Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Oops sorry OP just saw your update that DP isnt happy either, that's good, she has no wiggle room there.
I wouldn't engage further now than one sentence answers "we still wont be able to do it, hope you find somewhere"

I've read the whole thread and I think the text that @MagnoliaBeige suggested would work well here:
“If you’d truly do anything for me, you’d stop trying to convince me when I’ve explained why it’s not possible. Trying to guilt me into changing my mind when I’ve already told you I’m struggling with my mental health is not going to work. For the sake of our friendship, please stop this.”

I'd also add - "I am actually gobsmacked that you've even had the gall to say that you wouldn't be able to contribute to the bills if the situation were different. So let me get this straight, you want to stay in my home, with your dog (and possibly your partner) and not contribute to the bills that you will be accumulating? Have I understood your nagging query correctly? Well instead of a no, have a HELL NO! for your efforts"

Do not worry about her. She is the epitome of a CFer!

What a CF. I'd send one more text with a firm no and then ignore any more texts she sends.

Phone her and have a conversation..texting is not the best way to sort this out!

I would be so annoyed if a friend did this. In fact I don’t have any friends that do. Find your anger op and tell her - as I’ve said before the answer is no, let’s leave it there and not mention it further, thanks. Anymore texts I would ignore. Unbelievable!

I wouldn’t ring as she’s likely to twist op with some sob stories. I think text is fine and more transactional which is needed right now

I hate that this should be necessary, but it's DP's home too, so if she still kicks off after the very brief response that many of us have suggested, I'd get him to point that out to her, and confirm that his answer is also no, so to leave you alone.

@olidora63

Phone her and have a conversation..texting is not the best way to sort this out!

Except that is the perfect way for CFer to twist things around and for someone who isn't good at confrontation or who is an easy target to have their minds changed. Texting, nice and clearly so there is no wiggle room, is the only way to deal with this CFer.

I agree @saraclara.

@islandhoppin

Maybe I am an easy target. Things like this really stress me out and I do struggle to assert myself.. I don't like to have to let anybody down but this just doesn't sit right with me. Having spoken to my fiancé, he really isn't happy about this either..

I don’t understand why you are not both livid. This is all very strange.

There's an expression along the lines of when you're explaining, you're losing. Dealing with someone like this, the more you explain, the more they will try to push their luck.
Give her a final answer, no, this is not happening. If needs be, say I have talked it over with X also, and we agree that this is not possible. Best of luck you freeloading wagon!

Speaking might be dangerous though. She may railroad the OP. At least by text she can be clear and there isn’t really anything to discuss. It’s a no, end of story, but I bet she calls the OP next.

So she wants you to pay all her bills for the few months she's with you! This just gets worse and worse.

No real friend would put such dreadful pressure on you. Very passive aggressive and deeply unfair!

Stop responding. Just because she messages you does not mean you have to answer. If you really feel she has to have a reply, ask your dh to do the message. It's his home too!

Just wanted to add a voice to the chorus of do not back down OP!!! If she's a true friend rather than a user, she will understand.

What an awful situation she's putting you in!

I can completely see why this is strange, I'm actually tying to get my head around it all myself, it's just bizarre and like I've said, I don't see a reason as to why she needs to leave her home whilst in the selling process.
I have been through the emotions now, yesterday when this first happened and I posted this thread, I was angry and anxious and everything rolled into one. I've cooled off a lot now.

@islandhoppin

Another message:

'I can see you're online on Facebook right now so must be seeing my texts. I know I wouldn't be able to help contribute to rent or bills because money would be tight during the move and I need every penny for the new place, but I'd be here as a friend, it would be great fun living together for a few months don't you think?! The boys (meaning my DP and her BF I assume) will love it!'

Oh dear 😟

‘DP agrees with me. Sounds like you’re best bet is to stay put until the house sells.’

Does her boyfriend really think he can move out of his parents’ house and into your spare room with her, free of charge?!

@olidora63

Phone her and have a conversation..texting is not the best way to sort this out!

Usually I would agree but OP clearly really struggles with asserting herself and this friend of hers definitely doesn't - I worry that when put on the spot, without time to think and consider what to say, OP would end up caving which would be such a shame.

Your DP would be justified in being very annoyed that she hasn't had the courtesy to ask him too. It's not all down to you, but she seems to see him as totally unimportant. I'd be firing of a message to her in his place. How dare she?

The fact that she's already causing this much stress & worry to you without even moving in should be all the confirmation you need that this will be a shit show. Text her back with a very firm "No, this is not something that will be possible. Please stop asking as I will not change my mind."

Just rinse and repeat

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Yes I know you’d do this for me. But right now. I can’t.

Rinse and repeat. Keep saying the same thing

So now she's just casually dropped in that she wouldn't be contributing towards bills or food or anything.
Wow 🙄

OP, can you imagine ANY scenario in which you’d invite yourself, your partner and your dog to live with someone else for an unspecified length of time, uninvited, and with no intention of contributing to costs?

It’s such a bizarre idea that the only response is bafflement and a big ‘of course not’. This is so far from anything a friend would normally expect, unless they’d been evicted and the only other option was sleeping on the street.

Find your anger at investing any time in such a cheeky, rude and presumptuous woman and tell her to leave the subject well alone from right now, or you'll block her.

@BlackShadowCat

Speaking might be dangerous though. She may railroad the OP. At least by text she can be clear and there isn’t really anything to discuss. It’s a no, end of story, but I bet she calls the OP next.

I agree. Talking on the phone or in person will result in tears and being beaten down. The OP needs to put a stop to this now, using one of the many useful replies on this thread, using only the written word.

@islandhoppin I would block your "friend's" phone number before she tries to ring you and bully you.

Get on Google and find the word NO in a couple of dozen languages.
Text her your findings

Ask her outright what is going on and why she can't stay where she is.