Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

When I’m feeling down and anxious, the last thing I want is a friend who isn’t listening to me, a poorly behaved dog and a man who smokes in my house.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

CFs are always hugely generous about what they would do for you, so long as it stays hypothetical.

Wow this just hit me between the eyes , so simple and so unbelievably and always true

I would say "this isn't a negotiation, I can't do it. I also don't understand why you wouldn't stay in your own home until it's sold like everyone else does. I love you but you can't make this my problem right now."

What a chancer.

She has zero self respect for herself or you.

What a pushy user.

I have had a few situations when people have found the words "No that doesn't suit me" difgicult to accept.

I just ceased to reply at a certain point.

I suggest you stop replying.

Someone so presumptuous and pushy would be a nightmare to live with.

The presumption that you would want dogs up in your bed is unbelievably.

Lots of dog owners have a no upstairs rule.

She has a house?!! Do not be bullied into this. she is not homeless. She can get a house share somewhere if she desperately cannot live in her own house which is very odd.

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

This reminds me of people that can’t drive who say on posts that they themselves would be happy to drive noisy/smelly/bitchy/horrible people to work and back every day without asking for petrol money and would be HAPPY to do it forever, without needing any thanks

@TwoMountains

Well done for standing firm OP.

Hopefully she won’t try you again, but if she does I’d just keep the reply short, along the lines of “I’ve already said this won’t work for us, please don’t ask again”.
Given her first reply about keeping her dog upstairs (!) I’d guess she’s the sort to try and argue you out of any reasons you give for not wanting her there, so better to just avoid any discussion about it at all if you can.

I’m also confused about why her staying at her own house isn’t an option - most people stay in their houses until they’re sold after all - but it might be best to avoid asking in case she takes that as an opening to try and talk her way into your spare room again.

This! Keep strong OP

stay strong OP. her last message to you really showed her true colours - the emotional blackmail is appalling. you deserve better.

That is so horribly manipulative. A real friend wouldn't do that.

Where is your DP in all this? If you tell her that he is also saying no she might stop harassing you about it.

(not that you should have to bring him into this but it might shut things down)

I'd stop replying now. She asked you answered. She isn't homeless

"Stop trying to guilt trip me"

I'd send her one last reply: if you would do anything for me , then stop pushing this , I've given you my answer and it's final. I will not be discussing this with you any further.

"this is not up for discussion. Please respect my boundaries."

Oh my god wtaf!!!
Tell her to fuck off!!!

"As you say you'd do anything for me then please respect my decision, it's a no and that's not going to change."

You’ve done very well. I’d just ignore last message.

Just say no, she is not in need she is in want and there is a big difference.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh OP. If this ends the friendship it won't be a huge loss I don't think. Friends don't emotionally blackmail each other.

Reply that you would never ask this of her, especially as there's already been a no.
A good friend would respect that.

Friend, it is not possible for you or anyone else to stay with me. Do not take it personally, and think about me, not you.

On another note, with a friend like this who needs enemies? If she continued to beg, plead, harrass, manipulate I would ditch her and block messages. Better out of your life than in it. What is she adding to your life in general, if she is so self absorbed. Meh, no friend at all, just a user.

But most people would not have the cheek to ask this of anyone anyway.

I agree with the posters saying that if she really cared about your friendship, she would not have come back trying to change your mind.

@islandhoppin

Thanks all. I just feel awful saying no.. like I say, if I needed her without a doubt she would let me stay. I feel I'm at a divergent point in my life than she is. I feel selfish saying no with no valid reason, as we have got the room here and don't use the spare rooms. But I just don't think I could hack it.

No, you are being very reasonable and thoughtful.

Issue you have is being okay with what you give as a 'valid' reason.

What have you said so far?

Be honest about it. Without making excuses or apologising for yourself.

How about

'Its been a tough eighteen months with Covid and pandemic, it has affected my mental and physical health and sorry, but i don't think I could hack it...?'

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

“I know, Friend - and I love that you would. But I can’t, as I said. I’m sorry I can’t do it, but no is my final answer. It’s DP’s house too and he agrees. Let’s not fall out.”

Oh dear. It sounds like she is really stuck but stick to your guns. 'I know you would do anything for me and I would for you but this is a level that I really can't go to right now. Please don't make me feel worse by asking again'.

A good friend would not keep asking this of you! Hold firm OP, she's not considering your feelings at all. I'd be rethinking the friendship in your shoes, unless she's in dire straits and she's not revealed all the details to you.