problem?
You: Yes, that is very hard for you. I wish I could have you stay at ours, but it's just impossible. You're a great friend and I'd do anything for you, but I just can't have you to stay with us. It must be so tough having to sell the house.

You can practice in front of a mirror or with your DP if you are worried you might not be able to keep it up. It's a useful technique.

Saracen · 25/08/2021 05:40

Oops, missed your update. Well done!! That must have been hard. You've done the right thing.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/08/2021 05:54

For next time I dont want to IS a valid reason. There is no need to justify yourself.

PluggingAway · 25/08/2021 06:08

Her text is ridiculous. What an insane request to make, and in such a nonchalant message like that?!

Also, I'm gobsmacked that her partner light up in your living room. Wtf?! I used to smoke heavily, inside my own house, and I wouldn't dare to light up inside someone else's home without asking permission first. I would just assume that I would have to go outside to smoke, like any normal person.

Her partner sounds like a total wank stain, and she doesn't sound much better tbh. Don't let her make you feel guilty at all OP, you've done nothing wrong. She's the one who should be feeling guilty for her behaviour.

Might be time to start drifting from the friendship...

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2021 06:17

@thenewduchessofhastings

Wouldn't the simple solution be that she gets a joint mortgage with her partner and they use that to buy out her family member and they live in the existing house?
I would have thought so.
lottiegarbanzo · 25/08/2021 06:55

Don't try to solve her problems for her. Don't present yourself as a problem for her to solve. You can be a kind, sympathetic friend and a listening ear, without actually getting involved in the details.

Not taking her in because you value the friendship is an excellent line and a very true one.

ViaRia · 25/08/2021 06:57

It seems to me that your friend has asked this quite massive favour without actually sharing with you the reason why she is in need. You’re saying ‘I believe that x’, ‘it seems to be because y’.
With that in mind, I’m thinking that you really don’t need to justify your reasons for saying ‘no’ to her. You know that you have valid reasons for saying no, so that’s all that matters.

torchh · 25/08/2021 07:02

@TinkerPony

CF: "hey, can I come and live with you for a couple months..' OP: "No." That's it. No is a complete sentence. Now switch off it not your problem. She can stay in her own house until sold. The fact that she not even bother explain why is shady. If she need to move out she can rent elsewhere. That just horrible she try use you for free accommodation as she didn't even mention payment never mind the fact bringing the dog too that a minefield. Don't feel guilty look to her partner parents they said no way too.
Do you really speak to people like that? Just saying 'no' is really rude, needlessly
Lykia · 25/08/2021 07:03

Regardless of the dogs it's not just your house it's yours and dh's. So even if you wanted to say yes I'm sure your dh would say a resounding no.

What if there was another lockdown and you were all furloughed/working from home?

There are many, many reasons to say no. My dh adores my bf however he would never agree to let her stay indefinitely, and she doesn't have a dog.

If she tries to get you to change her mind tell her it's not just your decision to make. As you said your dh wouldn't be thrilled and neither would I if my dh had a friend to stay indefinitely.

LadyPenelope68 · 25/08/2021 07:04

You don’t have to be anxious, you just tell her no. End of.

LadyPenelope68 · 25/08/2021 07:07

@torchh
Do you really speak to people like that? Just saying 'no' is really rude, needlessly

I don’t think it is rude to phrase it as @TinkerPony has said. It’s just a no, there doesn’t have to be any excuse or reason. The OP doesn’t want her there, so it’s just no, she doesn’t have to validate her reasons.

Confusedandshaken · 25/08/2021 07:08

I'm glad you have decided to say no. The fact that even her own parents have declined proves YANBU.

RoseGoldEagle · 25/08/2021 07:20

This is such an unreasonable request from your friend! Don’t feel bad about it, feel annoyed she even asked! Glad you’ve said no, don’t even enter into any more discussions about this.

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 25/08/2021 07:23

@Newmum29

Hope she takes it well. I asked a friend to stay with her (very briefly) following a break up. She lived with her brother and had a spare room.

She said no. I was devastated as she had been struggling for money previously and I’d said she was welcome to use our spare room and rent hers out if she needed.

We’re no longer friends.

This is completely different.

It was an emergency (this isn't)
It was short term (this would be realistically at least 4 months if the house sold immediately to someone not in a chain, but more likely to be longer)
I take it your friend didn't have mental health issues.
I take it you didn't have a piss-taking boyfriend
I take it you didn't have a badly behaved dog
I take it she didn't have her own dogs who would be disrupted by your dog

You are still a CF to not accept a no answer graciously.

ejhhhhh · 25/08/2021 07:33

No, she doesn’t really need you, her supposed needs are wants not needs, she’s not homeless. As join owner she is perfectly entitled to stay in the house she owns until it is sold, the she and her partner can find somewhere on their own. She just wants to move in with her bf now, at your inconvenience. Just say no, use the dogs as an excuse if you want to.