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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
PyjamaFan · 25/08/2021 15:37

Well done OP.

She is not a good friend. I can't believe she wants to stay for free and without even contributing to bills. And that she won't take no for an answer.

You might have to stop replying.

Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 15:37

I know unfortunately what her family are like. Lovely as they all are, they will be pushing her onto us because we have the room. They are very often like this. In the nicest way (I don't know how else to word it) they do like to use peoples 'things' (holiday homes, cars, discounts etc) when available. They won't see an issue in pushing her onto us.

I think you have a very different definition of ‘lovely’ to the rest of us. Her and her family (and boyfriend) sound like selfish, manipulative bullies.

I would withdraw massively and find some better friends. Sound like she’s jealous that you have 3 spare bedrooms and think you somehow owe her.

RampantIvy · 25/08/2021 15:37

Excellent reply. If she pushes even more I would mute her conversations in Messenger/WhatsApp or whatever platform she uses so that you can't see them.

Well done for being strong.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 25/08/2021 15:38

It doesn't matter if you have 20 spare rooms. You don't need to take anyone in for any reason if you don't feel comfortable with it.

I wouldn't let anyone move into ours. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable having anyone but my husband and children in my house by the end of the day. I wouldn't be able to relax for a second.

VickyEadieofThigh · 25/08/2021 15:38

I really do want her to explain exactly why she wants to live rent-free in the OP's house when she has her perfectly good house available.

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 15:38

You are massively underreacting. The phrase you’ve used today ‘this doesn’t sit right with me...’ doesn’t really gel with the situation you’re in.

armanted · 25/08/2021 15:38

The strange thing is OP that you feel really bad about this, but she probably doesn't. Why's that do you think?

When this happened to me I realised that my EX friend was a taker, and we got along because I kept giving. She never took no for an answer about anything.

MinnieGirl · 25/08/2021 15:39

@islandhoppin

Another message:

'I can see you're online on Facebook right now so must be seeing my texts. I know I wouldn't be able to help contribute to rent or bills because money would be tight during the move and I need every penny for the new place, but I'd be here as a friend, it would be great fun living together for a few months don't you think?! The boys (meaning my DP and her BF I assume) will love it!'

Oh dear 😟

So she’s expecting you to feed her and pay for her hot water electric wi-if etc? Wow!
Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 15:39

@BabyLeaf

You are massively underreacting. The phrase you’ve used today ‘this doesn’t sit right with me...’ doesn’t really gel with the situation you’re in.
Yep
Karwomannghia · 25/08/2021 15:42

Thank goodness you said no straight away, god knows how long she’d be sponging off you!!

PyjamaFan · 25/08/2021 15:43

She sounds like a stalker too with her 'I know you're online' comment.

Seriously, is she really a good friend? Because she sounds awful. As do her bf and family.

justthecat · 25/08/2021 15:43

You are 100% right to say no

MaggieFS · 25/08/2021 15:43

She wants to stay for free. Ahahahahahahahahahaha.

My reply would be "you've said you'll do anything for me... please respect my decision and stop putting pressure on me. That's not being a friend".

RampantIvy · 25/08/2021 15:44

I don't understand why you feel bad about saying no. It isn't as if she is homeless or escaping an abusive relationship.

Does she owe a lot of money to people?

GinIronic · 25/08/2021 15:44

This CF is the queen of them all. Move in with boyfriend and dog, expect you to feed them and pay all bills!

vixeyann · 25/08/2021 15:44

Please say no. You've outlined the anxiety it would cause you to say yes. You could say after discussing with partner and considering your dogs, you can't accommodate her.

PyjamaFan · 25/08/2021 15:45

Does she expect you to pay for all her food too? And for her bf and dog?

MondayYogurt · 25/08/2021 15:45

Please look into building some self esteem/assertiveness. You have every right to boundaries. You do not need to exchange your boundaries and happiness for the benefit of someone else.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2021 15:45

@vixeyann

Please say no. You've outlined the anxiety it would cause you to say yes. You could say after discussing with partner and considering your dogs, you can't accommodate her.
She did say that
tickledtiger · 25/08/2021 15:46

Why can’t her family put her up?

frazzledasarock · 25/08/2021 15:47

She’s a crazy person.

I’ve got friends and family with houses with spare rooms. No way on earth would I expect them to put me and my pets up for an indefinite period of time for free. Especially when I’ve got a perfectly functioning home of my own.

The woman is a come plate cheeky fucker.

Hi put me up for however long I wish with my dog. For FREE!

God No, just no!

frazzledasarock · 25/08/2021 15:48

@tickledtiger

Why can’t her family put her up?
Possibly because she’s an entitled freeloading cheeky fucker with no end date!
CharityDingle · 25/08/2021 15:50

'Whilst I'm sure it would be lovely...' but you know it wouldn't.

And using a phrase like that which is completely the opposite to what you actually feel, sets up all kinds of stress for you.

ejhhhhh · 25/08/2021 15:50

Fing hell, she was expecting to move in AND not contribute anything?! That’s up there with the most CF thing ever.

Kisskiss · 25/08/2021 15:50

@islandhoppin

Sadly I think she's maybe being pushed onto us by family since we do have 3 spare rooms. Not that this should matter, but it does make me feel more guilty as it isn't as though I don't have the space. Mentally though I really can't.

I have responded:

'*, I have told you no and I'm afraid I am sticking to it. I don't want this to cause problems within our friendship, please respect my wishes. DP and I are in agreement about this and whilst I'm sure it would be lovely, I'm not in the right headspace for this right now and it would be so unfair on the dogs, all three of them. Thank you for understanding'

Perfect, well done for sticking up for yourself. A real friend wouldnt be trying to bully you into doing something you don’t want, hooe she’s just lost her head and will realise how bad a friend she’s being right now!
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