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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
CantGetDecentNickname · 25/08/2021 15:50

She is trying to wear you down by going on at you. A good response was given several posts ago:

"this isn't a negotiation, I can't do it. I also don't understand why you wouldn't stay in your own home until it's sold like everyone else does. I love you but you can't make this my problem right now."

Best to shut it down completely by saying "I'm not going to discuss this with you again" and not replying to anything else until the subject changes. She will use any reason that you give as something she can use to try to talk you round. Trouble is she is not at all subtle or kind towards you. It is all "take" on her part. If she really "knew what you were like" she'd know that you need your own space. She is showing some rather nasty behaviour here and this is not now friends treat each other.

Please remain firm and politely repeat the "no". Don't give her any other reasons as she is trying to use those against her and you don't need to give reasons. I'm still shocked that someone thinks they have a right to use another's property as theirs simply because there is a spare room, not to mention not intending to pay for anything and that it won't annoy or inconvenience the other person or their partner and family and pets!

VickyEadieofThigh · 25/08/2021 15:50

I'll throw this suggestion into the mix - is she perhaps planning to rent the house out to raise further money for buying a new one?

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 15:52

@tickledtiger

Why can’t her family put her up?
It’s not her family’s responsibility either...

But I suspect they’re smart enough and know her well enough not to let her get her feet under the table. They’ll know her better than anyone!

ejhhhhh · 25/08/2021 15:52

Is she always like this? Do you really need her in your life?

billy1966 · 25/08/2021 15:54

@CharityDingle

'Whilst I'm sure it would be lovely...' but you know it wouldn't.

And using a phrase like that which is completely the opposite to what you actually feel, sets up all kinds of stress for you.

Exactly, why say something that patently untrue?

What's the point?

Tell the truth.

It won't be happening because it doesn't suit us.
End of.

ACPC · 25/08/2021 15:54

Doesn't sound like a good friend op. She's completely tried to brush over your feelings. Stick to your guns.

CantGetDecentNickname · 25/08/2021 15:56

Or you could try "I feel as though you are trying to bully me to get your own way. It will not work for me and I have said "no" and that answer will not change. I am not going to discuss this further."

Please try not to feel bad about this as she doesn't appear to feel bad at all in hassling you the way she is doing. There should be no guilt on your part - it is your house and you live in it with people/pets that you want to. You choose to not to rent rooms or run a B&B as you want your own space. This is perfectly normal. Her behaviour really isn't.

FoxgloveSummers · 25/08/2021 15:57

Well done OP.

skodadoda · 25/08/2021 15:57

@islandhoppin

Another message:

'I can see you're online on Facebook right now so must be seeing my texts. I know I wouldn't be able to help contribute to rent or bills because money would be tight during the move and I need every penny for the new place, but I'd be here as a friend, it would be great fun living together for a few months don't you think?! The boys (meaning my DP and her BF I assume) will love it!'

Oh dear 😟

So how is she financing herself at the moment?
FoxgloveSummers · 25/08/2021 15:57

Suggest you put your phone away for an hour or two and get out for a walk/watch a film. She will reply and she needs to be left to stew.

Redwinestillfine · 25/08/2021 15:57

You have 100% done the right thing. If she's beingthis much of a pain about you saying no to this (quite unreasonable) request of hers can you imagine what she'll be like when you have had enough of her and want her out?!

Darkstar4855 · 25/08/2021 15:58

She is definitely being unreasonable to keep pressuring you when you’ve clearly said no. If she was asking to stay for a week or so that would be one thing but asking to stay for several months with no financial contributions and a dog and partner in tow is off the scale cheeky.

Chocaholic9 · 25/08/2021 15:58

@islandhoppin

Sadly I think she's maybe being pushed onto us by family since we do have 3 spare rooms. Not that this should matter, but it does make me feel more guilty as it isn't as though I don't have the space. Mentally though I really can't.

I have responded:

'*, I have told you no and I'm afraid I am sticking to it. I don't want this to cause problems within our friendship, please respect my wishes. DP and I are in agreement about this and whilst I'm sure it would be lovely, I'm not in the right headspace for this right now and it would be so unfair on the dogs, all three of them. Thank you for understanding'

Well done, OP! You definitely did the right thing.
saraclara · 25/08/2021 15:59

Spare rooms aren't the point. I had three spare rooms when I hosted the friend I mentioned a few pages back. He contributed consciously, he was a good guest, I appreciated his company (it was lockdown) and I was the one who offered. I don't regret it, but it still had its issues. And I didn't have a partner to get fed up with a house guest in the way, either. Oh, and my friend didn't have a partner to turn up constantly, nor pets.

If it didn't 100%'work for me, there's not a cat in hells chance that your friendship, your relationship with your partner, and your mental health would survive this suggestion.

cactijones · 25/08/2021 15:59

I actually can't believe she was expecting to live with you rent free as well 😂😂

saraclara · 25/08/2021 16:00

He contributed financially, even! Ugh, autocorrect.

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2021 16:00

@Whatinthelord

Maybe start sending “no” memes if she continues
Do this!
NoSquirrels · 25/08/2021 16:01

Nope

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'
Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2021 16:01

It’s easy enough to sell a house with a dog in it. It’s just a lot of work. You just have to be disciplined and clean regularly to eradicate hairs / odour, put the dog plus paraphernalia in the car or daycare during viewings and have fresh bedlinen. She could even have a display duvet and pillows for the occasion.

But instead of this, she’d rather inconvenience you. Because it’s more convenient for her. Think about what sort of person would rather sponge off you rent free than be a responsible adult? And presume her dp can move in too?!

saraclara · 25/08/2021 16:02

Here you go

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'
RickJames · 25/08/2021 16:03

Oh dear - she just can't see your point of view. Sorry Op.

Binnaggy · 25/08/2021 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

AmIamum10 · 25/08/2021 16:06

Just say no. If you say yes, you are anyways going to end up having an argument/fight. It's better to say no now and feel like shit for a while instead of going thru actual shit with her, her jumpy dog and her stinky manner less boyfriend who would light up in someone else's living room.

Say no. Yes, you will feel bad. But you feel bad in private at the comfort of your home. Say yes, you will feel bad and won't even have the comfort of your home.

Plumtree391 · 25/08/2021 16:06

I am glad you've said, "No", op. It is the right thing, you could have ended up having them with you indefinitely, her house isn't anywhere near sold yet.

SamiReed1 · 25/08/2021 16:09

@CharityDingle

'Whilst I'm sure it would be lovely...' but you know it wouldn't.

And using a phrase like that which is completely the opposite to what you actually feel, sets up all kinds of stress for you.

Yes, that phrase stuck out to me. OP, you never should have said that at all. Not only do you know full well it would not at all be lovely, but you've given her a strand of encouragement and all she needs to do is think more how it would work and come back to you with more ideas.

If she comes back to you again, just repeat "The answer is no, absolutely not, and I won't change my mind in the future either. Please stop asking or I will have to withdraw from the friendship."