Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Just block her

You need to be blunt.
I've said no. Please respect that and don't ask me again.

OP, she is one freeloading, selfish CF.

She is NOT a friend.

You need to be blunter OP
“It’s not happening, you would be better off using your energy to find somewhere else instead of badgering me. I won’t change my mind”.

WHAT! Now she's doing you a favour to leach off you and mess with both your home and mental health because it would be fun. Fun for her maybe, sounds like hell on earth for you.

So they’re both planning to live with you for free, potentially doubling your outgoings for utilities, for an indefinite period until the house sells and until they find another.

I reckon you need to send what a pp suggested, about if she was a true friend she would respect your decision.

And she's your best friend? I'd be looking for a new one she's a CF and clearly has no respect for you or your DP!

Don't acknowledge that "she would do the same for you" cos really.... Would she?
Don't agree that most people would say yes to a mate moving in.

Leave her to stew.
If she contacts you again, just say that you've already said No twice so no reason to continue the discussion

@islandhoppin

Another message:

'I can see you're online on Facebook right now so must be seeing my texts. I know I wouldn't be able to help contribute to rent or bills because money would be tight during the move and I need every penny for the new place, but I'd be here as a friend, it would be great fun living together for a few months don't you think?! The boys (meaning my DP and her BF I assume) will love it!'

Oh dear 😟

She needs to back off, the brass neck of her!

I’d stop responding to text messages and phone her or ask her to call you when she is available. It’s easy to ambush people by text! She’s trying to guilt trip you and no friend should do this!

"You are not staying here so please stop trying to guilt me into changing my mind, my DP and I are in agreement on this. And if you thought telling me you won't be able to contribute to living costs was going to change my mind then you are completely delusional!"

Wow!!
Just repeat that no you can’t do it right now. Don’t give problems for her to ‘solve’ like the dog. She isn’t giving your feelings any consideration while she piles on the emotional blackmail so why do you care so much about hers.

Just text back:

“I’ve said no. That’s my final answer. If you’re my friend you’ll stop asking”.

Then her actions will tell you all you need to know on who she is.

If she was a real friend she would not dream of doing this to you

She’s just a pusher, pushing other people’s boundaries

Say no no no

Say your mental health is shit, you can’t handle it. A REAL friend would not push on. A user would.

@VillanellesOrangeCoat

So they’re both planning to live with you for free, potentially doubling your outgoings for utilities, for an indefinite period until the house sells and until they find another.

I reckon you need to send what a pp suggested, about if she was a true friend she would respect your decision.

Exactly what a flipping cheek!! I won't be able to pay anything, erm.... what?!! What gives her the right to be a free loader!

I'd send one last message along the lines of...

"You're not listening to me. I've said no for perfectly valid reasons. You cannot stay with us for your convenience when it would massively inconvenience us. A friend wouldn't keep applying pressure like this, please stop asking"

Then if necessary, block. She's not a friend if she can't respect how you feel. You've already admitted that if it were a serious reason for needing emergency accommodation like fleeing abuse you'd find a way to help, but she literally wants to use you for free accomodation with zero consideration for your house rules or personal feelings. That isn't a friend, please don't let yourself be used.

oh my god it gets worse, she isn't even offering to help with the bills during her stay!

Is she for real? This message has just given me the rage on your behalf. She's a manipulative, user! You have to now bite the bullet, tell her to Fuck Off, then delete/block her. You have to consider yourself & what this is doing to your MH!

I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

No, she's totally missing the point here.

It's got fuck all to do with how she feels being around you when you're down.

It's about your feelings, you don't want anyone around while you're feeling down and anxious.

Any normal human being would understand that.

Either she's monumentally self absorbed or she's twisting things to try to get her own way.

You're doing the right thing by telling her no. She obviously has no respect for your boundaries, it's all about what she wants.

I have friends who are pretty self centred but I love them anyway.

Mumsnet will probably tell you she's not a friend etc etc, but beware of the shit stirrers here who see everything in black and white and will enjoy turning your life into a soap opera for their entertainment.

It's up to you if you want her to be your friend or not.

With my pushy friends, I've learnt to have strong boundaries and they're still my friends as they've come to learn to respect that even if it's not in their nature!

Try not to let it upset you. Tell her you're not enjoying her repeatedly asking you, you don't want other peopel round and definitely not her DP, as you don't feel up to it. You won't be persuaded so please can she drop it.

And if you're feelign concilliatory, ask her why she's having to move out and if there's anything else you can do to help. (Or if you can't be arseed, then don't!)

“I’ve said no. That’s my final answer. If you’re my friend you’ll stop asking”.

Seriously send this.

Do not back down, she's stressing you out already and she's not even there!! She's a cheeky fucker and she's emotionally blackmailing you.

And don't say sorry. You said it to start with and she's been dismissive of your 'no'.

She's now trying to pressure you by letting you know she's looking at when you're online etc.

Imagine living with her or trying to get her to leave?! Not a fucking chance!

Do not back down

@islandhoppin

Another message:

'I can see you're online on Facebook right now so must be seeing my texts. I know I wouldn't be able to help contribute to rent or bills because money would be tight during the move and I need every penny for the new place, but I'd be here as a friend, it would be great fun living together for a few months don't you think?! The boys (meaning my DP and her BF I assume) will love it!'

Oh dear 😟

I’m struggling to believe that anyone would be friends with someone like this.

Just reply, ‘DH and I are in agreement, the answer is no. Please don’t ask again.’

Never mind the dogs, what about your DP? Utter piss taker

Don't fall for the "I can't afford to pay you" line.

This is so you say No cos she won't pay you, then she can say, alright ill WILL pay you, when can I pick up the keys?

“I’ve said no. That’s my final answer. If you’re my friend you’ll stop asking”.

This ^^ is the only answer you need to give.

She is only bombarding you because she thinks you are an easy target and will back down.
Why can't she stay in her own home or move in with her boyfriend or her family?

@KindergartenKop

Just say no.

This, imagine you were not a dog person and were allergic.