Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

@Islandhoppin
Text back
"LOL, No, definitely wouldn't work for us.
Don't mind helping you look for something if you like though.

Well done saying no. You said that she would do this for you but you also said that her family are the kind of people who regularly use other people's things. You also said that her family didn't want her to stay with them because of her badly-trained dog and would be happy to push her onto you. Do they actually reciprocate when people do things for them? i.e. Do they really do things or share their things with others, do BIG favors for others, or is it more that they SEEM very gregarious and are always offering to share but somehow never follow through?

At the very least, it may be that they are people with porous boundaries who easily become enmeshed with others. Enmeshment might seem very nice and friendly ("you can always count on us for a place to stay") but in practice I think it can be unhealthy. It's wonderful to be/have someone who can help out in an emergency, but needing somewhere to stay for a few months because she wants to sell her house for the best possible price is not an emergency (I'm guessing she's been asked to move out because the dog will mess up the house and make it difficult to sell at her asking price; also, why didn't she properly train her dog?). That is an inappropriately large "ask" and thus a crossing of boundaries.

I know unfortunately what her family are like. Lovely as they all are, they will be pushing her onto us because we have the room. They are very often like this. In the nicest way (I don't know how else to word it) they do like to use peoples 'things' (holiday homes, cars, discounts etc) when available. They won't see an issue in pushing her onto us.

The word you are looking for is freeloaders

Don’t do it. I’ve done this three times and the friendship has never lasted. I should have learned my lesson after the first time. A week to help between properties is one thing but a few months is an imposition.

I could understand you feeling guilty if she's being made homeless and is completely desperate, but in this situation? - absolutely not. Why on earth would you feel guilty? No normal person would agree to this, for even one of the many valid reasons you list.

Really, there's no need to feel anxious about it, it's not going to happen. You just say it's not possible. End of story.

Sorry I hadn't seen your update. Well done, your text was spot on.

Wouldn't the simple solution be that she gets a joint mortgage with her partner and they use that to buy out her family member and they live in the existing house?

Has she responded 😳

She could send the dog to get trained while she sells the house. That would solve the main problem and it would be much easier for her to find a share.

Or the boyfriend can help her rent something but he's in his 40s living with his mum so I don't see that happening either. He'll be rubbing his hands together in glee waiting to get his hands on her money from the house sale.

Oops should have read to the end.

Well done OP on telling her no!

You've done the right thing! That anxiety you felt as soon as she asked was all the reason you need. Let us know what she responds.

No way should you agree to this, OP. The smoking partner would be it for me, an absolute no no. And as a previous poster said, the dogs are a v good excuse.

Please don't agree to this.

If she is as good a friend as you think she is, she will understand.

You won't be friends for long if she moves in with you

Haven't RTFY but gather you've said no.

We did once have a friend to stay for about six weeks, and were happy to, but she had no dogs, no smelly boyfriend and was in the process of buying a flat. If the situation had been as you describe, I would have said no. The dog issue, the disrespectful smoking issue, your MH - nope, nope and nope again.

@islandhoppin

The exact text was 'hey, can I come and live with you for a couple months..'

Oh, that's easy.

"No"

hey, can I come and live with you for a couple months

^

How dare she put you in this predicament? Like she's texting asking you to get her some milk or something whilst you're at the shop?

Cheeky fucker extraordinaire.

She could just continue to live in the house that she lives until she has sold it or rent another house just like every other grown up?

I'd rather not have friends than have one who would ask this of me. Unless it were a life and death situation with no other viable alternatives, it's an extraordinarily cheeky request. Glad you decided to say no.

But I just don't think I could hack it.

That is a perfectly valid reason

Just say that for reasons that you can't discuss this won't be possible. If pressed continue repeating that you can't discuss but no you can't do it

No. Is a complete sentence.

I have mild OCD. I saw a counsellor and it helped a lot.

BUT OCD or not, dogs or not, NO is the answer you need to give her.

Oh good, I see you did say it. Well done. Stick to your guns.

It was a ridiculously rude and impractical thing of her to ask and you were 100% right to say no.

The dog alone is no, (And I love dogs.)

The smoking is hell no.

Everything you have stated in your op is a valid reason to say no.

And saying no because you simply don't want her to is also a valid reason in itself.

Don't be afraid.

I would take the dog in (if that's possible) then she can stay with her partner and MIL.

Be prepared for her to try and guilt you into changing your mind.
If she comes out with the line "if you were a true friend, you'd let me stay"
The response from you is "if you were a true friend, you wouldn't ask"