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Original poster

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Lanique · 25/08/2021 09:19

It always amazes me (through Mumsnet) how many CFs there are out there. I wouldn't dream of imposing myself on others like that, I would only ever ask if I was absolutely desperate and even then if there was the slightest hesitation I would back out, apologising profusely for making them feel at all awkward Grin. Op, stand firm and know your boundaries. You've done brilliantly so far in anticipating the train wreck this will be, and saying no. In fact, even without all the reasons (dogs, smoking dp etc), you'd still be well within your rights to say no.

frazzledasarock · 25/08/2021 09:19

As per PP, not possible at ours.

Keep responses short and drop the sorry.

Lottapianos · 25/08/2021 09:21

Good reply OP, well done. I hope that's the end of it

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2021 09:22

Well done island. It really is an utterly unreasonable expectation/request from her and just keep reminding yourself of that. She’s not your responsibility. Flowers

LAgeDeRaisin · 25/08/2021 09:25

What is she going to do? She's going to live in the house that she owns while she still owns it.

Gosh I'm good at this- anyone got any other issues I can solve?

LookItsMeAgain · 25/08/2021 09:25

On the off chance that she replies again, pleading with you, you have to send her this text:
"Hi X, as I mentioned before I don't want to fall out with you about this. You are really pressuring me at the moment and I've previously told you that I need to look after my mental health, so it's a firm no at this point. If you need my advice in looking for a new place, give me a call but I cannot offer you more than that at the moment. Best of luck with the search"

AlCalavicci · 25/08/2021 09:26

You have said no once and she is still asking , Good Lord she is a pushy sod !

As PP have said, stay firm , do not apologise for wanting to keep your home yours and not share it.

If she keep on asking tell her that you don't want to fall out over this subject , please stop asking the impossible.

If she is really cheeky and keeps on pushing it push back after her why she can't stay in her own house millions of other people do when they're selling up and and as most of us on here suspect it's probably because a dog is making a mess, it's unlikely that she will admit this but if she does all you need to do is say you certainly will not stand for that kind of mess in your house.

Stay strong.

BIWI · 25/08/2021 09:27

Her initial response should tell you everything you need to know about your 'friend'. She totally ignored your comments about your mental health and made it all about her dog.

This is not a friend!

Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 09:28

As far as I can see, there is no reason at all why she should move out her house at all? She can just say there till it’s sold, like the rest of us do.

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 09:30

Be careful. You've offered to help her find somewhere to stay. That really isn't your responsibility. It's something I would happily do for a 'normal' friend in need, but this woman isn't that, and she will bleed you dry.

You've taken on her problem as your own by offering to help her resolve it.

RandomMess · 25/08/2021 09:31

Stay strong.

Any response
"I am not in a position to have anyone stay or any dog full stop. I will help you find elsewhere as I offered already"

Then repeat every time she begs/pleads/puts on a guilt trip.

TeachesOfPeaches · 25/08/2021 09:33

She can stay in the house she lives in ffs ! No reason to impose herself on anyone else at all

Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 09:34

What is your history with this best friend. It’s difficult to believe she has been an amazingly wonderful person with no flaws at all to you for 40 years and now all of a sudden does this?

Threewheeler1 · 25/08/2021 09:35

No way.
Why can't she do what everyone else does and live in her actual house until it is sold whilst arranging new accommodation for herself elsewhere? She's not homeless.
Stay strong OP! Don't do it!

AnotheChinHair · 25/08/2021 09:36

Is she always this pushy, selfish, self-centred, entitled and imposing?
What makes her your best friend??

Doomscrolling · 25/08/2021 09:37

Good for you in standing firm!

AlCalavicci · 25/08/2021 09:39

Ah I x post with you OP. Great reply .

Kiduknot · 25/08/2021 09:41

Will dp mind if you blame him? “He’s refusing to put our dogs through the trauma”

Or you could say he’s said no because he doesn’t think your mental health would take it.

Or say he’s said no for both those reasons and actually you agree with him.

Italiangreyhound · 25/08/2021 09:41

Well done for sticking to her guns. Please decide now what your offer of 'help' means to you (the absolute minimum) and stick to it.

To this cheeky woman 'help'.could mean anything.

Please do not do anything you do not need to do.

Help could be making a few suggestions.. (why don't you, rent for a few weeks/months if you can find a short term let, ask a relative etc.) My guess is for any suggestion she will have a counter argument.

There is not much you can do to help except maybe send her a link to some ideas online.

If you do anything to help make a note of it and when she asks again say ' I sent you XYZ/suggested ABC, I cannot do anything more.'

Or you could say I have thought about it and realized I cannot help you in your situation. There is nothing I can do.

Then stop replying or better still if she keeps on just say 'Your badgering me is damaging our friendship.' Because it is!

Stay strong.

saraclara · 25/08/2021 09:42

Well done OP.

I took someone in for several months, willingly, and without any of your issues. It went better than I expected, but it still came with difficulties. Particularly when it got to the time when I needed my house back to myself. It is REALLY hard to say, "sorry, but you need to be looking for somewhere else" when they really want to stay longer. And from that point it got a lot more stressful for both of us.

It also, in some way that I don't really understand, altered our friendship. And I preferred the pre-guest friendship.

Kisskiss · 25/08/2021 09:43

Well done OP!

SuperstoreFan · 25/08/2021 09:45

If she keeps asking I'd tell her to take the hint and block her.

DontBeAHaterDear · 25/08/2021 09:45

Say no. Do it as politely or bluntly as you like but say no. Your friend can rent somewhere until she can buy a house again, just like the majority of other people who find themselves in this position.

MumDad1958 · 25/08/2021 09:49

Stick to your guns - sounds like she is going to use you!

Balonzette · 25/08/2021 09:50

What is she going to do? I'd reply with:

You could stay where you are until the house is sold, looking for a new house during the wait?
You could stay with your relative?
You could stay with your parents?
You could put your dog into a kennel and stay with your partner's family?
You could rent with your partner?

I'd also say something along the lines of: I hate saying no to you and I have been anxious and crying about this all day because I feel so awful but also so panicky about the idea of having to share my safe space with anyone. It's not you, it's my mental health, and I just don't think I'd cope with the disruption and having to deal with the dogs and DP potentially being grumpy as he prefers his own space. I'm genuinely sorry and will help you in any way I can but it can't be this.