Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Wow - I would respond and say "you said you would do anything for me - what I am asking you to do for me is not to ask about coming to live with me because it will not be possible. Will you do that for me?"

I really don't think this woman is a true friend to you. She's a user and you're completely right to protect yourself.

Why is money going to be so tight during her move that she can't even pay her own bills? That is beyond a brass neck.

She's asking for something really big but seems to have no interest in whether it is even ok for you. There isn't even a "sorry, I know it's a big favor but it would really help me out." Instead it's "it would be great fun" even though you've already said it would make you miserable.

Have you been friends with this person for a long time? Has she always steamrolled over your boundaries like this? For me, spending a lot of time with someone like that would cause massive, ongoing anxiety, because I would just feel like I never had control over anything in my life.

The fact that she thinks "the boys will love it" makes it quite clear that she's planning on moving Smokey Joe full time into your place too!

Have you been friends with this person for a long time? Has she always steamrolled over your boundaries like this?

I’d like to know this.

She is being very unfair, and she is trying to control you.

I feel anxious just reading her messages OP - I can well understand how she is making you feel. But once you have stood up for yourself you will feel amazing. And I promise, it becomes addictive.

I wouldn't even worry about falling out at this point. I would just say "I have told you no repeatedly. You cannot come live here, it is not a good time for me and DP to have guests. I won't discuss it further."

If you feel your resolve weakening OP then could you ask your DP to phone your friend and tell her, politely, to back off? Obviously this only works if he can stand up to her pleadings. There's no shame in asking him to help you out, better that than have CF railroad you into letting her stay.

I can't believe she thinks it would be acceptable to not contribute financially during her, fictional, stay. If I were in her position I'd be offering to cook and clean and contribute anything I could in order to make it is easy as possible. But that is not how CFers work.

islandhopping, I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today.

I hope you do not agree to your friend moving in. From what you have said, you probably don't have a huge house and your friend, her partner and her dog would be 'living in' with you as opposed to renting a couple of rooms from a friend.

If it was just her, it might be different but her + boyfriend + dog is too much, you would feel like a lodger in your own home.

Please do tell your friend that you cannot accommodate all of them. For a start, you are only just house training your dog and I presume you don't know her partner that well - but he smokes indoors which you don't like.

Even her own parents won't have the dog.

Suggest they go to an estate agent and look for a short term rent. Her dog can go into a foster home or kennels, she can still see it, take it out for walks, etc.

Good luck.

OP you've done brilliantly to stand up to her pressure so far, the apple obviously doesn't fall far from the tree.

I assume you won't be using some of the (righteously) harsh responses on here. But how about "I'm so sorry I can't help" as a response. And just repeating that. NO EXPLANATION because if you explain she can argue.

Can't believe she actually thinks her crazy dog being upstairs is a solution. There's be no peace. So actually it's true, you CAN'T.

So she wants to move in while she finds somewhere but won’t even be contributing. You really do need to be more firm. Don’t apologise. “You’ve had my answer. It won’t be possible” don’t put anything in that she can twist or turn just be straight. I know it’s horrible being out in this position but if she was your friend she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Plus she didn’t even ask, just assumed. Stand your ground.

Is this for real?!
She's just not getting it, is she?

@islandhoppin

Another message:

'I can see you're online on Facebook right now so must be seeing my texts. I know I wouldn't be able to help contribute to rent or bills because money would be tight during the move and I need every penny for the new place, but I'd be here as a friend, it would be great fun living together for a few months don't you think?! The boys (meaning my DP and her BF I assume) will love it!'

Oh dear 😟

Dp and I are in agreement. I have already said no, but the fact you thought we'd have you here rent free has confirmed it's a definite no! Why are you assuming I can afford to give you a few months free board and why do you need to move when you already have a home? As I said, I don't want to fall out, but you are being unfair in expecting this much of me when I have already declined. cunt

Hold up so she wasn’t even going to pay towards rent either.

Her inability to accept no is really odd and not normal. It’s not a sign of a healthy friendship for someone not to accept a clear no.

I’d keep replies short from now on. “I’m sorry but not that won’t work for us”. If she keeps pushing maybe ask he “I’ve told you no…” that’s if you want to reply at all when she is being so pushy,

Op If this is the first time you have said no to this person stick to your guns. Also be fully expecting her to switch to shitty at any moment because she hasn’t got her way.

@islandhoppin Have you asked her why she needs to leave it and cannot stay in until sold? See what she says. I would reply with an I am very sorry but I have a reactive dog, and I really don't want to chance a possible fight. Also they are not allowed upstairs so it wouldn't be fair for them to see yours upstairs and them not.

Stand your ground, she is trying to wear you down!

Sadly I think she's maybe being pushed onto us by family since we do have 3 spare rooms. Not that this should matter, but it does make me feel more guilty as it isn't as though I don't have the space. Mentally though I really can't.

I have responded:

'*, I have told you no and I'm afraid I am sticking to it. I don't want this to cause problems within our friendship, please respect my wishes. DP and I are in agreement about this and whilst I'm sure it would be lovely, I'm not in the right headspace for this right now and it would be so unfair on the dogs, all three of them. Thank you for understanding'

Dearest @islandhoppin, at this point in her CF'ery I'd be sending:

"Actually I'm not on facebook at the moment, I'm on mumsnet discussing how best to get out of the corner you've put me in".

With a link to this thread...

She's not a friend Op - no true friend would put this pressure on you.

Keep saying no, this won't work for me. Repeat it as many times as you need to (or just block her!)

I would reply with a repeated set phrase.

You've said no.

Any further texts/messages/comments I would just repeat - I've said no. I do not want to discuss this any more.

If you want to keep her as a friend (can't think why) engage in other conversations. But frankly I think she's shown her true colours.

The dog issue alone would be enough to say no! Absolutely stick to your guns, you're doing the right thing.

If she keeps pushing this it’ll really damage your friendship

Unless you live in a mansion this would be awful.

That’s a great reply op. I really like the “thank you for your understanding.”;

If she doesn’t accept this then there really is an issue….either she’s more desperate than she’ll let on for some reason or she is just a piece. Of work who thinks she can pressure you into doing what she wants.

Op your last message is great, if she puts more pressure on, it's good enough to just copy and paste the same one again. Well done!

Maybe start sending “no” memes if she continues

It wouldn't matter if you had 10 spare rooms, if you don't want this to happen then stick to your guns. You've said 'no' several times now, so I wouldn't engage with her any further on this. As as PP said "if you're explaining, you're losing" ......