Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Well done for standing firm OP.

Hopefully she won’t try you again, but if she does I’d just keep the reply short, along the lines of “I’ve already said this won’t work for us, please don’t ask again”.
Given her first reply about keeping her dog upstairs (!) I’d guess she’s the sort to try and argue you out of any reasons you give for not wanting her there, so better to just avoid any discussion about it at all if you can.

I’m also confused about why her staying at her own house isn’t an option - most people stay in their houses until they’re sold after all - but it might be best to avoid asking in case she takes that as an opening to try and talk her way into your spare room again.

Well done for saying no. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

I wouldn't. Too many issues like the dog and partner, a recipe for disaster.

Has she acknowledged your most recent reply?

I’ve been in precarious housing predicaments and my friend offered if I wanted to live with her and her dp. I said no. I would have loved to but I valued our friendship to much to get into a situation where she felt obliged to support me etc
I can’t believe she’s had the audacity to ask a second time and expects you to allow a dog to live upstairs. Madness. No wonder all her other options said no.
She can look for a short term let or appeal to her family again.

If she can’t take no for an answer about moving in in the first place-imagine how difficult it could be to get her out!

This is key and so true

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

I'd just ignore it.

Why can't she stay put until the property is sold, then move - like most people do?

"But still I say no!"

Oh well, not a true friend at all is she? "If you want to be a real best friend please stop trying to guilt trip me into this. It wouldn't work for many reasons and you should respect my decision."
You might lose a friend but you know what? If she moved in I'm betting you'd lose her anyway. It would be chaos, stress and you'd fall out big time.

"The answer is no. Please don't ask me again."

CFs are always hugely generous about what they would do for you, so long as it stays hypothetical.

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

oh she's gone down the emotional blackmail route, that's low.

"If you would do anything for me, as my best friends I'm asking you to respect my answer here. I can not accommodate you"

"If you want to be a real best friend please stop trying to guilt trip me into this. It wouldn't work for many reasons and you should respect my decision."

This is good - please use this! I'd add "I'm not going to discuss this again" to the end of it.

Think she probably has to move out to get the place deep cleaned and dog/fag smells removed.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

CFs are always hugely generous about what they would do for you, so long as it stays hypothetical.

OMG, that is so true, it's really struck me.

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

She isn't your friend. Friends do not do this. She is a chancer.

I can’t believe she replied that. So emotionally manipulative and entitled.

Really hope you’re ok OP.

Stick to your guns.

Well yes, quite - if she would "do anything for you", surely that would include respecting your wishes, respecting your home, respecting your mental health, not using emotional blackmail on you, and not upsetting you by steamrolling over your feelings!

“I wouldn’t ask you to put up with me and my dog full time for months also for my partner coming back and forth for months. I wouldn’t ask that of you. Even if I said yes your dog couldn’t come. How would you feel about that”?
Can’t believe she assumed she’d be going to you !

"If you would do anything for me, as my best friends I'm asking you to respect my answer here. I can not accommodate you"

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone - I have had a reply:

'You know without a doubt that I'd do this for you. You're literally my best friend, I'd do anything for you. I would be happy to be there when you are feeling down and anxious, I know what you're like'

Just ignore it.

She's not respecting your boundaries. It doesn't deserve a response.

Not only is she not a friend, she's most certainly not your best friend!

"I know what you're like"

Ok, this is just nasty.

"You know I would if I could, but at the moment I'm unable to welcome you into my home. Please don't try to guilt-trip or coerce me into changing my mind on that."