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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
doubleshotcappuccino · 25/08/2021 17:22

No is a complete sentence and could do, your mental health and friendship the world of good, Boundaries are really important and its really hard to back so as tough as it is prioritise yourself- if the friendship founders as a result that wasn't a friend

Summerbubbles · 25/08/2021 17:25

A good friend wouldn't put you in this position, she has a house to live in, people live in houses that are up for sale all the time, you just have to be a bit more tidy than usual. It would be different perhaps if she were desperate e.g. fleeing from domestic violence or homeless but she isn't.

Having spare rooms doesn't mean that you should be expected to give up your privacy unless you want to, lots of people like having their own private space (I'm one of them!)

AngelPrint · 25/08/2021 17:26

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone, I'm just a bit taken aback, I'm shocked that she could reduce me to tears so easily. I couldn't and wouldn't ever treat someone in that way. 😔
Sadly she’s shown you who she is @islandhoppin

I’m sorry for your loss in that. Loss of how you thought your friendship was. It’s never nice seeing that a person we thought was a dear friend is able to be so manipulative and willing to put her wants over your needs. She’s no friend.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 17:26

Thanks everyone for being so lovely SadStar

OP posts:
RincewindsHat · 25/08/2021 17:27

TBH at this point I would probably call her and if she hears you crying maybe she'll back off a bit.

I'd also be asking her why she's in such need and why she thinks she'd need to move in with you for MONTHS?

HereticFanjo · 25/08/2021 17:28

I normally love a good CF thread but this one is ridiculous because she is the actual queen of CFs. The answer is hard no. Stop getting upset about this. If she keeps pestering you, tell her you are stepping back from the friendship for a while.

CatchThatCat · 25/08/2021 17:32

@lottiegarbanzo

Btw OP, this thread is very obvious tabloid fodder. They love tales of outrageous CFs. If you feel it could be identifying, you might want to ask to have it taken down.
I agree this will be in the daily mail soon if not removed !
nettie434 · 25/08/2021 17:35

Astonished that she was proposing to live rent free in your house. I saw another poster suggested that the other co-owner of the house might have got sick of sharing the house with the CF, badly behaved dog and smoky boyfriend. That might explain why she wants to leave the house while it is on the market..

Please don't be upset hoppinisland. Her reaction has made a huge ask into a totally unreasonable request.

aloris · 25/08/2021 17:35

You have done very well at gently and firmly defending your boundaries here. This text is strange:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

You have sent several very polite, gentle replies, so her text doesn't match the truth, or even acknowledge it. Why would she send a message that is contradictory to the truth?

user1471442488 · 25/08/2021 17:35

So, not only is she telling you that she’s not going to pay you anything for an indeterminate period, she’s also letting you know that her BF would be around all the time.

Unbelievably cheeky. She’s made you say no a number of times which is out of order. Tell her you’ve answered her and to stop asking you as it poses a risk to the friendship now.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/08/2021 17:38

You have replied.
You've said no.
Several times.

She just doesn't like hearing it

You really should point out you've replied X times, all saying no. At this point she is being a bully.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 25/08/2021 17:41

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

She’s a dick!
toobusytothink · 25/08/2021 17:43

OMG. I’ve only read your posts op but wow!!! You said no and that should have been the end: she pushed and pushed and you still said no (well done) and she still doesn’t accept it. Well you don’t need to respond to her latest message which was just nasty. I’ve a feeling she will probably message again because she appears to be a persistent little ……… but I think you can quite legitimately ignore any more: or just keep replying “I’m afraid it’s still a no” to every request - no need to give further reasons.

Lanique · 25/08/2021 17:43

@LAgeDeRaisin 🤣

Op well done for standing your ground. This 'friend' of yours really is the gift that keeps on giving Hmm.

Thank goodness you've nipped this in the bud now before it goes any further.

DeRigueurMortis · 25/08/2021 17:43

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

She's not in need.

She's intentionally choosing to make herself homeless and expecting to reap the financial benefits of living rent free with you for many, many months.

It's not your job to subsidise your "friend" under these circumstances.

You've given her your answer. She doesn't like it.

So what.

Your not enjoying the experience of being bullied by her over this issue. She doesn't seem too concerned about that does she?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/08/2021 17:44

I think youve been really nice. If she doesnt accept it now just start replying 'no'.

Dont worry about hurting her feelings - she's clearly not worried about yours.

Tip for next time. Instead of giving a reason just write no that doesnt/wont work for me. This avoids getting into a discussion or negotiation.

Notonthestairs · 25/08/2021 17:44

She feels you haven't replied because you haven't given her the reply she wants.

You've answered kindly. Now ignore.

I know you'll be very distressed by having to deal with this - but this isn't your doing, it's hers.

Gobsmacked that she thinks she should be able to move herself, her boyfriend and her dog in rent free for an unknown period of time. She's lost all sight of how people function.

CambsAlways · 25/08/2021 17:44

Sorry that you are feeling really anxious but for me it will be a very easy no, there’s no way I would personally give myself stress over this, it’s just mad, if she’s a good friend she will understand and if she doesn’t then she’s very selfish

Lykia · 25/08/2021 17:44

I'm sorry OP but she isn't the friend you thought she was. Why won't she accept no for an answer? Why can't she move in with her dp/family/other friends? They probably don't want her either.

My dh would go ballistic if a friend turned up indefinitely to stay.

She also has a dog, is not prepared to contribute to rent and already has a place of her own. Has she lost her mind? If the situation was reversed there's no way she would do this for you despite what she says.

saraclara · 25/08/2021 17:47

Yep. That's how I felt. And that was before this latest message. But I think this batshit woman needs to know that this isn't just OP's decision.

So it's not anti-feminist because it's not about him being a man, it's about someone else in that house being affected and allowed an opinion, and someone else having OP's back in this.

User657849 · 25/08/2021 17:48

I’m feeling so stressed reading these messages from her, please stand your ground and say no.

Even in the best circumstances, I can’t see many people willing to let anyone live in their house for months.

Zanina · 25/08/2021 17:48

Block her. You will feel better xx

CambsAlways · 25/08/2021 17:50

Just read her messages to you, she certainly doesn’t get it does she! And very rude, I’d be binning her off

EL8888 · 25/08/2021 17:50

God, she’s relentless. She’s not in need, she’s a total cheeky fucker. Loving the claims of not being able to contribute, hmm that’s convenient and academic as you ARE NOT MOVING IN!

Standrewsschool · 25/08/2021 17:52

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

That is nasty. What a horrible thing to say.