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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend wants to move in for 'a few months..'

999 replies

islandhoppin · 24/08/2021 21:31

So I feel really torn, and extremely anxious.
This evening, out of the blue, my best friend has asked if she can come and move into mine and my DP's home.

I believe it's because she wants to sell up where she is currently, split the money with the other person she's bought with, snd then move out into a new property with her new partner.
She's totally put me on the spot.. I feel sick with anxiety.

My concerns are:

  • this could easily become longer than a few months
  • she has an extremely badly behaved dog that would be coming too
  • I have two dogs, one of which is territorial and one that is very nervous, adding another to the mix could cause issues
  • I am trying to house train one of my dogs at the moment
  • dogs arrangements.. I don't know where hers would stay, it's used to sleeping upstairs with her whereas mine aren't allowed upstairs
  • her partner. He doesn't live with her but comes and goes as he pleases, works unsociable hours and has a noisy large truck that will guarantee to wake my neighbours. We are in a very quiet residential area.
  • her partner smokes inside the house, has also done it here before when they came for tea; and I caught him lighting up in my living room.
  • my mental health. I suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. My home is my safe space and my sanctuary, I don't think I could hack this, I know that sounds so incredibly selfish of me.

I'm beating myself up over this. I feel awful, selfish, like a terrible friend. I know she'd do this for me if I needed her. But I feel like I just couldn't hack this right now.

What do I do! ☹️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
user1494055864 · 25/08/2021 08:49

I don't allow dogs upstairs so that definitely wouldn't work! I'm not going to change my mind, sorry!

Then if she persists you know she doesn't give a shit about your feelings and boundaries, so you can imagine what she'd be like if she moved in!!

KaptainKaveman · 25/08/2021 08:50

OP whatever you do, do NOT send back a detailed justification. She'll just pick it apart and chip away at you. You know she will. You need to be brief and decisive. "Sorry but we just can't. DP and I agree it will be too difficult. Hope you get fixed up".
Please don't get into a load of backing and forthing. As I said she will chip and chip away until she convinces you you're being unreasonable. The truth is that she's the unreasonable one. Do ot lose sight of this fundamental reality. Good luck!

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2021 08:50

“Hope you get something sorted, Friend. It really isn’t an option to stay here, unfortunately.”

Italiangreyhound · 25/08/2021 08:55

OP don't explain a lot why this will not work for YOU in YOUR with YOUR partner and YOUR dogs.

She is being really cheeky in asking and even more ride in pushing you!

If you want to say sorry, say it but to be honest I would just say "it's not possible for you to stay with me"

She is pushing it and friends should not do that!

Italiangreyhound · 25/08/2021 08:55

YOUR home that is meant to say!

dayslikethese1 · 25/08/2021 08:57

That's a really cheeky thing for her to ask in the first place OP unless it was a dire emergency (and even then the way she asked is cheeky). Because of that, you KNOW she'd be a nightmare as she has no concept of boundaries plus it would probably end up being months.

BlackShadowCat · 25/08/2021 08:58

Also, I wouldn’t offer to help her find somewhere else. I think it’s just asking for trouble. Just keeping saying no and leave it there. She has options, so don’t feel bad!

IsabelGowdie · 25/08/2021 08:59

I agree with the PPs that say you should not go over your reasons as she will try to argue each point. Just use one of the excellent polite refusals above.

She is asking you a massive favour.

In fact favour does not cover it.

She is asking you to:

  1. give up your privacy
  2. endanger your mental health
  3. completely change your living arrangements indefinitely
  4. let a smoker regularly sleep and smoke in your house
  5. Make your beloved dogs unhappy
  6. Damage your relationship with your partner.

The only unreasonable thing about your position is that your feel guilty about saying no.

In terms of reasons, are they looking to rent out the property, rather than sell it? That would make sense.

And is she offering to pay you? If not, you could add:

  1. Saving her thousands of pounds in rent. So basically, your love will be screwed while she lives for free and possibly gets rent from her property.

Stay strong OP!

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/08/2021 09:00

You have family with spare rooms and you haven't even sold your place yet, so you've got plenty of options. Hope you get something sorted soon but staying with me just isnt an option.

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 09:00

Cheeky mare.

This would be the end of the friendship for me.

Friends don't try and pressure friends into giving them a place to live when they've already said it won't work for them.

She's a selfish user, thinking only of herself, trying to push the problem onto you when actually it's nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Here's a reply if you need it:

'I'm afraid I don't have the answers! Good luck getting something sorted'

Italiangreyhound · 25/08/2021 09:01

Agree with Thehop

“Please don’t keep asking, I don’t want this to cause a fall out”

IsabelGowdie · 25/08/2021 09:02

Sorry - life will be screwed

Onthebrink87 · 25/08/2021 09:04

I would personally just be straight with her. Explain how your home I your sanctuary and you need it to remain that way for your mental health. I'd also explain that you worry that it would put a strain on your relationship and you don't want to lose her as a friend. If she's a good friend she will understand and be happy with your decision, if she turns on you because of it - you know for sure she was never a true friend to begin with so you won't have lost much at all!

Good luck op

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 09:04

@Thehop

Or

“Please don’t keep asking, I don’t want this to cause a fall out”

I like this even more than the reply I suggested :)
billy1966 · 25/08/2021 09:06

@islandhoppin

Morning everyone, thanks for your messages. I woke up to a reply this morning..

'Oh god, what am I going to do? (her dog) wouldn't be too badly behaved, and since he's used to sleeping with me on my bed he would he separate from your dogs, anyway. He can just be upstairs if we all are out of the house..'

🤯

Awful.

She is NO friend.

Just a user.

Offer no excuse just "it just wouldn't work for US".

What about your partner?

If I was him I would be so pissed off at this.

I repeat, a real friend wouldn't dream of doing this.

Stay strong and have a think about this so called friend.
Flowers

BabyLeaf · 25/08/2021 09:06

@Onthebrink87

I would personally just be straight with her. Explain how your home I your sanctuary and you need it to remain that way for your mental health. I'd also explain that you worry that it would put a strain on your relationship and you don't want to lose her as a friend. If she's a good friend she will understand and be happy with your decision, if she turns on you because of it - you know for sure she was never a true friend to begin with so you won't have lost much at all!

Good luck op

She has already shown that when OP gives a reason it won't work, she just steamrolls over it and says it won't be an issue. I really wouldn't give her any more reasons to try and overcome. A very simple 'I'm sorry we can't help, hope you get sorted' or as a PP said 'please stop asking, I don't want this to cause a falling out/come between us' is best.

Your reply would work with someone who was understanding and respectful of other people's time and space and response to a favour being asked, this woman ain't that!

Tirediam · 25/08/2021 09:08

Definitely no detailed response. Just “sorry, it won’t work but I’ll help you find somewhere. Maybe stay where you are for now…”

Chunkymenrock · 25/08/2021 09:12

News alert! Rtft! She's already texted her to say NO!

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2021 09:14

@Chunkymenrock

News alert! Rtft! She's already texted her to say NO!
Most people are responding to the follow-up text which OP posted this morning.
islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 09:16

I've responded:

' sorry , I really don't want this to be the cause of our falling out. I am just not in a position to have people staying with us right now. I am happy to help you to find somewhere to stay, if you're unable to stay in your current house.'

OP posts:
LongTimeMammaBear · 25/08/2021 09:16

Copy and paste your original text back to her. No need to go into any other conversation or you’re having to make additional excuses. Any attempt to try to negotiate, just keep sending the exact same message. Illustrates no discussion, no negotiation.

IsabelGowdie · 25/08/2021 09:17

Well done OP!

Penners99 · 25/08/2021 09:18

No
Hell no
Fuck no
Etc……

IsabelGowdie · 25/08/2021 09:18

And be prepared for the ramping up of requests, either with texts, calls, mutual friends or her family.

You are doing brilliantly.

Howshouldibehave · 25/08/2021 09:19

@Chunkymenrock

News alert! Rtft! She's already texted her to say NO!
Why don’t you read the full thread yourself, before criticising other people’s responses.