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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 25/08/2021 17:53

Every one of the friend's responses is confirming the wisdom of saying No - It's a shame if the friendship is irrevocably fractured but the friend is responsible for this by not accepting your response, OP .

Mountainpika · 25/08/2021 17:56

And if you reply, not ONE word that could be taken as an apology. No 'sorry' or 'I'm afraid that.." Simple statements that no, we cannot have you here. No need even to give reasons, she'll only try and pick holes in them. Good luck!

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2021 17:58

At this point I wouldn’t reply. Her response was vile. Using your mental health against you is is horrid, truly horrid. Please don’t get upset over this. You are worth so much more. Flowers

theemperorhasnoclothes · 25/08/2021 17:59

She says she'd help you when you were in need - but you have expressed that you are in need - in need of your own space that doesn't involve extra people and problematic dogs. That you need your second storey of your house to be dog free. She's ignoring all your boundaries and she is not acting like someone who cares about you at all.

Just reply with - you are not in need. You have a house. I'm just not understanding at all why you need to move out until the house is sold?

And I'm afraid if she doesn't have the decency to consider YOUR needs then she's probably not worth the effort as a friend. How much give and take has there been over the years? Or has it all been one way?

Bigboysmademedoit · 25/08/2021 18:00

Didn’t want to read and run - you’re doing so well , just stick with ‘no’ and if she keeps pushing she is no friend. It sounds very much like there are money issues (who expects to live for free to save money for their own wants??). She could be bringing a lot of financial baggage with her. Cut her loose. Flowers

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 25/08/2021 18:01

If you think back through the years OP, although she says that she would do anything for you, has she ever done much? I expect she's done some stuff that you haven't asked for and possibly didn't really want, but have you ever asked her to do something for you that would be inconvenient for her in terms of time, effort or money? And how many times has she hinted, asked or told you to do something for her that caused you inconvenience?

Chocaholic9 · 25/08/2021 18:05

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

She isn't your friend. If she was, she would take no for an answer the first time around. She is a user.
Kisskiss · 25/08/2021 18:08

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

That’s a pretty nasty text from her . Don’t even bother replying!!!
BalloonSlayer · 25/08/2021 18:10

"I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need"

You could respond with - "I have replied. I said no."

toothpicklover · 25/08/2021 18:11

I really wouldn't consider this person a friend. You've said no and she is being very pushy but not only that, she wasn't going to pay you any money and move her boyfriend by the sounds of it!!!!!

Stick to your guns, it would be an utter nightmare for you and I suspect she would not contribute towards food or drink either!

CliffsofMohair · 25/08/2021 18:12

@islandhoppin

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious. This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

What do you do? You say no!
CliffsofMohair · 25/08/2021 18:13

Oh thread has moved on I see … ignore me…

NotJuryDutyAgain · 25/08/2021 18:13

Blurgh. She's shameless. Time for a new friend, honestly.

If she were a true friend, she wouldn't be pressuring you. I'd start turning it back on her, asking her why she thinks she has to move out before the house sells, why won't she stand up for herself and tell her family member to calm down.

FartleBarfle · 25/08/2021 18:13

@BalloonSlayer

That's the best and most obvious response! Perfect!

Cherrysoup · 25/08/2021 18:16

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

What a cow! I’d respond with ‘And I didn’t realise that you really didn’t give a shit about me’. I’d say it’s friendship ending, but all from her, not your fault. Nd she wants to stay for free? Is she having a laugh? 🤬

krustykittens · 25/08/2021 18:17

She is not in fucking need, though, is she, just doesn't fancy living in her own damn house while it is being sold and wants to live with you for free! She's not a friend, OP, she never was and nor were her family from the sounds of things.

ACPC · 25/08/2021 18:18

Cheeky fucker! Don't reply any more, what a vile thing to say . Get a new best friend op.

TeeBee · 25/08/2021 18:19

Copy the message that you sent saying you won't do it and just resend it to her after every message she sends.

Welshgal85 · 25/08/2021 18:20

@Harvestyo

Reply "You are not listening to me or respecting what I've told you. I've told you that the answer is no. Please don't attempt to pressurise me further, it's making me extremely angry".
This!
CoasterCoaster · 25/08/2021 18:20

If you had asked exactly the same favour of her and she had said no and cited the same reasons there is absolutely no way you would have pushed the point, because you are a decent person who thinks of others. She is sadly not who you thought she was OP and there is no benefit to you in keeping this friendship going, hopefully knowing that will leave you free to respond (or block, or ignore) however you like with no guilt or regrets. She is genuinely no loss because she's not a friend in the way you understand friendship to work, she's a user and you're well rid Flowers

riceuten · 25/08/2021 18:21

It's totally reasonable for you to say no, solely based on the dog she has.

"I don't think it would work out". If she's a real friend, she won't be offended

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/08/2021 18:23

Is this the first time you've ever said no to her, @islandhoppin ?

Welshgal85 · 25/08/2021 18:25

Oh Op I am so sorry she is being like this, she is being so disrespectful and selfish. She isn’t behaving like a true friend at all. She is trying to make you feel guilty but she is an adult and capable of making her own arrangements! It’s not your responsibility to sort her life out for her.

I think be firm with her once more, say she’s upsetting/disrespecting what you have said and then I would mute/block her!

georgeregina · 25/08/2021 18:25

Absolutely unbelievable.

ArcheryAnnie · 25/08/2021 18:25

Well done, OP, for sticking with your answer.

If you don't want to continue the friendship, I think everyone here would understand. If you do want to continue the friendship, I'd consider telling her what you've told us - that her request has brought about a bout of severe anxiety, you've been in tears, etc etc, and that it's causing you real distress. You haven't said no on a whim. She is actively hurting you, and needs to stop.