Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

[islandhoppin]

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

• this could easily become longer than a few months
• she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
• I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
• I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
• dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
• her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
• her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
• my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

Oh come on its a very small word, and will be over in a shot NO!

Just say a simple - ''No - sorry!'' - in a light hearted way. If needed add -
''Simply couldn't possibly'!'' - no explanation required.

I have a badly trained dog. No way would I impose her on anyone like that and she’s not allowed upstairs. Well done standing up for yourself, I hope now that this will be the end of her requests and you can move on with the friendship

I can’t believe she needs to move so urgently she has asked to stay with you for MONTHS (not normal in any way!) and her whole family think you should just say yes, yet she hasn’t actually given you a single reason why she can’t just stay living where she is?

Good on you OP! Be prepared to stand your ground, I suspect that she's going to keep pushing this. It sounds like she's made all sorts of arrangements/promises to people on the presumption that you'd just roll over (CF she is). It's interesting that she's not explained exactly why she can't stay in her house. My guess is that she hasn't got a very good reason, and is just laying the guilt on now to get you to change your mind. If she did have a genuine reason for moving out, as her best friend, surely she'd tell you?

I wouldn’t let anyone move in with me for a few months. They could be the most perfect house guest in every way, but it would still be a no.

God no!

If she moves in you will all fall out anyway. If you are going to end up never speaking again it's better to do it without going through all the stress and hassle of letting her move in.

It's a massive cheek of her to ask, btw, and those who are so cheeky are rarely good house guests.

Some of the replies here are so complicated and leave you open to your friend arguing the toss. All you have to say is something like "It just wouldn't work so let's not get into a discussion about it. I'd hate to fall out over this." If she does fall out with you she's no friend.

Op what makes her think she needs somewhere else to live between old and new house ? Why is she saying 'what am I going to do'?
Does she not realise most people arrange for completion day to be the day you leave your old house ??
She sounds like a nightmare.

I’m pleased you gave her a firm no. Asking anyone to impose yourself on them for months is quite a lot but also expecting to impose your poorly behaved dog and partner on them is something else entirely. She’ll have to find somewhere else to stay. Don’t fret about this anymore, you have done the sensible thing.

“If I wanted a dog upstairs, I’d have let mine up there”

That was a good reply Islandhoppin. She should not have followed it up trying to get you to change your mind. It's also unrealistic on her part. Why would the badly behaved dog stay upstairs with her?

I am quite amazed that somebody would think they, a badly behaved dog, and a partner who smokes and works unsocial hours would be welcome guests in another person's house for an indefinite period (given that even the seemingly smoothest of house sales can fall through).

As predicted she came back with a solution to the dog problem. Your response was good but stop apologising. You don't need to apologise. And the most I'd do to help her find somewhere else is send her a link to rental properties. Don't get involved any further than that. Her accommodation search is not your problem. Please stop pandering to her by offering anything. She does not need to move so she's only creating this issue for herself. No doubt she will come back with some other whine about how she's stuck but if she does you really need to ignore her messages. You've told her twice that you are not letting her stay. Let that be the end of it. If she chooses to end your friendship then she wasn't much of a friend in the first place and you'll be better off without her.

You've done the right thing and been honest and fair.

How she takes it now is up to her.

Are people really this bonkers?

She has a house that she can live in. She can live in it whilst it is on the market like everyone else does.

Why would she expect you to have her, her dog and her partner in your home for an indefinite period? I would find it difficult to impose myself on someone else for a week never mind this level of imposition.

‘Not a chance. It would drive us both mad 😂 Anyway, it’s a hard No from DP’. And then don’t say anything else - don’t try to make suggestions, or help her find a place to stay, or make excuses that she can argue against.

This person is not a good friend OP, they are a total user, you would be better off without them

If she continues then I would say "Plesse respect the fact I have said no as I'm not willing to keep defending me and DH prioritising my mental health and I would rather not fall out."

I would blame my husband if it helps any OP. Luckily if I get caught up in a situation I can get out of it by saying sorry ran it past DH and he says no way. My DH is so just amazing at lending me his balls when mine fail me,he always says blame me I will back you up! and he has always done that cheerfully.

Agree with Notaroadrunner

"Your response was good but stop apologising. You don't need to apologise. And the most I'd do to help her find somewhere else is send her a link to rental properties. Don't get involved any further than that. Her accommodation search is not your problem."

Just say of course - but only if the dog stays elsewhere and I’m afraid this is a strictly no smoking house- also I have family visiting in 8 weeks- so I’ll need the room back by then …..

If this has already been suggested, then I apologise in advance - do you think that maybe their house is being repossessed, hence the urgency for somewhere to stay?

A friend would have accepted your initial text and not pushed back to talk you round. She isn't your friend.

She does have the option of renting somewhere short term if her family will not accept her and the dog.

Good for you saying no. You're not selfish. She was cheeky to even ask you, even cheerier to keep on at you about it.