Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

- I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues

I have a dog that is territorial too, and for that reason alone I would have to say no to such a request from someone bringing a dog with them - they wouldn't cope, and (while lovely out in the park) he'd fight the other dog at any opportunity. I'd need baby gates with a no-mans-land inbetween the two, and no direct line of sight... and ddog would still be upset.

Blame it on your own dogs not being able to cope with sharing their space and consequential welfare issues.

"Apparently you'll do anything for me - except respect my boundaries. I have already told you no TWICE and you continue to attempt to override my boundaries. The more you push the firmer my no becomes. Stop asking. I will not respond to any further messages on the subject, because I have made my decision and communicated it to you."

The fact she refuses to accept your no demonstrates that living together would be a terrible idea.

It’s so bizarre as she’s acting like it’s emergency and she’s stuck in an impossible situation but hasn’t even told you why she needs to move out?!

You need to tell her my best friend would respect my answer and not try to emotionally manipulate me.

I’m confused why you’re so torn… you just say no.

Sorry, just re-read the thread.

Agree with keeping your boundaries.

It is really sad sometimes when you lose a friend but this could be make or break time.

Jesus christ, your 'friend' is deluded.

She’s not as good if a friend as she believed herself to be in afraid.

Ignore her text OP.

Not your problem.

I wouldn't do it either, my safe space is too precious.

I think this is an opportunity for you to gently put an end to this friendship, OP because really, she’s not behaving like a friend but a manipulator. I expect you’re an empathetic, kind, giving person in real life and kind, sympathetic people are like magnets to users and manipulators with no boundaries.

I'd text one last time.

"Stop it friend, you are embarrassing yourself."

Say no
Talk to her about some of the things you told us ....

It was fine to ask.
But it's unreasonable to continue to press the issue after someone has said no - and it doesn't matter why they said no. No is enough.

Oh wow, her answers have been so interesting. It's like you're getting a heavy-duty, full-on life's lesson in saying no (once wasn't enough, apparently), protecting your boundaries (she's still pushing, and sticking to your guns (you may have to keep this up for a few more texts.) But on the positive side, you've done brilliantly so far, and will GET THROUGH THIS. Keep strong and sending much support xxx

She is no friend trying to force you.

Sorry OP, this is not a friend.

Just reply I know you're my best friend, thanks for understanding why it's not possible, I'm glad this isn't going go cause issues.

Reply and say "i know you would which is making saying no very difficult. I'm not doing this lightly. I really value you and our friendship but I just don't feel able to do do this for you. I hope it won't come between us'.

Okay, now it’s way past time to say to her ‘you’ve made me feel really uncomfortable with all this pressure, I think we should take some space for a while. Hope you get sorted, take care’

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

She's playing you

any normal person (a) would not have asked in the first place, and not like she did.

(b) would have thanked you for your reply and left it there

The fact that she has now sent multiple messages is really boiling my piss.

You are going to have to be a little clearer and firmer.

"This is not something I am able to agree to, and so for that reason it's a no. Don't make this into an issue by trying to push me into it, you've asked, I've said "sorry, no", that should be the end of the subject.

There is more to this than meets the eye from her side.
Tell her she can stay but absolutely not her dog. Or no DP coming & going.
Very unfair of her to pressure you.

You should reply, 'Thanks so much for understanding, this is why we're such good friends, what areas will you consider, just a room? 1 bed? I'll start having a hunt for you`

Also... think about this

If she would do anything for you, if she were your 'BFF' surely she wouldn't be pressuring you like this.

IME people who put you under pressure to help them like this are the very LAST to step up for others.

Ignore. The more you explain, the more she will push.

If there is a risk that she will arrive at your door, and try to pretty much force her way in, be prepared for that too.

@Chickydoo

There is more to this than meets the eye from her side. Tell her she can stay but absolutely not her dog. Or no DP coming & going. Very unfair of her to pressure you.

No, no, no. If she gets in, the dog and partner will get in too.