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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
muddyford · 24/08/2021 12:56

Perhaps when he suggested getting you in the club, this wasn't exactly what he had in mind...

JinglingHellsBells · 24/08/2021 12:58

Not so much a free loader as that suggests his behaviour is contrived and cynical.

More that he likes you and is embarrassed over his lack of money but tries to take you to a nice club to impress you.

But at the same time, makes up a silly story about leaving his card in the car, etc and not having any credit left.

I feel sorry for him to be honest. He clearly doesn't know how he will be rumbled and his excuses don't wash.

You don't need a reason to end it OP. Two months is nothing. Just say sorry, it's not working for me any more, and wish him all the best.

Grapewrath · 24/08/2021 13:01

I think yabu to think this relationship will work. Clearly there’s a real mismatch in finances and this isn’t likely to improve.
Cut your losses and move on OP

Xenia · 24/08/2021 13:01

It is the lying that is the problem.Just say he is not the one for you and find someone else. My son pretty easily earned £22k full time as a post man and then a van driver full time. I bet this man could earn nearer what you do doing something like that but is probably just too lazy.

Bollindger · 24/08/2021 13:03

I think you have been very fair.
He has lied about his money, and doesn't seem to want to better himself.
No one cares if a man is in a temp job, while looking for a better one, but the lies and the letting you pay all the time, is not healthy for a grownup relationship.

mam0918 · 24/08/2021 13:04

I would say YABVU because you KNOW he doesnt have the money, he hasnt lied and has made it exceptionally clear and yet you want more than what he can physically give you, guilt him into spending more than he has and even deliberately try to embarass him over not having it.

Theres nothing wrong with free or cheep dates but you clearly dont like him for him... let the poor guy go for his own sake and go find a sugar daddy thats better suited to your lifestyle.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/08/2021 13:07

@mam0918

I would say YABVU because you KNOW he doesnt have the money, he hasnt lied and has made it exceptionally clear and yet you want more than what he can physically give you, guilt him into spending more than he has and even deliberately try to embarass him over not having it.

Theres nothing wrong with free or cheep dates but you clearly dont like him for him... let the poor guy go for his own sake and go find a sugar daddy thats better suited to your lifestyle.

Are we reading the same thread?
Crimeismymiddlename · 24/08/2021 13:09

I was very put off an ex due to a similar thing, worked full time at minimum wage, didn’t bother me as he was a hard worker. Lived at home, he never had any money to do anything good, or he did and would complain about the cost of a cinema ticket or a five pound entry fee. He always had money for drinks with the lads and I realised he never had money for things that I was keen on!
This man sounds stupid, lying about being security at a police station, taking you to a place he knew he could not afford. Did he think you are stupid as well.

Viviennemary · 24/08/2021 13:11

He is a meanie. IMHO he would be like this even if he had more money. Get rid.

Dreaming777 · 24/08/2021 13:13

Could he of blocked his card temporarily in the toilet and had more in his account ?

1forAll74 · 24/08/2021 13:14

He seems a bit witless about most things, best to finish things with him, and if he want's to know why, just tell him the reasons.

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 24/08/2021 13:18

@mam0918

I would say YABVU because you KNOW he doesnt have the money, he hasnt lied and has made it exceptionally clear and yet you want more than what he can physically give you, guilt him into spending more than he has and even deliberately try to embarass him over not having it.

Theres nothing wrong with free or cheep dates but you clearly dont like him for him... let the poor guy go for his own sake and go find a sugar daddy thats better suited to your lifestyle.

It was HIS idea to go to the club not OPs, I suggest you try reading the thread before you accuse OP of trying to guilt him and embarrass him.

But then you seem to post nasty response quite a lot so it's more likely an attention seeking thing.

listsandbudgets · 24/08/2021 13:19

@Dogoodfeelgood

Unfortunately he’ll need to adjust his lifestyle before he is in a position to date, that’s just how it is. Definitely call it a day. Dating is much more fun when you get taken to lovely places and you’re only young once.
Exactly... and lovely does not have to mean expensive.

It could be a picnic in the park at sunset or a long walk broken by a meal in a pub or a short local train journey to explore a nearby town.. and the irony is OP he did say at the start that it would have to be cheap / free dates so he wasn't misleading you on that front at least.

BUT he should not have lied about his job or taken you to a club he couldn't afford so on that basis alone I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

You clearly want and and can afford different things to him so it sounds like it won't work

BabyLeaf · 24/08/2021 13:20

Jesus Christ, the fact you even have to ask a bunch of strangers about this shows how low your self esteem and expectations are!

Stevie6 · 24/08/2021 13:20

@Dreaming777

Could he of blocked his card temporarily in the toilet and had more in his account ?
That's a really good point tbh!
Debetswell · 24/08/2021 13:22

Throw him back.
He's not even a good liar! 😄

Seriously you can't enjoy dating someone single, working 2 jobs and doesn't have £30 for a night out that he chose!

KalvinPhillipsManBun · 24/08/2021 13:23

The lad is skint and trying to keep up with you, not everyone lives in Mumsnet world and can afford to splash the cash.

Stevie6 · 24/08/2021 13:25

@KalvinPhillipsManBun then you don't invite people on a date you can't afford! OP already said it's not about the money but the lies and I don't blame her

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 24/08/2021 13:26

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

The lad is skint and trying to keep up with you, not everyone lives in Mumsnet world and can afford to splash the cash.
Another one who can't be bothered reading the OP
Nixandwotsit · 24/08/2021 13:29

Someone who is hard up thinks of ways to have great dates that don't cost too much. They cook meals, organise picnics, do cheap days out somewhere that's free and share the cost of food and drinks.
Tight bastards constantly freeload, suggest expensive places to go to and then expect that they'll be paid for.
First category - nice people. Second category - dump the tight fisted git.
If anyone thinks that Op isn't wasting her time with the second category they need to read the fucking thread. Or at least her posts.

PurpleOkapi · 24/08/2021 13:32

If you're sure he was lying about it, then it's time to call it quits. But if you aren't sure, then it might be worth trying to have an adult conversation where you both openly discuss what each of you expect and what each of you can afford to contribute.

Dibble135 · 24/08/2021 13:33

@crazymicrowave123

Thanks for the advice, I do feel guilty but don't know how to let him down gently or what to even say. I don't care that he doesn't have much money or has jobs that don't pay as much as me, but it's more the dishonesty and the fact that he couldn't afford the place he invited me to! I feel a bit mean and snobby, but really am not! :(
I wouldn’t worry about what to say. You don’t have to explain what you have said here. Tell him it’s been nice getting to know him but the relationship is not working out for you and you don’t want to see him again. Then wish him all the best and delete his number.
Nixandwotsit · 24/08/2021 13:36

You don't need to give him any explanation about deciding to call it a day. You've only known him for 5 minutes. Simple - Sorry if this is going to upset you, but this isn't working for me so I think it's time to call it a day. Rinse and repeat. Don't go into the money thing, the lies... that only gives him room to argue. It isn't working for you, you don't see any prospect of the relationship developing. You have decided to end it.

sloutside · 24/08/2021 13:37

Bin. Next.
It's not that he earns less than you that's the issue. It's the fact he lied about his job and then lied about various other things such as not having the card on him. Lies are no basis for a relationship.
You were happy to go on cheap dates with him but he decided he wanted to go to an expensive club and get you to pay for it

This one has potential cocklodger written all over it. He might even be a hobosexual - perhaps he has imminent housing needs and he needs to find a woman to move in with. Perhaps his family want/need him to move out.
Who knows? But lies are no basis for a relationship and as well as that, it already looks like he'll be expecting you to pay for stuff because you earn more.

Nope.
Dating is about filtering out unsuitable people and while we shouldn't be thinking too far ahead at the beginning during the getting-to-know-you phase, you should definitely be binning anyone like that who has absolutely no long-term potential whatsoever.

cnn27 · 24/08/2021 13:38

How much do you know about his financial situation? Does he have debts, saving goals or other financial commitments etc. to pay off that would mean he has little money for disposable income? If he often asks to do cheap or free things, why did he suddenly decide to invite you to a fancy club? This seems strange, especially as he had already cancelled another date because he couldn't afford it. Did he feel under pressure to take you somewhere expensive or guilty? Ultimately, if you're in different situations financially, or have different priorities, the relationship isn't going to work out if either of you feel it's a deal-breaker.

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