Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

She is not homeless and is only using you

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

Bollocks to this. IF she was in dire need (e.g. escaping an abusive relationship) you'd help her, but there seems to be no real reason to leave her house. If the family member wants someone to leave, why don't THEY leave?

She wouldn't do it for you, not without any caveats or reservations no-one would. And it's not just your decision, your DP has a say and he says no.

Stop responding and letting her frame the discussion - the question should be why can't she stay where she is until it's sold and she has a new place to move? That's what everyone else does.

You could even say you can come but not the dog (although I'd suggest at this point this is unwise) - if it was desperate she'd stay with her partner as it seems there is an offer there just not with the dog. So she can put the dog in kennels or something.

Friend,
There is no point in trying to force this, It's not happening.
The dogs don't get on
I don't want dogs upstairs
I need my house as my refuge, not you & your dog's refuge
You are not even offering any financial participation
You can go & stay with family, if they don't want your dog its the same reason as I don't want your dog.
Its not even just the dog issue
MY H & I do not want a long term unpaying tenant living in our house, & we don't even know the end date
It's No, & will remain No.
The best solution is to stay in your house, until its sold, like everyone else does.

I know this is stressing you OP, but you're doing brilliantly in standing up for yourself to what is, quite frankly, expert level CFery. I hope you don't lose her friendship over this, because I'd like to think she'll back off now and apologise, but if not it will be 100% her fault for being so disrespectful of your boundaries.

Just say no for the reasons you’ve stated - there are plenty of short-let properties available to her. Can she move in with her DP?
She’s been quite unreasonable, knowing your health issues - does she often put you on the spot like this?

@theemperorhasnoclothes - keep up would you? The OP has said no, end of. Not happening.

Another one to send on to her:

@islandhoppin

Maybe I am an easy target. Things like this really stress me out and I do struggle to assert myself.. I don't like to have to let anybody down but this just doesn't sit right with me. Having spoken to my fiancé, he really isn't happy about this either..

Is she the type of person to offer things sh knows you’ll never need?

So where she says she would let you stat at hers, does she know that you would never ask her this because you’re not a CF?

Here's another one:

Just make her an offer she won't accept.

" We'd LOVE to have you come and stay as long as you like, but not your dog or partner. Your dog can go and live with your partner, can't he? So that's okay.

TBH we'll be really glad of the money to help us with the mortgage. So, we're thinking you could pay about £500 a month and of course we share all the chores. "

What if I told you…

Just caught up with the updates. Slightly gobsmacked that not only does she want to stay with you, she wants to stay rent free!

Well done on maintaining your boundaries and rejecting her suggestion. Don’t back down!

If she wants to houseshare, point her in the direction of sparerooms. Com, or the rental section if rightmove.

How many spare rooms you have is irrelevant, they are YOUR spare rooms and she is not homeless. You do not owe anyone a reason for why you do not want them to live in YOUR house, she already has a house to live in.

Her comment, "the boys will love it" also suggests that she is expecting to move into your house with her partner as well and they don't plan to financially contribute. I think she just wants to save money to buy her next house by leeching off you.

She is not listening to you at all, she is not a good friend. I would end a friendship if someone close to me tried to apply that much pressure to get their own way.

Stalking you on facebook to let you know she knows you have seen her messages and she's essentially waiting for you to give the "right" answer is closer to bullying than manipulation, although a decent friend would do neither.

You are trying really hard to preserve a friendship she doesn't appear to give a shit about. Stick to your guns, you're doing really well.

Im so sorry you are going through this @islandhoppin ..

I think she is shameful.. she wasn't even planning on PAYING anything toward her living with you or food or rental costs... she was expecting you and DP to take the full financial hit...

She really is a CF and Im appalled on your behalf...

No wonder her family are body swerving her.. SHE IS A CF FREELOADER...

Good on you for Standing Firm 🌸

@2bazookas

Just make her an offer she won't accept.

" We'd LOVE to have you come and stay as long as you like, but not your dog or partner. Your dog can go and live with your partner, can't he? So that's okay.

TBH we'll be really glad of the money to help us with the mortgage. So, we're thinking you could pay about £500 a month and of course we share all the chores. "

The CFer friend has already come back to say that she wasn't going to be paying anything, yes, you read that right, she wanted to be put up but not contribute ANYTHING towards the bills. The OP doesn't have to make any offer at all. The only acceptable response is "Ahhahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahhahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahah. That's a joke, right? Nope, still not going to happen"

I'm really shocked by how hard she is pushing it. Well done for sticking to your stance, stay strong - she's really not a good friend to treat you like this (knowing that it will be making you anxious)

Yip she thought OP was her Fairy God Mother providing her with a free for all lifestyle 🤣

Wrong 😂

Have just RTFT. She sounds like an absolute lunatic.

Don't give any reasons as giving a reason means she can argue with the reason. Just say 'no' and if necessary block her. Tbh I think you should block her anyway because she sounds like a complete nutjob but there we are.

Stay strong.

I just KNEW she'd push it

Your responses were great and very clear . IF she gets the arse with you please remind yourself that it's nothing YOU have done, this is her behavior that's made things difficult.

She wants to come and live with her BF and dog and pay no rent. No one would agree to this, it's outrageous!

I'd go for complete silence op.
Dont respond to anything

You've probably never said no to anything before so she's angry that you're not doing what you're told. Don't give in. If you give in now then you're just sending the message that in future she just needs to keep increasing the aggression/manipulation until you do what she wants.

OP,

Older woman here, and I can tell you, that in my experience the bigger the CF, the less they do for ANYONE.

Giving is a one way street with them.

They are so pushy and focused on what THEY want, the would NEVER allow anyone impose on THEM.

I don't believe for a minute she would allow you and your partner move in to her home, rent free sor months on end.

She's far too tight with her money to countenance that at all.

I agree with complete silence, you'll soon see what sort of good friend she is.

Another text from her. I've not responded at all:

'I didn't realise MH and anxiety make a person unable to reply to someone that is in need..'

Stick to your guns OP. Your messages have been firm, polite and clear. She is absolutely not allowed to disregard your perfectly reasonable boundaries.