Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Honestly - just tell her NO!.

If she dumps you as a friend, she was never a real friend to begin with - and I can almost promise you that if you let her stay, the two of you will end up at each other's throats over all of these issues, and your friendship will fail anyway.

Don't let her move in for even a weekend.

What a complete bitch she is. Ignore now. You've said no, multiple times.

The absolute bloody nerve of her! I'm just stunned on your behalf OP. What a nasty piece of work. 'oh I'll invite myself to stay in your home for months on end, with my horrible dog and boyfriend in tow, and no I won't be giving you so much as a shilling, but it will be SUCH FUN!' I've read some shocking threads on here but this one is right up there

You have handled this very well. I know from bitter experience that it's bloody hard standing up to people like this, but you're doing it. Pour yourself a large one / cup of tea tonight and celebrate not having this hideous person in your house for months on end!

It is also possible that she's very stressed, desperate and trying to put a positive spin on something she actually thinks she needs. The trouble is, you can't believe anything she says now.

So not only does she want to move on,she wants to stay rent-free.
No just no.

Well OP if you ever felt any doubt hopefully you don’t now after reading all these responses! I’m very forgiving but this is taking the piss.
Also, it’s ok to end a friendship when someone makes you feel shitty. They’re not a friend, you don’t need to be loyal.

No healthy person would use your vulnerabilities against you.

Btw OP, this thread is very obvious tabloid fodder. They love tales of outrageous CFs. If you feel it could be identifying, you might want to ask to have it taken down.

That's one message too many..

What is your partner like.

You sound like a lovey kind person who could do with a bit of backup on this now.

Your partner also needs to tell her no because the house is not just your home but DP's too.
DP should have a say in who comes to stay.

How ridiculous of your friend to expect to be housed and looked after by two people who don't want her there, free or not.

The Cheeky Fucker Force is strong with this one.

I think your anxiety, mental health and general well-being would improve immensely by no longer having this "friend" in your life. I doubt she has suddenly started behaving this entitled and cruel. I would advise cutting her off completely.

@lottiegarbanzo

It is also possible that she's very stressed, desperate and trying to put a positive spin on something she actually thinks she needs. The trouble is, you can't believe anything she says now.

Well, if that was the case the CF really should have started the conversation with "I'm desperate, I know this is a lot to ask, but can I stay for a few weeks? I won't bring the dog and will meet up with BF at his place, he won't come to yours. I can pay you a token rent but I'll do half the shopping and cooking, and all of the cleaning"

I haven't read the whole thread but her several messages are outrageous, presumptuous and increasingly rude. And the idea that she could move in and not even offer to chip in towards bills and that it's all going to be "fun" but at your expense.

And she's expecting you to feed her as well - and not cover her use of utilities?

And what happens if all three dogs are upset by the change in their living arrangements, and hers destroys the upstairs, and yours the downstairs while you are all out? Who pays for that.

Keep to your guns - you are doing phenomenally well.

I wouldn't normally suggest this (being a feminist and all) but now is the time for your partner to message her to leave you alone xxxxx

OP - tell her you are perfectly willing to help someone in need - you will be making a donation to a charity for the homeless. She could apply to them.

Not serious, of course. Don't reply. No need for any reasons. No is no.

My gosh she is so controlling and I feel she is on the verge of bullying you. It also sounds like she is planning for her Dp to set up happy families in your house too.

You should message back

Sorry I’m not sure how you could be desperate as you haven’t explained why you actually need to move out before the sale goes through? Are you trying to rent it out or let someone else live there? Most people live in their houses until sold.
As I’ve explained DH and I have discussed this as it is his house too and this will not work for us as it will put too much strain on our relationship.
I’m sorry but we don’t allow dogs upstairs in our house or on beds, or smoking and we really feel this will not work.

Actually gobsmacked by her responses. Totally proud of you for sticking to it OP - you sound lovely, be kind to yourself.

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

And there you have it.

Someone showing you EXACTLY who they are.

This always happens when you tell them No or insist on boundaries.

She is not only a CF, she is a nasty, nasty person.

Save your tears.
Now you know exactly what she is like.

Like many others, these things are notba surprise.

Just like cheating men follow a script.

So do CF using female friends.

Be glad you know.
You are a lovely person who certainly doesn't need a friend like that in her life.

Who does?

If you need to reply, one word "WOW"

Don't engage with her. Any reason you give, she'll have an answer

Or Google grey rock technique

If you don't want her to stay, then you're not obliged. Maybe it'll harm the friendship, maybe not. But she doesn't sound like she's truly in need, more wants to stay with you rather than genuine homesless

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

Bloody hell

Shes not "in need", she has a perfectly fine house of her own to live in.

I'm now wondering if part of this is they were planning to leach off you with utilities and food in order to save up more cash to buy a house thats currently out of their budget.

She will either keep pressuring you or go silent. Silent because she has now pissed all over the friendship and it’s awkward.

Don’t feel bad op you did nothing wrong.

She has options.

That last message...wow.

I can't imagine have such little shame that you would continue to try and inflict yourself on someone who clearly doesn't want you around. It's really quite embarrassing.

The mental health message is very low and I'm afraid she would no longer be my friend after that.

All the hyperbole aside, you do need to block her

That last message was too low a blow.

She’s a shitty piece of work

She’s no friend at all. As you point out to us here, there’s no way on earth you’d do this to another living soul, what gives her the right to ride so rough shod over you, your mental health and your boundaries

What a total bitch. You seriously do need to lose her. And whenever you find out what test it was to put her up to this level of pressure, tear them off a strip too!

Cheeky Fucker doesn’t even come close