Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

I have had a friend stay for a few months after a breakup and I am totally cool with people staying but no way would I agree to a dog and a partner coming and going. Wtf her plan to leave her dog upstairs while she is out of the house???
I have had episodes of poor mental health and I recognise the crying over decisions that would be so easy at normal times. If you were better you would probably find it much easier to refuse her ludicrous request.

I said no to a friend that asked to move in and she had no issues with a dog or partner. You have very strong reasons to say no. Previous experience has taught me that "a few months" is likely to be a few years and I no longer want anyone other than family in my house. In my case, my friend (close friend of over 10 years) took offence and cut me off.

Agree be careful not to give reasons as pp have said. You don't need reasons to say no and she is really cheeky to even ask.

You don't have to make it into a big deal just msg her and say you will have to make other arrangements as it won't be possible to stay with us.

Don't feel bad about it, it is your home and ridiculous for her to just assume you will be fine with her moving in!

She's making it sound like you're turning her out onto the street. It's emotional blackmail, and she's trying to browbeat you into giving in to her wants (note: not needs).

There is a world of difference between someone crashing at yours for a few weeks while they get themselves back on their feet because they've been made homeless, and someone moving themselves and their poorly controlled dog and their smelly, noisy partner (I smoke myself, but I always go outside - I wouldn't dream of just lighting up in someone's house!) into your proclaimed safe space for an indefinite length of time when they have a perfectly good home that they live in already and multiple other options as PPs have outlined because she thinks you're a) a soft touch and b) less important than her.

Well done for saying no twice and you just need to keep repeating this.

It's utterly bonkers. She co owns a house that she pays a mortgage on so like everybody has said she just stays there paying the mortgage until the property is sold. This is what literally everybody else does so must she as well.

If she asks again what is she going to do, you calmly tell her. Sadly if she falls out with you over this she really is not a friend worth having.

She is not in any emergency situation, she has a perfectly good home to live in until the property is sold and then she makes other arrangements.

She is not your friend.

Friends do not try to harass you into letting them move in for an open ended period.

She has zero respect for you or your life.

I knew she’d try to talk you round. She does not care for you, given you already mentioned your mh. Just send her a text back saying ‘I’ve told you no and the reasons why. I’m really upset that you would keep asking despite what I already said.’. So unfair of her. She’s a bitch.

She has no respect for boundaries.

She pushed back after you said no, she lets her DP smoke in your house, she expects to let her dogs be in areas if your house that your own are not.

And it is currently taking months to find and buy a property.

Her response would make me even more inclined to stand my ground. How it should have gone is:

Can I come and live with you for an undefined period of time?

No, sorry that doesn't work for us for X, Y Z reason

Oh ok, no worries, thanks for getting back to me quickly I'll sort something else. Meet for a coffee soon?

Anyone that tries to persuade you now it'll be ok if they come and live with you, after you have said no, will find reason after reason to stay long after their welcome has worn off if you do give in. Stay firm OP! And for what it's worth, you don't need a list of reasons as to why it won't work for you - it's your home, you are entitled to say no just because you want to say no!

I had a similar situation with a friend a few years ago, offered her a place to crash for a few weeks when her tenancy ended and she had stupidly just not got her shit together to find somewhere else. I made it clear the offer was for a max of a month, and she started wheedling before she even moved in that it would need to be for longer - it didn't, it was just easier/cheaper for her than putting the effort into finding a new flat or a house share. I could see which way it was going, so I had to withdraw the offer altogether. We fell out, but that was a better outcome for me than having someone living with me for months on end, when I really wanted / needed to live on my own as I had done for years!

oh god, she has no self awareness at all does she.
Id reply, please dont make this any more awkward than it already is. Youre not homeless. You have other options. I love you but no way am i living with you.

@islandhoppin

I've responded:

' sorry , I really don't want this to be the cause of our falling out. I am just not in a position to have people staying with us right now. I am happy to help you to find somewhere to stay, if you're unable to stay in your current house.'

Well done. No more 'sorry' though. Hold firm, it's just not going to happen.

If she had her way, I bet in no time, the partner would be living in your house also, and the dog of course.
She is a user, she counted on you agreeing to her ridiculous idea. Don't engage any further.

@billy1966

She is not your friend.

Friends do not try to harass you into letting them move in for an open ended period.

She has zero respect for you or your life.

Correct...

don't engage is the where's and why for's ..

you said No.. the end 🌸

Just say it won't work because you have your partner and dogs to consider.

NO... its a full sentence, you dont have to justify it (although it seems like you could if you had too).

Well done OP!

I think she's been a rubbish friend trying to do this....esp presumably as she knows about your mental health issues /pooches?

She's essentially putting her wants ABOVE your needs.

Also, this is far from an emergency... She just wants you to enable her to have her house presumably, permanently as a show home to sell at full/over price... .

Which as you said, could be months if she won't budge on price...

I think its also telling that she hasn't presented it as a proper lodger arrangement... "Listen x, I want to move out from my place til it's sold... Do you fancy a lodger if I can pay you 600£ a month?"

That has a very different feeling doesnt, but absolutely something that no one should feel compelled to do..

I lodged with an old friend for a few months between flats.... But it was only EVER temporary, I paid full market rent for her room. She offered... And I was happy to agree, she got some more dosh, and I got a nice place to live with someone I liked.

@islandhoppin

I've responded:

' sorry , I really don't want this to be the cause of our falling out. I am just not in a position to have people staying with us right now. I am happy to help you to find somewhere to stay, if you're unable to stay in your current house.'

Well done OP.

It was obvious (to anyone with experience of boundary-pushers) that whatever reason you gave for saying no, she would challenge it & continue to push for a yes, as if your home is up for negotiation. You did well to simply say no without a reason this time.

Also really well done on the assertion about not wanting this to become a falling-out issue. There's a bold line in the sand - bravo! & one which needed alluding to, as I think this friend is prepared to push & push & push ....

Your friend just assumed she could move in without any thought for you or your DH... so rude

I still think her comment "Oh god what am I going to do" very odd.. she owns half the property she is in... so she is not destitute or is she ? either way it sounds like she is not being honest and that it is definitely Not your problem..

you did good OP 🌸

Thanks everyone. She's not in a situation where the house is being repossessed or anything like that, so I really do not understand why she needs out so urgently. It's all very strange.

Oh god, no way!!!

Stand firm op!

I also wouldn’t say I’d help her find somewhere. She’s a grown up she can work it out.

She’s also a cheeky wagon, she’ll be asking you for the deposit the first month rent to be guarantor.

No, can’t help you.

Some cautionary tales, OP:

I moved into a houseshare about ten years ago where the landlord's friend was "staying on the couch for a couple of weeks" while he "found his own place".

Seven months later I moved out, and the friend was still on the couch with no plans to leave at all.

Then, a friend of mine let her own sister AND the sister's husband move in with her into her one bedroom flat for a few weeks as they became homeless. It took her months to get rid of them and they fell out badly for a long time.

People who move in "temporarily" rarely want to leave because they are probably saving massively on their costs. I haven't RTFT but if your friend is not respecting your wishes, she may be a lovely person normally but she is not being a friend to you at this time. Sorry hun.

If she comes back to you again, just ask her why on earth she feels she has to vacate her own house before it's sold - I expect you're right and that her family are trying to push her out and onto you.

I doubt there is any real urgency, she’s obviously piling the pressure on though. I bet you are “the nice one” and she expects you to give in.

Well done for saying no op. You still sound like a good friend and a nice person to me. Don’t feel bad. I hope you can still be friends with her.

in my experience and in pretty much everyone I know who has experience of similar, once you let someone crash at yours for anything more than a prearranged short visit for a holiday or maybe one night in an emergency then they never bloody leave. It ruins friendships. It doesnt help them move on

Wow so brazen