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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
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7
MinnieGirl · 25/08/2021 14:31

@islandhoppin

The problem is I really don't think there is a good enough reason. She seems to think her being out of the house will help sell it faster. But like I say, I do believe her family member may be putting pressure onto her for wanting their cut of the house.
She’s causing anxiety and stress and she hasn’t moved in…….

This has to be a big no.

And you don’t have to give reasons. Just repeat, parrot fashion. We are not able to accommodate you.

MumDad1958 · 25/08/2021 14:31

Oh please don't crumble. She is not a true friend. A genuine friend would not be putting this pressure on you. It shouldn't matter whether you have 1 spare room or 20 spare rooms - no means no & she should respect this!

AuntMasha · 25/08/2021 14:32

@islandhoppin

Thank you. I'm still a little shocked at what she's said. I don't get what she means by 'knowing what I'm like' it's like I'm some kind of ticking time bomb or something, or my feelings are invalid. Maybe I'm reading too much into it..
That little sentence at the end of her text is what is known as ‘baiting’. It’s to ‘punish’ you, OP.

Because you established a boundary.

People such as this ‘friend’ do not respect boundaries.

JedEye · 25/08/2021 14:33

Give her time to reflect..

howtodealwithit · 25/08/2021 14:33

@islandhoppin

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious. This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

There is absolutely nothing selfish about wanting to look after your own mental health! Thanks
JacquelineCarlyle · 25/08/2021 14:34

@Confusedandshaken

Reply and say "i know you would which is making saying no very difficult. I'm not doing this lightly. I really value you and our friendship but I just don't feel able to do do this for you. I hope it won't come between us'.
I think this is the perfect response. Stay strong Op!
Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 14:34

That message is so emotionally manipulative.

The thing it is….it doesn’t matter even if she would do it for you…your under no obligation. It sounds like she isn’t even in desperate need of somewhere. Not likes she’ll be on the streets.

The dynamic between you both seems odd. You should be able to say no to a good friend.

RandomMess · 25/08/2021 14:35

"DP and I have agreed it wouldn't work"

And repeat every time.

Irishmom7 · 25/08/2021 14:36

I’m so sorry your friend doesn’t understand “no”. You might need some distance from her. I hope you stand your ground and don’t Allow yourself to be bullied in this way. Be strong!

Window1 · 25/08/2021 14:36

@islandhoppin

My DP and I are also in the midst of trying to plan our wedding, constantly out for meetings etc with our suppliers and venue. I feel like I'd have stress from all directions.
You are being entirely reasonable, which is clearly proven with the unanimous responses you've received on this thread.

Yes your friend does know what you're like, possibly thinks of you as a bit of a push over and doesn't like it not you are rightly enforcing a boundary.

Stay strong. Do not let her cross it. You're right that the stress would be compounded if she was living with you. Do not let that happen.

Ikeepbuyinganimals · 25/08/2021 14:36

Be strong, your home is your home and any invasion has to have a clear end in sight. "I'm sorry xxx, I'd say yes if it was an emergency and just a couple of nights but the extra dog makes a huge difference in the decision and just won't work for that length of term". Although, this friend seems really very pushy so even one night could be a week and become awkward to remove...

Justmuddlingalong · 25/08/2021 14:36

Don't reply, it'll encourage back and forth messages. You've made your decision and she has to accept that.

annacondom · 25/08/2021 14:37

She is trying it for size - don't ask, don't get. I don't suppose she will be remotely surprised if you say you've talked it over with your DP and have decided that having someone else living with you wouldn't work. You could maybe offer to store some of her stuff for a while?

Iamclaracowbell · 25/08/2021 14:38

I wouldn't normally advocate this as it's a bit of a copout but it sounds like she's not going to listen....can you not use the 'I've spoken to DP and he says no sorry, we cannot accomodate you', or would she try and work on him as well? He (assume it's a he?) lives there too and has a say in who comes to stay, I know my DH would hate any of my friends staying off weeks on end - he wouldn't say no if it was important to me but the slightest indication it wasn't what I really wanted and he'd be dead against it.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 25/08/2021 14:38

She shouldn't be pressuring you in this way. Could you not reply to her something like this:
"I know you would do the same if I asked you, but also I know that if you told me you were currently struggling and needed your home space and privacy and weren't able to give it up to have other people and a dog staying for an indefinite period, I would understand you and look for a different solution. Also, you do actually have a roof over your head at the moment, and, indeed, till the property has been sold - is there a particular reason you must leave it before it has been sold?"

FilledSoda · 25/08/2021 14:39

Sometimes it's better not to overly explain yourself, it gives the impression it's up for debate .
The answer is no and that's it.

MagnoliaBeige · 25/08/2021 14:41

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

I’d reply with “If you’d truly do anything for me, you’d stop trying to convince me when I’ve explained why it’s not possible. Trying to guilt me into changing my mind when I’ve already told you I’m struggling with my mental health is not going to work. For the sake of our friendship, please stop this.”
Figgygal · 25/08/2021 14:43

Her refusal to take no for an answer is really out of order

Flobbertybillop · 25/08/2021 14:44

She sounds really manipulative and selfish. You’ve given very good reasons why it’s a no, stick to your guns.

Dontbeme · 25/08/2021 14:45

You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you

Christ she sounds like my sister when she wants her own way, (by bulldozing over everyone else) she will have a list of things she would do to help in any scenario, the only problem being she never does anything to help in you need anything. It's all purely hypothetical, she thinks she should get the credit for saying she would do something but never actually following through.

That nasty little comment that "knows what your like" is designed to get you doubting yourself, that in your anxiety you are "confused" or not thinking rationally or clearly. Don't even bother replying to this message if she texts again just a simple "the answer is still no"

Keep strong @islandhoppin if you waver at all her, the dog and her boyfriend will all be living with you full time with no end in sight. I noticed she never mentioned anything about paying rent and her share of bills either, she's after a free ride.

DifferentHair · 25/08/2021 14:45

You don't need her agreement OP. Stop discussing it with her.

saraclara · 25/08/2021 14:48

"If you want to be a real best friend please stop trying to guilt trip me into this. It wouldn't work for many reasons and you should respect my decision."
Yep, that.

olidora63 · 25/08/2021 14:48

This is clearly really upsetting you and I think the anxiety of texting doesn’t help…give her a call and have a proper conversation about it.💐

cactijones · 25/08/2021 14:49

I actually can't believe the cheek of her. She sends you a breezy can I come and live with you text when she has absolutely no reason to leave her current house then gets offended when you say no! CF at its finest

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 14:49

Another message:

'I can see you're online on Facebook right now so must be seeing my texts. I know I wouldn't be able to help contribute to rent or bills because money would be tight during the move and I need every penny for the new place, but I'd be here as a friend, it would be great fun living together for a few months don't you think?! The boys (meaning my DP and her BF I assume) will love it!'

Oh dear 😟

OP posts: