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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
PandemicAtTheDisco · 25/08/2021 18:27

My friendship never recovered after I agreed to have my CF friend for a few weeks whilst she found somewhere to rent. It took a few months for her to find something.

She didn't contribute to bills or food. She was extremely particular and difficult to live with. I was put in a position where I couldn't say no but it was impossible to get rid of her once she arrived. She came with lots of luggage and furniture and fittings. I lived in a small two bedroomed, open plan flat. I saw no effort being put in to find her own place. It was not fun and I started staying away as I couldn't bear her in the end.

I've shared with many other friends and they've all been good to live with and I've missed them when they left. A true friend doesn't expect others to subsidise them , they don't take advantage, pressurise or manipulate others.

serialname · 25/08/2021 18:27

Text her to say."The answer is no. Please don't ask me again."

If she keeps asking. Block her.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 18:30

Thanks everyone.
I've said no to her before but granted I do go with the flow, maybe a bit too much so she isn't used to me putting my foot down.

OP posts:
Newbie8365 · 25/08/2021 18:31

I am shocked at her attitude! She is ignoring your answers but its not the answers she wants to hear. She isnt a true friend OP.

VinylCafe · 25/08/2021 18:31

@VickyEadieofThigh

I'll throw this suggestion into the mix - is she perhaps planning to rent the house out to raise further money for buying a new one?

Whoa! I wonder if she is planning on this?

DartmoorDoughnut · 25/08/2021 18:32

You’ve done totally the right thing for your dogs and you

Tallisimo · 25/08/2021 18:35

What?!!! She w as t planning to give you any money towards staying with you? What is she living off now in her own home, fresh air? This is just getting worse and worse. As for the most recent text, I’m gobsmacked. I’d be tempted to reply …

I’m astonished, that as someone who purports to be a friend, you are showing such a lack of empathy and understanding. I’ve said I don’t want to fall out with you but my answer is still no, and if you can’t respect this, then perhaps it’s best we give one another some space for a while.

friendlycat · 25/08/2021 18:36

Take heart that everybody on this thread thinks she is chancing her arm and behaving badly. It is not you, it is her. Just keep reminding yourself of this. You don't want her staying, you don't want her dog staying and neither does your DP. You are not being unreasonable, she is.

She has a current home and is not homeless or needing to escape a violent relationship. For some inexplicable reason she has decided it's a great option to live with you rent and bill free with a dog. It would be a very big ask even if she were desperate, but she is not as she has a CURRENT HOME to live in.

She is not "in need" of somewhere to stay. She has somewhere to stay. If for some whacky reason she would prefer somewhere else she has parents whom she could impose herself and her dog upon but it would appear that they do not wish her to stay with them either.

Just keep reminding yourself of the facts and focus on these. She is not homeless. In time this will all pass, but whether you choose to remain friends with someone who is imposing her will on you and making you feel very uncomfortable in the process is up to you.

If you continue to get further texts you must just reiterate
"I've said no and that is our final answer". You have somewhere to live and need to stay there until your property is sold and you make other arrangements with your boyfriend. There is nothing further to say on this matter."

TwoMountains · 25/08/2021 18:37

She’s coming across as a right nasty piece of work with that last text.

You have replied to her. She knows that. It’s just not the reply she wanted. And it’s difficult to believe that staying with you is really the only option she has.

Is this the first time that you’ve gone against what she wants OP?

And also - thinking about how pushy she’s being now, with just asking to stay - imagine how bad things could get if you said yes, and then had had to ask her to leave, because things didn’t work out with the dog / boyfriend / having no personal space because she’s living in your house / cost of the extra bills that she won’t contribute to etc?

I’ll bet the arguing, guilt tripping and emotional blackmail from her would be way worse, and way more stressful to you, than anything in her texts so far.

Marcee · 25/08/2021 18:38

You're doing really well.

The only problem is the excuses you are giving.

Woth your last message to her. I think giving excuses is just giving her aopportunity to make excuses of how your reasons aren't good enough. Stop talking about your anxiety and the dogs.

You've already explained yourself really well a few times. The next message should be shorter and just saying no.

tommyhoundmum · 25/08/2021 18:40

I think the Dog's Trust could arrange to care for her dog until she is settled

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 18:43

@2bazookas

Just make her an offer she won't accept.

" We'd LOVE to have you come and stay as long as you like, but not your dog or partner. Your dog can go and live with your partner, can't he? So that's okay.

TBH we'll be really glad of the money to help us with the mortgage. So, we're thinking you could pay about £500 a month and of course we share all the chores. "

For goodness sake. No game playing. People like her will jump on the chance to negotiate and be chuffed they’ve got an agreement in place. OP doesn’t want her there under any circumstances and that’s her right.
minionsrule · 25/08/2021 18:47

Just read all 34 pages and i'm gobsmacked.
There really is no going back from this as she is really not worthy of your friendship. My advice on that basis is

  1. Do not reply to her
  2. Block her now on your phone and all SM
  3. To save your sanity and if he is prepared to do it get your DP to call her, prepared with what he wants to say about how dreadfully she has treated you. He should talk at her, do not allow her to argue back, just state his thoughts hang up then block her as well.
Sorry you have had to deal with this (fellow people pleaser here) Flowers
Monday26July · 25/08/2021 18:49

Let me guess... you’re going to try brush this under the carpet and remain ‘best friends’ despite the way she’s behaved?

A PP had it spot on: OP, you need to improve your assertiveness. Her behaviour is obviously shit but your own is really concerning too and as you’re the one we’re all speaking to I think that needs highlighting. If you’re like this with her you’ll be like it in other parts of your life too and people will walk all over you. Even down to saying to her it would be lovely, when in reality you’d rather scratch your eyes out.

Might be worth having a think about your approach to conflict and your self respect/self esteem as you’re an easy target for the next CF to try it on with. This all should have been a simple ‘no, sorry, that won’t work for us!’ and rightfully being put off continuing the friendship when she started to push it. Instead you’ve continued to engage, try justify yourself, pretend you’d actually love her there but blame other reasons for why you can’t, and needed strangers to highlight just how wrong her behaviour is.

Here’s a start, if you want it:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

HalzTangz · 25/08/2021 18:50

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

And your reply should be, surely what you can do is stay in your house until it sells. Dogs aren't allowed upstairs in my house so no that wouldnt work either. If you can't stay in your house you will need to look into short term rentals
Pumasonsatsumas · 25/08/2021 18:50

Why does she have to move out in order to sell?

grapewine · 25/08/2021 18:50

Good for you standing firm. She's so, so cheeky and sounds manipulative as well in the messages.

HalzTangz · 25/08/2021 18:51

@RampantIvy

Use ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff's response or another one to still say no.

Do not back down. I still don't understand why she can't stay where she is, or why she can't rent somewhere with her partner. She has options.

My gut instinct on this is maybe she hasn't been paying her share of the mortgage and bills and other person wants her out (and not living for free) whilst the house sells
Glasstabletop · 25/08/2021 18:52

This reply has been deleted

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Pumasonsatsumas · 25/08/2021 18:52

Doh, I see that's been discussed already!

saraclara · 25/08/2021 18:53

[quote Monday26July]Let me guess... you’re going to try brush this under the carpet and remain ‘best friends’ despite the way she’s behaved?

A PP had it spot on: OP, you need to improve your assertiveness. Her behaviour is obviously shit but your own is really concerning too and as you’re the one we’re all speaking to I think that needs highlighting. If you’re like this with her you’ll be like it in other parts of your life too and people will walk all over you. Even down to saying to her it would be lovely, when in reality you’d rather scratch your eyes out.

Might be worth having a think about your approach to conflict and your self respect/self esteem as you’re an easy target for the next CF to try it on with. This all should have been a simple ‘no, sorry, that won’t work for us!’ and rightfully being put off continuing the friendship when she started to push it. Instead you’ve continued to engage, try justify yourself, pretend you’d actually love her there but blame other reasons for why you can’t, and needed strangers to highlight just how wrong her behaviour is.

Here’s a start, if you want it:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness[/quote]
Oh FFS stop lecturing OP. She's done really well today, and is facing the loss of a friendship, which has to be gutting. Now is not the time to be criticising her. Nor does she deserve your criticism.

mbosnz · 25/08/2021 18:53

My reply would be 'I don't know what you're going to do, but that's not actually my problem. What isn't going to happen, is me putting my mental wellbeing, my relationship, my home, and my dogs at risk'.

And then I'd block. Everywhere.

I used to be similarly non-assertive. Until one or two so-called best friends walked over me (and my partner, and my animals) one too many times. Now I can be utterly ruthless when necessary.

Jorriss · 25/08/2021 18:54

Crikey op, that's horrible. I'm glad you've put your foot down. It's absolutely ok to say no to this.

Nanny2many · 25/08/2021 18:56

She says she would be there for you but you wouldn’t put her in the spot like this! And if you did, you would take no for an answer!

ChameleonKola · 25/08/2021 18:58

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