Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Tell her you have a home. You are not in need.

I’d hazard a guess this is the first time you’ve not fallen in with her plans and she’s flummoxed. I had a friend like this, we were fine for years until I couldn’t do something she wanted me to do and then I saw her true colours. Then when reflecting on our friendship, I realised it had mostly been on her terms (as I’m pretty easy going and tend to go with flow) but the one time I put my foot down, she couldn’t fathom why I wasn’t agreeing with her. Sadly it led to the gradually decline of our friendship.

Ignore here. That last message doesn't warrant a response.

She's not your mate!

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

Oh this woman is NOT your friend. How manipulative and what emotional blackmail.

And as for this:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you.

Well no she wouldn't because you wouldn't dream of imposing yourself on someone in such a way - that's not how you treat your friends.

It would not be a laugh and no, I don't know "what I'm like" - pray enlighten me.

She wants to impose herself, her partner her two dogs on you for an unspecified amount of time, with no payment so she can save up - fuck no.

Dear CF. As you seem to be having difficulties understanding, I have found two ways of conveying my answer to your request. These are:

I feel sorry for you OP because someone you consider a friend is just a complete user.
But I am happy for you that you found out now before potentially letting her move in and cracking under the strain.

Length of time is not the factor in what makes a good friend, do yourself a favour and ditch her, you'll be surprised how light you feel.

Definitely no response to this , if you respond it adds another log to the fire of her keeping you on the hook ( mixed metaphors sorry)
I agree leave this one hanging and I bet in the morning you get a climbdown text. This is normal with CFs when you set new boundaries

@islandhoppin

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

Block.

@olidora63

This is clearly really upsetting you and I think the anxiety of texting doesn’t help…give her a call and have a proper conversation about it.💐

Definitely not. Stick to texts where you have time to formulate your reply (if there's going to be any more replies). You're already feeling guilty - though you shouldn't - and if she starts laying it on thick in a conversation you may end up wobbling.

Texting all the way!

She is a total bully OP, shes even trying to control when and if you answer messages

I'm so sorry OP. You've done everything right and your messages have been good. But you've discovered that this friend is not a friend at all. And that has to hurt.

Please don't let this affect your mental health. This is ALL on her, and there's not a single thing that you've done or said that is unreasonable.

Stay strong and block her.

So your mate has invited herself, DP & dog all to live in your house for free for an unspecified amount of time? For no apparent reason?

What an add situation!

Ok I did her a disservice in an earlier post imagining she still had chance to make this better, but she doesn't. She's bullying you now. This is showing how little she cares. Bin her off OP, she's vile.

Urgh. She sounds like a manipulative fantasist who'd drop you like a hot brick if you ever needed something inconvenient.

'You'd do anything for me? All I need you to do is to understand 'no' in this instance. No hard feelings, see you soon, love OP.'

I had said previously that her reply to you would speak volumes. It is a shame that this is indeed the case.

She is not being considerate toward you at all. The position she is putting you in by asking, the fret over how best to reject the request, the audacity of her having zero respect for your boundaries.

Well done for standing your ground. Some space from this person may be needed.

odd*

OP just say no again and again. Just don't engage.

She still hasn't said why she cant stay in her home until its sold. I suspect the co owning family member wants her and her dog out to clear up and make a good price. And her family don't want her or dog in their house.

And she can't offer money for her rental in your home because her money will be so tight saving towards her new home after months at yours with dog, smoking boyfriend etc.

Interesting.

...and yes. You're right not to reply to that really disgusting message, and I would block her.

OP is she really your best friend? How long have you been friends? She seems horrible, I can't imagine any of my friends acting like this.

I would step away from the phone for the rest of the day and not reply anymore. There is nothing more to be said.

@islandhoppin

I can completely see why this is strange, I'm actually tying to get my head around it all myself, it's just bizarre and like I've said, I don't see a reason as to why she needs to leave her home whilst in the selling process. I have been through the emotions now, yesterday when this first happened and I posted this thread, I was angry and anxious and everything rolled into one. I've cooled off a lot now.

Either the other owner wants her out because of dog stink and mess and/or because her boyfriend is stinking up the place with cigarette smoke and yellowing every inch of it. As in, maybe her family member doesn't want to put of buyers or give an excuse for low ball offers. I also suspect that the relative wants to sell because your friend isn't paying her share as promised.

My betting is on, she does not have to move out but that she wants to move out in order to live free at your house.

She would be using your
gas and electric
Internet/subscription services
Water
Phone probably
Eating your food
Using your toiletries
Washing her cloths for free
Letting her dog eat your dogs food
Watching your TV
Fucking her boyfriend in your bed
Bet she'd even be "borrowing" your cloths

With people like her, the list could be even longer.
Before you know it, one of you will be driving her and him around.

Your friend is a parasite.

I would just go back and say

I am sorry you feel that way, perhaps because you have no real understanding about my MH issues. I also find it upsetting you assumed your dog would be allowed upstairs , it wouldn’t be, and that you are assuming you wouldn’t be paying anything for staying here- we can’t afford to subsidise you. I fail to see why you have to move before selling your current place, most people selling stay until sold, and that’s my suggestion to you, stay where you are until the property is sold. You may feel we are being harsh but I have explained why it won’t be happening and DP is in agreement. Please dont text me about this again

Then if she does block

"I did reply. You just didn't respect my clear and honest answer. Which is still no."

But she is already goading and bullying you, so I'd probably not reply at all now. She'll get bored and move on eventually. Then quite possibly forget the whole episode, as soon as she wants something else.