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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MzHz · 25/08/2021 14:10

@Chickydoo

There is more to this than meets the eye from her side. Tell her she can stay but absolutely not her dog. Or no DP coming & going. Very unfair of her to pressure you.
No, because the dog is only PART of why @islandhoppin doesnt want this. Give people like this 'friend' an inch... she'd have the dog in, coming and going of the boyf.

No.

No IS a complete response.

CharityDingle · 25/08/2021 14:12

@Confusedandshaken

Reply and say "i know you would which is making saying no very difficult. I'm not doing this lightly. I really value you and our friendship but I just don't feel able to do do this for you. I hope it won't come between us'.
No. All that the 'friend' will see there, is an opportunity to keep pushing.
VinylCafe · 25/08/2021 14:12

@jeaux90

I would say "this isn't a negotiation, I can't do it. I also don't understand why you wouldn't stay in your own home until it's sold like everyone else does. I love you but you can't make this my problem right now."

This!

If his parents said no because of the dog, why can't you?

Don't let her use your friendship to walk all over you.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 14:12

Thank you. I'm still a little shocked at what she's said. I don't get what she means by 'knowing what I'm like' it's like I'm some kind of ticking time bomb or something, or my feelings are invalid. Maybe I'm reading too much into it..

OP posts:
debwong · 25/08/2021 14:13

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

What a manipulator.

Stick to your guns.

Sacreblue · 25/08/2021 14:14

Something like:

Dear friend, I don’t want this to be the cause of me feeling down and anxious which it absolutely would be. It’s not possible, I have given it every consideration, and it’s still not possible.

I damaged my relationship with a sibling by staying with them when, in hindsight, it was neither a good time for their family, nor me.

It was repaired ofc but avoidable by taking a step back and more personal responsibility for myself

I would have been cross/upset at a No at the time but it might have been a better option than us both being cross/upset later on!

Sometimes the best help is letting someone take responsibility for their own life.

I mean most of us can recognise what damage pandering/martyring can do each in their own way.

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 14:16

@Chickydoo

There is more to this than meets the eye from her side. Tell her she can stay but absolutely not her dog. Or no DP coming & going. Very unfair of her to pressure you.
What?

Why would/should OP tell her she can stay? Have you read the thread?

thewreckofthehesperus · 25/08/2021 14:17

I think her last reply is very telling, quite narcissistic actually.
'I would be happy to be there while you are feeling down' Shes incapable of looking at it from your point of view, your feelings aren't important. Your unhappiness wouldn't affect her so she can't see a problem.

'I know what you're like' this is irrelevant really, I have close family and friends who I love but I would find it quite challenging moving someone into mine and my partners space. I paid my dues in house shares and at the grand old age of 38 I am never going back to that point if I can help it. On top of that it's your partners home too, I would be really annoyed if my partner came to me proposing a friend was to come to live with us for an undetermined amount of time and knowing it could be a year or longer!

She's being really dense and unkind here. Stick to your guns, if she keeps pushing this you'll know how much of a friend she really is. You are not the unreasonable one here, hold onto that!

LH1987 · 25/08/2021 14:17

You should not feel obligated to do this at all! Yes if it was a couple of nights in an emergency but not for months on end!

Though I would cut her some slack on the ‘I know what you’re like comment’, she is probably under stress and spoke poorly.

You have shown great strength and self awareness in saying no, I hope you feel proud of yourself.

PragmaticWench · 25/08/2021 14:19

Surely if she knows you so well, she will know that you've considered it deeply and haven't said no lightly. Therefore she needs to stop pushing.

guerrillagirl · 25/08/2021 14:20

“I’m sorry, I can’t.” Keep repeating til she gets the message. I struggle with anxiety too and I’m very territorial about my space - you need to look after yourself first!

BlackShadowCat · 25/08/2021 14:20

I’d probably say something like “As a friend, I hope you can understand why I am saying no. I’m sure you will find somewhere else to stay. Let’s just leave things there xx”. Definitely don’t get into reasons, she won’t let this drop just no, no, no.

Peach1886 · 25/08/2021 14:21

that's why she's said it @islandhoppin, to unsettle you (even more) and make you think the problem is with you.

It's not. I promise.

Your reasons for not wanting her to move in are perfectly valid. Even if you just didn't want her to (without all of the reasons) that would still be perfectly valid.

Years ago I found out that my supposed best friend wasn't the person I thought she was; it hurt a lot but in the long term I am glad I realised, as her behaviour was perpetuating some of the things I was struggling with - anxiety and doubting myself, just like you are.

This woman does not deserve your friendship, she is taking advantage of it - do not give in Flowers

BlackShadowCat · 25/08/2021 14:22

It’s also telling that she’d literally do anything for you except respect your decision to say no.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 25/08/2021 14:22

Dont engage further. Its a no. Cheeky mare can rent somewhere on short term lease. Dog may be a problem....

Chewbecca · 25/08/2021 14:24

I think you need to speak, f2f about it, not text.

Personally I would consider her staying, on her own, with no dogs or partner IF there was a v good reason why she needed that.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 14:25

The problem is I really don't think there is a good enough reason. She seems to think her being out of the house will help sell it faster. But like I say, I do believe her family member may be putting pressure onto her for wanting their cut of the house.

OP posts:
AngelPrint · 25/08/2021 14:26

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

Best friends don’t do this to each other or pressure each other into things they don’t want to do. I’m sorry OP but she’s not a good friend and you need to tell her your answer is final.

If she’ll disregard your feelings now, think how bad it’ll be when she’s living under your roof.

lovemelongtime · 25/08/2021 14:26

You say you would feel bad saying no without a valid reason - well actually you have several valid reasons.

Explain that this really isnt a good time for you and whilst you would love to help you are sorry but, mental health, dog, partner all mean it really isnt possible at the moment.

Be firm and clear - not ambiguous - if she is a good friend she will understand,

CharityDingle · 25/08/2021 14:28

Stay strong, OP.

CaveMum · 25/08/2021 14:28

@islandhoppin

Thank you. I'm still a little shocked at what she's said. I don't get what she means by 'knowing what I'm like' it's like I'm some kind of ticking time bomb or something, or my feelings are invalid. Maybe I'm reading too much into it..
At the risk of being over generous to your CF friend, I actually read "knowing what you're like" as meaning that she understands you and knows how to be around you when you are down/anxious. If that is what she meant then it's clumsily worded at best.

All that said, you are still well within your rights to say no to her. If you feel like you can't ignore her last message then I would reply with something like:

"Thanks and I appreciate that. However we are not in a position to have anyone to stay so you need to look for alternative arrangements."

Stay strong!

GladAllOver · 25/08/2021 14:28

It's NO of course, but don't use the dog as the excuse because they might decide to farm the dog off to someone else and then say they have sorted the problem and will move in.

Give them all the reasons you gave us at the start, politely but firmly.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 14:29

My DP and I are also in the midst of trying to plan our wedding, constantly out for meetings etc with our suppliers and venue. I feel like I'd have stress from all directions.

OP posts:
NorthernBirdAtHeart · 25/08/2021 14:30

Having RTHT, I’m shocked that a so called ‘best friend’ would do this to you. Asking, albeit in the way she did, is one thing. Your response was perfectly reasonable. But her reply, for me, would be the end of our friendship. Absolute cheeky, manipulative cow-bag.

Stay strong and do not allow yourself to be bullied into agreeing OP. x

CharityDingle · 25/08/2021 14:30

@lovemelongtime

You say you would feel bad saying no without a valid reason - well actually you have several valid reasons.

Explain that this really isnt a good time for you and whilst you would love to help you are sorry but, mental health, dog, partner all mean it really isnt possible at the moment.

Be firm and clear - not ambiguous - if she is a good friend she will understand,

OP has already explained, more than enough, imo.

This is not a good friend, this is someone who wants their own way, regardless of the impact on others.