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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
KarmaStar · 25/08/2021 08:28

Say no.stand up for your dogs welfare of you can't do it for yourself.
Don't feel guilty and don't offer explanations as she might offer solutions leaving you feeling forced to say an unhappy yes.
She will have to look elsewhere.And train her dog.
Stay strong.🐾🌈🐾

Oogachuckachopsy · 25/08/2021 08:30

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

Just say, “no, I’m sorry. is really territorial at the moment and we’re in the middle of training them both. Another dog here just won’t work. I hope you find something.”

Then just stop engaging about it. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

FartleBarfle · 25/08/2021 08:31

Yeah don't explain yourself too much in this reply, you gave her a perfectly valid reason and her reply suggesting the dog will stay upstairs (which is Something you specifically don't want) is unreasonable.

I think as a few have said before, a simple reply like "I really hope you manage to sort something that works for you." is fine. If she doesn't accept this clear boundary or falls out with you over this then she isn't worth it.

I'm not sure how old you are but suffering with anxiety myself, a lot of the triggers were caused by situations like this - having relationships and friendships where my needs and boundaries weren't valued. Once I started standing up for myself I did go through a process of losing some friends that regularly took the Mick. It was painful at the time but a decade on I have so many better friends now and my mental health is in such a consistently better place. Hearing your emotional reaction to this request worries me, but I would have been the same ten years ago. It's not the message itself but everything that goes with it, not feeling like you have control. You need to make sure you stand up for yourself now, and look to address why you want to people please and why you feel like it's your responsibility to compromise your happiness to for unreasonable people.

I hope you push back successfully and know you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You don't need a list of reasons why not, you are allowed to just say no.

LoislovesStewie · 25/08/2021 08:32

I've a feeling her house stinks of dog, and so she wants to move, clean hers and then leave your home with her dog's poo everywhere.

MagnoliaBeige · 25/08/2021 08:33

A simple, “I’m sorry but it’s a definite no, it’s just not going to work for the reasons I explained previously. I hope you get something sorted” - don’t get drawn into explaining your reasoning and don’t go into solution mode and try to find an alternative for her.

BlackShadowCat · 25/08/2021 08:33

I wouldn’t get into reasons as she will keep arguing with you. Just say something like “I’m sure you will find somewhere else. I hope you understand.”

MinnieMountain · 25/08/2021 08:33

Since you’ve already mentioned your mental health issues, I’d stick with that as a reason if she pushes. She would be massively unreasonable to ignore that.

DancesWithTortoises · 25/08/2021 08:34

Please don't back down, OP. She has a partner and a family. They are the ones to take her in.

Just reply, "Sorry, but our minds are made up. It really won't work for us. I hope or family can help you out."

Tilly18101 · 25/08/2021 08:34

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

You’re going to have to be firm, this is what people do when they don’t get the answer they want.

You don’t need to justify your answer or decision, a simple ‘I know it’s not the answer you wanted but it doesn’t work with the dogs even if they are upstairs, it would be unfair on them in this situation. I hope you can find an alternative and if I can help at all just let me know’

You are still being a friend in supporting her with a move, but you simply cannot host someone for an indefinite length and with unruly dogs.

I’ve had two people live with me and my husband over the years in our two bedroom house, one was just a mon-fri due to a job, with no pets and the other was a very dear friend who had a relationship end suddenly and had to wait 3 months for her tennant to find somewhere else from her house.

Both times I really struggled to relax in my own home, I felt like I had to host every night, I couldn’t just Chuck the washing in the corner when I couldn’t be bothered and I said to Hubby unless an absolute emergency I wouldn’t do it again, and certainly no longer than a week.

I had a friend ask to use our spare room after this, due her job and pay us as it would be 4 nights a week and I declined. As much as I love her, and wouldn’t cross paths due the job role, I need my space in my home that I pay for.

BruceAndNosh · 25/08/2021 08:34

"You have a house you can live in, or family you can ask. Moving in here is simply NOT an option.
If you value our frieindship, please don't ask again"

Lavender24 · 25/08/2021 08:36

No way in hell would I say yes to this and she's being totally unreasonable to put this on you. She'll just have to rent or sort something else out. It's not your problelm.

Window1 · 25/08/2021 08:36

I think as a few have said before, a simple reply like "I really hope you manage to sort something that works for you." is fine. If she doesn't accept this clear boundary or falls out with you over this then she isn't worth it.

This.

You're friend must have some self awareness of how much a big ask this is. You have genuinely spent time worrying about how not to upset her in your response and rather than respect your clear boundary, she has continued to push it. No. Do not let her steamroll into this situation which will turn from bad to worse. You're doing the right thing to nip it in the bud. Your friends response to you reiterating your position will speak volumes.

You sound like a lovely caring person, don't let her take advantage of that.

saraclara · 25/08/2021 08:37

I've reconsidered. Your text should be a simple "I hope you're able to sort something out"

If you're in face to face conversation with her at any point, you can mention why it wouldn't work.

If you're comfortable saying so, I'd go with something like " you really don't want to be in my home when I'm having a depressive episode or anxiety attack. And I certainly am not prepared to have witnesses to them. I need my privacy"
That's harder for her to argue with than the dog thing.

cameocat · 25/08/2021 08:38

All good advice. She is being utterly unreasonable. Stick to your guns.

supagrrrr · 25/08/2021 08:38

"I'm sorry, it's just not going to work. I really hope you sort something out. Catch up soon.xx"

They're very rude for the way they asked in the first place and their reply makes it so much worse.

RubyFowler · 25/08/2021 08:39

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

Just say she'll have to stay in her house until it sells. That's what most people do, it shouldn't be a big problem.

Is the house in a bad state or something?

swanswallow · 25/08/2021 08:39

I see your update, OP. I wouldn't discuss it further, as she will continue to offer 'solutions' to whatever you say.

I think a quick, 'I'm really sorry that we can't help. Hope you get something sorted' is best and repeat!

LawnFever · 25/08/2021 08:42

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

I wouldn’t discuss this any further, it was a ridiculous and unreasonable ask from her in the first place.

There’s no reason she needs to go anywhere before the house is sold.

Thehop · 25/08/2021 08:43

“Oh god dogs upstairs is another point I hadn’t thought of. Definitely a no from us. Come on, don’t let’s fall out, I’ll help you look at rentals? Maybe an air b&b?”

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 25/08/2021 08:43

Firstly stop saying sorry, you've nothing to be sorry about. Just reiterate what you said in your message and if she keeps pushing she's no friend.

"It's not just because of the dogs, I told you my mental health isn't great at the moment, it's still a no so please stop asking as it is stressing me out".

Thehop · 25/08/2021 08:44

Or

“Please don’t keep asking, I don’t want this to cause a fall out”

georgeregina · 25/08/2021 08:45

@Thehop

Or

“Please don’t keep asking, I don’t want this to cause a fall out”

I like this
Lottapianos · 25/08/2021 08:45

My god, she's a right cheeky mare! As others have said, reply with something firm that has no details, like 'it just won't work for us. You'll find a solution'. Do NOT be drawn in to explaining or justifying anything.

If it helps, I had a cheeky fucker friend assume that he would be staying with me indefinitely when he moved to my town a few years back. I got a text saying 'still ok for me to stay with you?'. He had never asked me in the first place! Like you, I felt bad (why?!) but replied along the lines of saying that I wouldn't work for us and we needed our space. It was an hour or two of feeling uncomfortable followed by MONTHS of relief that I hadn't been a pushover. Stand firm

RookieRoo · 25/08/2021 08:49

"But dogs aren't allowed upstairs in this house maybe try your parents or stay home whilst you sell? Sorry I can't be more help and good luck!"

Why does she think her dog would be allowed somewhere in your home that your dogs aren't allowed? That baffles me?! (And I'm someone who lets dogs roam free btw)

dudsville · 25/08/2021 08:49

This is why you never give reasons OP, it opens up debate. Just say you "feel awful but it's a no". Nothing more, honestly it opens up debate and you will have her living with you at the end of it.