He never has any money!!! AIBU?

[crazymicrowave123]

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

@ToffeeNotCoffee

can afford some luxuries and have a decent disposable income at the end of the month, and I have my own place

If he knew this he thought he would be on to a good thing. Also, you're a parent. Did he want you to be his mummy too ?

As a PP has said, he's a cock lodger looking for a vacant lodge.

If a woman acted like this she would be accused of wanting a sugar daddy / meal ticket / being a gold digger.

A man acts like this and if the woman he's freeloading off puts her foot down she gets the criticism for only being interested in how much a guy can spend on her.

Anyone would think it's only women that can be gold diggers.

He gets paid on Thursday and wants to take you out for a meal on Friday ? Seriously ? After the previous date debacle ?

Glad you are not going on another dreadful date with him so he can apologise for the last dreadful date with him.

@ToffeeNotCoffee exactly couldn't write it better myself!

I take issue with other posters clearly stating the mans role as provider and their reluctance to date anyone poor

I notice you didn’t reply to my last response to you and have gone off another tangent to you.

Here is a memo for you. Women can choose not to date a man for ANY reason they want, including that he is poor. No one is entitled to a date. Look what happens when you take that attitude - you get the incel terrorists.

^ to BillMasen

how he's trying to move out in the next few years

I bet he is... I'll give you one guess where he's planning to move to!

Blatently took you go that club expecting you to pay and lies systematically.

Get rid immediately, trust me.

@phishy

I take issue with other posters clearly stating the mans role as provider and their reluctance to date anyone poor

I notice you didn’t reply to my last response to you and have gone off another tangent to you.

Here is a memo for you. Women can choose not to date a man for ANY reason they want, including that he is poor. No one is entitled to a date. Look what happens when you take that attitude - you get the incel terrorists.

Yep not disagreeing with you

I can be judgy about if if that reason looks to be “won’t provide for me”

I can also believe it perpetuates the culture where toxic masculinity means men can feel they need to behave in a stereotypical “provider” way, to their detriment.

Have we dated the same bloke? Almost exact same situation, lived with parents, always a reason why he couldn't afford his share, booked something to make it up to me then turned up with £10 in his account. Not the first one like this either.

I think that it's not necessarily a salary issue but a shit with money issue and no matter what they earned they would always need someone to pick up the slack. Get rid or you'll be bankrolling him forevermore.

I just don't think there's any defence for him really, on this occasion.

If he genuinely left his wallet in the car, he didn't even intend to go and get it once he realised since he asked you to pay the entry...presumably this means he also expected you to pay for any drinks inside.

If he was lying about having left his wallet in the car to avoid paying entry and actually had it on him...same as above. He clearly didn't intend to buy even one drink.

And sorry @phishy I missed your last post to me

It could feel to a man desperate to portray himself as solvent to meet expectations, might decide “I forgot my wallet” is better than “I’m poor”. I’m poor translates to Im not man enough (in some women’s eyes, and therefore some men)

Illogical and counter productive yes. Unfair also yes. Explainable maybe

@BillMasen women are always going to be more at risk of being beholden to men for their livelihood, because they bear the children.

There are 870,000 women SAHMs in the UK who would prefer to work due to lack of reliable childcare.

In that context, why do you begrudge women looking for a man who could provide for them when the need arises?

That should be - There are 870,000 women SAHMs in the UK who would prefer to work but can’t due to lack of reliable childcare.

[quote phishy]@BillMasen women are always going to be more at risk of being beholden to men for their livelihood, because they bear the children.

There are 870,000 women SAHMs in the UK who would prefer to work due to lack of reliable childcare.

In that context, why do you begrudge women looking for a man who could provide for them when the need arises?[/quote]
Interesting challenge. Let’s assume that stat is right (might well be). I totally agree childcare is an issue, so that should be addressed. Those women should be facilitated to get jobs and earn. I’d pay more tax to make that happen.

Tangent but those jobs should pay the same as they pay men

I think that’s very different to expecting a man to provide FOR them. Contribute fairly yes, but there is a (large?) minority of women (evidenced by posts on this and other threads) who’s expectations are that a man will pay their way.

That’s bad for women generally, and bad for men too as that expectation can lead to pressure to perform and bad decisions (like the man in the op I think)

So I don’t think begrudge is the right word, but I do feel it’s unhelpful to perpetuate that cycle of women’s reliance, and men’s pressure to be “enough of a man to provide”

I can be judgy about if if that reason looks to be “won’t provide for me”

God, what a distorted misread of this situation.

The OP is not asking this adult man, living at home with his parents, to provide for her, or to pay for all their dates. She is preferring he not lie, twist situations and/or supply misinformation, so that she ends up paying for him in expensive nightclubs he has organised as the venue when he implies he is taking her out.

The allegedly adult man in this situation is the one who is expecting to be provided for by her. Manipulative, ie.

@milkyaqua

I can be judgy about if if that reason looks to be “won’t provide for me”

God, what a distorted misread of this situation.

The OP is not asking this adult man, living at home with his parents, to provide for her, or to pay for all their dates. She is preferring he not lie, twist situations and/or supply misinformation, so that she ends up paying for him in expensive nightclubs he has organised as the venue when he implies he is taking her out.

The allegedly adult man in this situation is the one who is expecting to be provided for by her. Manipulative, ie.

Yet again to be clear

I’m not talking about the op. I’ve said that repeatedly

I’m talking about other posters chiming in with statements like “he can’t provide”

Yet again to be clear

Mate, you're on MN mansplaining, judging women, disputing their lived experience and any standards they might set. That's enough for me.

@milkyaqua

Yet again to be clear

Mate, you're on MN mansplaining, judging women, disputing their lived experience and any standards they might set. That's enough for me.

Not disputing anyone’s experience, or mansplaining anything. I’m expressing a view and when that’s not understood or misrepresented I’m correcting that.

I think it’s fair to say “that’s not what I said” when someone misunderstands you

Then he has said he gets paid this Thursday and wants to take me to a nice Italian restaurant on Friday to apologise.
As is evident from first date / living at home/ etc, he is short of money. He gets paid today and the first thing he wants to do (or so he says ) is spend money likes it's burning a hole in his pocket.
Bin him for that reason, if nothing else.

@BillMasen

There can be a lot of pressure on men, especially when dating, to show they are successful, can pay, can “provide”. It can lead to situations like this where he feels he can’t admit to the failing that is “not being rich enough”

Yeah he should have been straight, but I can see why he was fearful to be. A poor man can immediately be labelled a failure, a cheapskate, lazy, a user. It’s happening on this thread too.

Your first post.

Yes
I’m not seeing mansplaining, judging or disputing experiences. I made clear in later posts I wasn’t in disagreement with the op, but other posters.

@billmasen

I’m talking about other posters chiming in with statements like “he can’t provide”

I think one poster said that. There was no chiming in. Why are you so fixated on this?

He's lied a lot and tried to trick you into paying. If he was upfront there would be no issue.

I would be blocking now.

[quote phishy]@billmasen

I’m talking about other posters chiming in with statements like “he can’t provide”

I think one poster said that. There was no chiming in. Why are you so fixated on this?[/quote]
Hardly fixated but I think you’d take exception to posts where the societal expectation (and the expectation of some men) was that a woman’s role was that of cook and cleaner. You’d be right to do so

I’m taking exception to posts where the societal expectation (and the expectation of some women) is that a mans role is that of worker and payer.

Yes not all women. But I have seen it, I don’t think it’s right or fair and I feel it’s ok for me to say that

@BillMasen I do agree with previous posters that you seem a little fixated on this and are derailing the thread

I’m talking about other posters chiming in with statements like “he can’t provide”

I've just reread the thread (yes, I'm sat in a GPs waiting room bored!) and out of 272 posts 4...yes 4 mention providing, supporting and basically imply men should pay to support women. And on each one of those occasions they have been pounced on and challenged by other posters as having an unhealthy ideology.

Your comments imply that 'toxic masculinity' is alive and well on this thread. I disagree, the OP and other posters talk about wanting their partners to be financially independent enough to pay their own way. And OP doesn't want to waste her time on someone who can't. But, more than that the focus is on lying and deceit.

If you want to have a discussion about gender stereotypes, which is absolutely a worthwhile discussion to have for both sexes, then you'd probably get a good discussion going elsewhere.

But implying that this is the undertone of the thread is just wrong in this instance.

If there were 4 sexist posts on a thread would you feel it was ok to comment on them? Even if others had? I’d presume so (and hope so)

But yes, it is a tangent and whilst the conversation had evolved a bit, I’m clear that I’m not criticising the op or her approach.

I still feel it’s ok to criticise sexism on the thread where it appears rather than start a taat, but if that’s deemed a derail then I’ll stop

@BillMasen Of course it is. And the usual way to do this, as many other have is to tag, quote, disagree and move on back to the topic at hand.

But posting with comments like 'posters taking about wanting 'providers' and 'posters chiming in' across a couple of posts imply that this theme runs throughout the thread.

It doesn't, it hasn't, it was a few posts which were quickly called out by others.

Back to the OP...