Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

PS. I also have anxiety issues, OP, and you really do have to put your own mental health and wellbeing first. I said No to a friend who asked me to be a referee for her citizenship application form, and wanted me to lie. She cut off our friendship but my feeling is that I don't need friends like that. And you deserve better too.

I think the concerns about your dogs are reason enough to say sorry, it won't work.

@FetchezLaVache

If she comes back to you again, just ask her why on earth she feels she has to vacate her own house before it's sold - I expect you're right and that her family are trying to push her out and onto you.

I wouldn't get into that, tbh. Just no, and then stop engaging, if she does keep pushing.

Cheeky fucker to keep pushing after you told her no. Along with others in the thread I'm also confused as to why she needs to move out while the house is on the market, by the sounds of her she doesn't seem like a person who'd be pushed out of her own house by someone

As PP have said, just ignore any more texts re: moving in with you.
You have done the right thing and you do not need to give an excuse.A true friend would understand…. And probably wouldn’t even ask in the first place.
Well done for asserting yourself and it will become easier to do that in future.

Stay firm remember if you take her and the dog in the partner will more than likely come too.

If she pushes you need to tell her to stop asking because the answer will always be no.

“Oh, friend, LOL, much as I love you this really has to be a no from me. We can’t have another dog in the house, yours won’t be happy with our ‘not upstairs’ rule, and ours is too neurotic, abd I just can’t cope with another one under my feet. And with more people coming and going, including no doubt your DP, my mental health and OCD are just not in the right state at the moment. It’s not you, it’s that I need my house to be completely my space in order to function. So have to say this won’t work. I hope you can find an alternative. “

This.

I think this situation has potential to end in a fall out….. either because she moved in and it all goes tits up, or you say no and she get the hump with you. So you may as well save yourself the hassle and stress of them living with you and stand your ground!

Well done for saying no, OP. Stick to your boundaries! This woman isn't destitute. If she gives you grief for saying no, she's not a friend.

Hey, @islandhoppin, can I come and live with you as well? I have a doubly incontinent old cat who bites, a flatulent partner who constantly has a cigar on the go, and fleas. Also, I'll need to bring my drumkit as I have just started learning and need to practise. My house is fine, but I have to pay for my own food here so I thought I'd just stroll into your home like an arrogant tom cat and help myself. That's alright isn't it?

Even if you did not have the health issues you describe, the noisy truck, dogs and smoking would be enough to say no. Please stick to your guns.

definite no. If shes a decent friend she will understand - if not -then she really isn't your friend.

Keep your answers short.
Sorry , but the answer has to be no, You know my health conditions and I just can't risk it.
Why not just stay put, till the house is sold?

Well done OP. It sounds like that was a really difficult thing for you to do but you did it.
Some people just take advantage, they are selfish and don't consider the people they are putting out.
Don't feel bad for asserting your boundaries. If she falls out with you over this then you know she isn't really a true friend anyway.

If she can’t take no for an answer about moving in in the first place-imagine how difficult it could be to get her out!

It's good that she's asked via text, much easier as it gave you time to formulate a reply.
I would expect her next approach to be asking you face to face or on the phone. That's harder but you've already made your position clear.

Remember, this is not your problem to solve.

Haven't RTFT yet, but absolutely say no!!! This isn't an emergency - she has choices!! Just because they may not be her preferred choice doesn't mean they're not valid. Would she not be better getting a short term let in the meantime?

I'm absolutely happy to have guests and have have my best friend to stay before when she was going through a breakup. She was honestly the best guest ever, but it absolutely changes the dynamics in the house and it doesn't sound like that would be suitable for you, even before you get to the dog situation and her partner etc!!

Honestly, just say no, no equivocation, and she can go with one of her alternative options. Best to be upfront as it means she won't just hang on to wait for you to change your mind if you're waffly about it at first!

A polite refusal.

Stop trying to solve her problem.
Just say no. Don't offer solutions.

And whatever future responses you send - check them first for 'sorry' and remove the 'sorry'. You've done nothing wrong and it makes it sound like there's room for you to be manipulated or persuaded. You sound lovely, she sounds cheeky and is stressing you out. You've said no and she needs to respect that. If she doesn't, she isn't a good mate.

I can and have done this, but absolutely would not to the detriment of my health. She's no friend if she keeps pestering you. You've been kind and given this thought, there's an end to it. Any friend wouldn't want you to put your mental health in jeopardy,

@islandhoppin

Thanks everyone. She's not in a situation where the house is being repossessed or anything like that, so I really do not understand why she needs out so urgently. It's all very strange.

I think another poster put it very succinctly: "Also, this is far from an emergency... She just wants you to enable her to have her house presumably, permanently as a show home to sell at full/over price..."

The dog is the deal breaker. If it is badly behaved, that's a no from me. And she'd also have to get into her head the idea that the house has a no-smoking rule. No exceptions. And that's not only for 'residents', it's for everyone, all the time.
I suppose you could say, you yes, the dog no, and the partner, no. Then you're not throwing her to the lions, and she can decide. But I honestly wouldn't- it's so risky, as some yes would say okay and then just turn up with the dog (or partner) 'because I have nowhere else for it to go'.

You have to say no!
She may get arsey but stay firm.